RHBH - White Party Episode

Since Jay Mohr's blog has left a hole in my life and this particular episode covered more crazy than a facebook status would allow, I had to start this blog. It's really a venue for my friends and I to discuss the show happenings, so no dissing the writer here. If you don't like what I write you have 2 options: 1 - don't read it, 2 - start your own, Loser.

This episode begins in Adrienne's shack of a house and Paul is totally confused by the printer. (I've been there too, Paul. Shout out to you!) They are discussing the incident of the tea, when Camille was talking about the situation with Russell & Taylor. This event is obviously setting the stage for how this rocking episode will end. These two are the voices of reason among the crazy. We shall look to them for guidance in the future.

Next we're off to Lisa's dungeon with Franc from Father of the Bride. I know his name is Kevin, but he insist on being Franc so he will be called Franc from here on out. They are listening to the band that may potentially perform at Pandora's wedding. This is perhaps the most awkward band decision of all times. They are a Latino band for the whitest of white people weddings in Beverly Hills. The groom then asks for a Motown song and somehow, it gets odder. The singer is some hippy looking woman who must think she sings like Adele, but clearly doesn't. Lisa is moved to tears whilst slow-dancing with Giggy. Franc steps over to her and kisses the dog. Really? Does being around all the money just make you stupid? Then comes my favorite part of the scene. Teary-eyed, Lisa walks over to her daughter, picks up the bottom of her sweater and WIPES AWAY HER TEARS WITH IT, exposing Pandora's leopard bra under the floral dress. I must be on whatever in the hell Kim is because nothing makes sense. There is so much wrong, I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and say we are being punked. Watch it again, you'll see what I'm talking about. The is no possible way English culture is that different from American, no way.

Next, Kyle is totally stressed out by her party she is throwing in 2 hours. Reality check, Kyle. You didn't clean your house, you're not cooking anything, there are more staff than party guests at work to put on this event, what could you be so stressed for? You aren't doing anything but writing checks. Sit down, shut it and let the hairdresser with way too many bangle bracelets on work her magic because, after all, you even have  to get yourself ready. Don't worry, we'll feel bad you later, but now is not your moment.

Now we finally get to the major issue of the episode... that jackass, crazy husband of Taylor is going to sue Camille for saying things that Taylor told her. Personally, I think Kelsey is behind it because we all like Camille now.

Oh Kim...having lunch with her daughters, Whitney and Kimberley. They obviously do not have a shred of respect for there mother because, well, Kim Richards is their mother. Kim is all aflutter because she is bringing that troll of a boyfriend, Ken, to Kyle's White Party. Kim, get the hint. There isn't a soul alive that thinks Ken is this great guy. Great guy for laying bricks...perhaps. I don't judge. Suddenly, Whitney notices a rather large diamond ring on a very significant finger and asks if it's new. Kim, being the stellar mother that she is, lies with an immediate "no" then says it's promise ring. Now Kim, I know we all aren't on the same level of narcotics you are; however, do you expect your daughter to believe that you are recycling an old ring of yours (never before seen) as a promise ring? Grab an upper, Honey, because we're not buying it.

Now it's time to party and Kyle has put the fate of the party's success into Glenn's hands. Good luck Glenn! Russell is so broke, he might threaten to sue you too. Camille and her friend D.D. are the first to show. Now, I don't mean to go all Louisiana on her ass, but the party guests are greeted by the a waiter holding a tray of plastic cups partially filled with champagne. Um, how much are you paying Glenn? Spend the extra $100 to rent real glass. This isn't a cocktail you are trying to sneak around the zoo.  This is a fancy, gown wearing, shoes that would cover my kid's tuition, themed party for the elite of Beverly Hills. I'll bet she was never in the Junior League, but I'll check with Ramona to be certain.

The stress of the lawsuit is so thick in the air I'm shocked their hair is holding up to it. They have decided that Taylor and Russell cannot come to this party and I totally agree. If this psycho is going to threaten a lawsuit to every one around him, he needs to be banned. To my absolute delight, they have decided to tell them they can't come in, when they arrive at the party. Yes, AT THE PARTY! At this point in the show, I can hardly contain my excitement.

As a distraction to the fact that we are only halfway through the show, Kim arrives with her troll, an entire garage sale full of necklaces, and an I Dream of Jeannie ponytail. Even more delightful, that car wreck Dana is there to do a cameo since she isn't interesting enough to really make the show. After several threats of the ass kicking Kim is going to pounce on Brandi, we get ready for their showdown.

On to Brandi...how did this complete piece of work get on this show? Was there no other woman in Beverly Hills? You are setting her up for failure, but I digress, because there is what she decided to wear knowing she would be seen on television. Brandi makes it to the big party, but the rest of the top of her dress didn't. Her unsupported breasts are desperately trying to pour out of every stitch and she looks like she hasn't washed her hair in at least 2 days. Alec, I'll take "Reasons She is Single" for $200.

This altercation is ADD personified. It's so hard to track what the fight is about because both of these women bring a new meaning to Hot Mess. I swear I've watched it 6 times and I still don't understand what came from it. My favorite part is that Kim begins by saying, "I don't like you" repeatedly while Brandi is apologizing profusely for reasons even she doesn't understand. And why is Rehab Jen just standing there watching the entire thing? You have counseling skills, yet refuse to use them. I mean, you deal with Steve Adler on a quasi-regular basis and then do nothing with this dynamic duo. This crew needs to be written off the show immediately because even this fight was disappointing. The finger pointing just isn't going to cut it for me, but please, Dear God, make sure you never ever point at Brandi.  That's her trigger for excessive F-bomb usage then I'm forced to look at her & wonder why she is incapable of opening her mouth while she speaks.

Now the moment I have sooo been waiting for, Taylor & The Creeper. They have no idea what's waiting for them and I'm excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I would be more compelled to pay attention to this World's Most Awkward Exchange between a husband and wife, but I'm distracted by Taylor's horrendous outfit. Her earrings are the size of a dinner plate and have an entire peacock's ass full of feathers on each one. Her dress looks like the result of a Wrap the Mummy game at a kid's Halloween party which she lost. There is not a more unflattering dress in existence. She has a toilet paper ruffle right under her boobs (Note to Brandi: don't get cocky because hers are restrained and where they belong).  It is gathered at her stomach to give the appearance that she has ever eaten, a shoe string bow at her crotch and part of the back is cut out in the style of Camille's pre-Kelsey dance days. Taylor makes the Jersey girls look high fashion with this one, if only she had a knit cap.

At this point, I'm so over the dress and I feel AWFUL for her and Kyle. This scene is pure pain to watch and harder to comment on after seeing the hurt feelings. There can't be anything harder than delivering this news or hearing it. This may have gone on forever if Paul wasn't there to cut through the BS with the precision of his plastics background. Russell tries to sling it, but he's having none of it.  Even Adrienne isn't taking it from you Dude so back down!  I would have preferred to see her sporting some Wonder Woman cuffs to deflect comments, but we'll wait for the animated version. 

All in all, PRAISE JESUS because this episode is being continued.