It's been a really long time since I've done this. Since my last post, my father had a major decline with his cardiac issues and I lost him. Admittedly, I feel I lost a bit of myself through the process. This experience has been harder than I ever imagined and I lost my desire to things I once enjoyed. Since we've all heard the saying that time heals, maybe it's time to get back on this horse and try again. It really is something I enjoy and I do have the gift of the Jersey Housewives to give me so very much to discuss. Saddle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but it may take me some time to find my stride.
The episode begins with the big fight that ended the previous episode with Juicy Joe and Poison Roid Joe. I'm delighted there is a recap because I sort of love this fight. Why? Because I cannot stand the Gorgas. I get that this is not the opinion of many of the sheep reading the Bravo blog pages, but I have never been one of those people. Not to say that I am a fan of anyone else on this show, but to me, The Gorgas are just an entire new level of Whisky Tango Guido Crazy I have never seen. Tonight the replay starts with Melissa screaming "Gorga! Gorga!' like an Argentinian screaming for Evita. Next we see the defeated duo that is Steven Ockerbloom and Stephanie Sibille, Team Development Professionals. Could two people ever be more misplaced in the universe? Are these actual professionals or characters from a Saturday Night Live sketch? Go get your colored mats now, Team and see if you can get the Clash of the Joes under control. The absolute fear, disgust and amazement in their eyes almost makes the entire scene for me... almost. PRJ then calls Teresa scum because his inane babbling beforehand was getting him no where. I swear this tool is Rainman without the funny quips and ability to do basic math. T is insulted, which I would be too if anyone thought for one second that Melissa Gorga was superior to me, and goes outside to tell JJ what happened. He rushes back into the room to demand an apology from PRJ to embark on one of the greatest moments of television.
The fight begins with Poison launching himself at Juicy in a total steroid rage. JJ doesn't even have time to get the entire sentence out before he lunges at him. As JJ tosses Roids aside like Melania's stuffed animal, PRJ's legs take out Melissa Chanting Gorga and they both crash into the window, and he loses a shoe. Now Bravo has sucked every nickel out of that shot because I have seen it for weeks before the episode aired and this is the second time they are showing it on an episode. Somehow, it still doesn't get old and this is the fourth time I've watched it tonight. Quick cut to Stephanie Team Professional extraordinaire... she's still unresponsive, so back to action. Rich and Melissa are trying to stop the fight by Rich actually holding PRJ back and Melissa by trying to slap JJ in the face and scream at Teresa because, let us not forget, who is entirely to blame for this even though she is running to get security. In this fight you can see Melissa scratch Juicy in the face and Roids actually squeezing JJ's nut sack. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? If my husband were squeezing another man's balls for such an uncomfortably long period of time, I would have had to change sides. Teresa runs back into the room and seems to be able to single handedly break these people up, but wait... further tragedy ensues because JOE GORGA LOST HIS HAT. Melissa springs into action, grabs the hat off the floor and runs PRJ to put the hat back on his head immediately like he needs it to survive the sinking of the Titanic. What is up with that? Of course, we will find out later.
Cut to the aside of PRJ explaining his 10 years of hatred toward him and how he is all to blame for coming between him and his parents. Wait a minute ADD, don't you blame your sister for that? Perhaps there's a better explanation. Maybe your parents have realized you are an asshole and your wife is psychotic and that's why they don't like you. I mean these people genuinely seem to like Juicy which means you have to be a special kind of Ass Hat to have them like him more than their own son! I digress... back to the fight, PRJ is ranting again and sort of shoves The Quiddich Champion of the Ball Cap Rescue to the side. This is also when we first notice The Black Sh*t on everyone, but there is no time to discuss. We are four minutes into this episode including scenes from the last episodes and the theme song. Pay per view wrestling doesn't have this kind of action! JJ is screaming that PRJ was biting his nuts, but we clearly saw he was squeezing them. Melissa ignores this, immediately starts blaming T for the fight and yells at her that she is disgusting. Um... obsessed much, Crazy? You have ignored your husband's ball play to turn everything back on Teresa and your husband is the one who started this entire thing! Then the confessional where she blames T for not helping with the fight. Delusional, maybe if you spent more time watching what was going on and less time spending Poison's money you would have noticed that she was the one to break up the fight. You know Melissa must dress up like Teresa every night, drink Fabalinis and pretend Antonia is G to the ia.
Now we see Steven and Stephanie use the force to take control of the room because no visible effort has been made whatsoever. Once again, the situation ends when Teresa takes charge of the situation, convinces Juicy to leave, and everyone starts to settle down except for The Gorgas. They are walking in ranting circles. "See, we are white trash now...". Oh Melissa, rest assured, you were white trash long before this evening and I suspect long before you ever met Joe when you were "waitressing". Roids even half heartedly tries to leave the room to follow JJ to start up the fight again, but fortunately Rich is there to hold him back. Stud... These people give me a headache. The scene then follows The Giudice's back to their room and the first discussion of The Black Sh*t takes place. It's everywhere, on clothing, on bodies, but my favorite are the three stripes across the back of the bald security guy's head. The Gorga's pretend to have no idea what it is with usual shifty eyes lies we see in every episode. PRJ gets all philosophical on us explaining "you have to become trash to deal with trash". I mean I'm pretty sure we had a Junior League training session on that exact topic at a meeting once. Meanwhile, he is walking around the hotel grounds topless with his underwear hanging out the waist of his jeans...with his white belt... during what appears to be post Labor Day. Melissa, once again, points out to PRJ how his sister is to blame for all of this and how evil she is. Thank God there is a commercial break, but I'm certain that's T's fault too.
The show returns to The Gorga's ranting in the room. It's as though they are answering questions that we cannot hear because the conversation makes no sense. "Those 3 babies are mine too... I'm done!... Saddam Hussein, that's someone's brother too. Doesn't mean that he's a good person... How long are you going to take to put a shirt on?" And she's going to write a book giving relationship advice? The only question that made sense in her tyraid was the question about the shirt. There are similar discussions in The Giudice room and the Wakile + Rosie room with the exception that I could follow those. Back to The Gorga room and PRJ has a new hat on. Everybody wants to leave then Juicy says the most brilliant sentence of the day "we drove 4 hours here, I ain't driving 4 hours to get back." I am baffled by the discussions taking place. Mostly because I seem to be agreeing with what's coming out of JJ's mouth. Well, mostly because we seem to share the same love of the F word. I have hit the point where I no longer want to hear anyone's conversations anymore on the topic. I'm right, they're wrong, blah, blah, blah.... They should have brought in Taylor Armstrong to scream "Enough!" since she would have been just as effective as the team of Ockerbloom and Sibille.
Rich has obviously drank the Gorga Koolaid. He blames everything on Teresa based on being an ass. I think Kathy & Rosie are starting to see the light. Rich blames T for bringing JJ into it. Teresa calls BS and reminds him that Melissa does that every single time and he doesn't have a problem with it. Game on, Teresa! You hit the nail right on the head. They are all screaming at each other, I've lost interest. Now on to The Gorgas, they are crying, and I'm trying to find a scab to pick. These people are idiots. Teresa wants to talk to Joe alone, Melissa says no. Can we all really not see that Melissa is the problem? Really? You all are so jealous of Teresa for whatever ridiculous reason you can't see this? The Gorgas cry in their roles as victim, then the O&S team come up to see how everyone "feels" about this. This episode just took a downward spiral. I really couldn't care about these family dynamics. Please re-cast this show or end it.
We come back from the commercial break and I honestly don't know where to begin. Everyone else decides to have dinner. First, there is the confession by PRJ that The Black Sh*t is a scalp spray he uses to try to make his hair look thicker. Dear Dude of 1000 different hats, why do you need scalp spray when your head never sees the light of day? I really can't stand this guy. Let's see what The Giudices are doing. They have decided they are not going to go to dinner, they are going to stay in. Sounds like a good idea, until we embark on the most awkward minute of television that I could discuss for atleast a week. Teresa and Joe are naked and in the tub together. It's so creepy weird that I want to do a chemical peel on my entire body. Then... it gets worse. How you ask? Let me try to form the words to discuss the next 30 seconds of television that make me want to rip all of my eye lashes out and use acid eye drops. I shudder to even begin to discuss this harrowing tale. They sit in the tub side by side in the bizarre bathing 101. There is a knock at the door. T shouts "come on in" as her bare titties are bouncing in the bath water behind a blurred square. A cheerful room service waiter, with a slicked back back low bun like one of the Robert Palmer, Addicted to Love girls walks in carrying two glasses and a bottle of Rose'. He seems unusually comfortable with this scenario as do The Giudices. Room Service Creeper continues to open the bottle and our two glasses for them. They continue to have a discussion as though they are not naked and the guy isn't in there. He hands over the glasses then walk out of the bathroom because this happens every day. I'm still wondering what happened as I pick up the remote to watch it again for the 23rd time and we see T pour the beverage into JJ's open mouth half spilling it in the tub. Seriously, am I the only person on the planet watching this? Is this for real? Then we cut to T in the her confessional say she is going to give him a little 'Brown Chicka Brown Chow" followed with an equally awkward attempt at a wink that more closely resembled a petite mal seizure. Am I high or did this just happen? Let's watch it a 24th time to see. Literally, I could care less what else this episode has.
It's the next morning and we have to look at everyone as soon as they wake up. Ironically, Kathy & Teresa wake up in full hair and make-up. Next we get subjected to Juicy discussing jerking off and a half ass shot of Teresa. Really Bravo, why do you hate us? This episode has ranked higher than any other on the creepy meter and we've all had to sit through Brooks' BS on the OC. The tide has turned for T and she decided to call Caroline hoping she can come up to help get through to her brother. Does Caroline print counseling degrees from her home computer? Why is she doing this? I can't take any more advice from her, but it looks like we are all going to have to take it. Not to be left out, Melissa also wakes up in hair and make-up. Are these people the damn Jetsons? I would have to get up an hour before to get all this accomplished, but I doubt I would bother. Anyway, Melissa and Poison are back to bashing Teresa. Seriously you two, get a hobby. You are obsessed! Crazy ass Melissa is back on the topic of T doing nothing to stop the fight because she's so evil and doesn't care. Hi Pot, you're black, I just want to slap her. It is no shock to me that Melissa's friends don't even like Melissa. She is intolerable! These two are so jealous I doubt they can see straight. If they spent 1/16 of the time they do bashing Teresa and trying to get everyone to hate her actually trying to fix the family problems, they may not have any. Ick... they are gross. In other news, St. Caroline, Patron Saint of Jersey drama is definitely heading to Lake George. I wait in eager anticipation.
Dr. V arrives on the scene to counsel this disaster. They imported her from California. Teresa is relieved she is Italian and pretty. I mean, as long as we are all qualified.... Dr. V jumps to very quick conclusions and seems to talk more than everyone else. I'm actually with Rich on this one. They had to fly someone in for this? No, Rich, Bravo is just promoting another show that she is on. Stay tuned... They are sitting down to breakfast and I'm distracted by Melissa's top. The grey sweatshirt from Wal-Mart with holes cut in the sleeves and lace sewn on top. Why would you buy this? There is no way it came from Posche. Posion is wearing a Poison shirt and the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, Dr. V gets right down to business addressing the stripper rumor they all think Teresa started. (um Melissa, we can figure out that you were likely far worse than a stripper. Why don't you just take the stripper bone and run with it before any of us find out what you really did? Better yet, move on!!!) The conversation continues in the same cycle that isn't even worth commenting on. Teresa is the devil and everyone else does not a single thing wrong. T, it is time to cut bait on these people. Someone go get Melania!!!
After deciding she will get nowhere with a group discussion, she decides to pull Roids into the other room to talk to him one on one. He starts the blame game with T's friends have started a rumor that Melissa cheated on him. Genius, one of these people is Melissa's best friend, the same one that rolled her eyes when notified of the book deal. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there is some truth to this. I still can't understand how Teresa gets blamed for everything. If we have learned nothing else about her, we have learned that she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but these people insist that she has the mental capacity to coordinate a room full of people to all bash Melissa. Can you pass that big of glass of You Wish over here? I'd like a sip. I think I would love nothing more than to see the combined SAT scores of these 7 people. Now we have Dr. V to add to the mix, rambling on, jumping to conclusions, listening to no one. As a viewer, I can't take it anymore and have no idea how these people are living this. I'm even relieved to see that Caroline has arrived. She sits at the breakfast table to discuss what has been happening. They replay everything, but Rich has the sympathy quote of the morning. "His (Roids) biggest hurt is that he can't even sit in his mother's bosom and talk to her...". SMH.... sit in his mother's bosom? I can get a life size picture of Poison sitting between his mother's boobs. Everything from here on out is ignored because I can't get past the stupidity of that statement. Melissa sits and continues to wipe away nonexistent tears. Caroline is preaching of her superior parenting skills of Black Water and Caface. Why is this show going downhill so quickly? In the end, Dr. V has determined they should try to work this out and uses some key counseling terms that she remembered reading online. All in all the final minute of that episode was downright painful to watch and I can't help but to hope they can somehow work all of this even though it is crystal clear Melissa does not want them to do so. I hope the next episode is better because I'm still trying to get over that bathroom scene.
