"What do you want to do? I mean we can be in Vegas in an hour...", said Russel, in the most robotic voice a human can muster. I know I shouldn't type ill of the dead, but seriously Taylor, if this jackass didn't have dollar bills stapled to his forehead, would you even give him the time of day? How creepy does one have to be before your internal sensors go off? I can appreciate that she tried to grow a set when she told him that perhaps he shouldn't have sent the e-mail, but too late. You had sex with him and I just won't ever get past that. Plus he's rambling on about how Camille is lying, when the Taylor voice-over kicks in with a "she exaggerated, but it's not a lie". Whip out your testicle satchel and TELL HIM THAT. Ugh, I'm so glad they finally got out of the limo before I had to go beat Taylor too.
Back to the ADD White Party....women are in gowns, giving their order to the Fat Burger people who even have diner waitress notepads to write it down. Next, the Mariachi band comes out and Mauricio whisks his wife to the dance floor to do what looked like Greek dancing. Then Lisa and Dana are trying to engage Kim in a conversation. In all seriousness, what is wrong with you people? The party montage continues. Samantha Ronson is the DJ. Kim is dancing a` la Kyle pony tail swinging style. Brandi's bragging about trying to make out with Camille and Adrienne. Oh please, please, PLEASE talk about people from the South because let me tell you, Red Necks have nothing on this group. If it weren't filmed in the land of veneers, I would swear these people were missing teeth. Some of them are all ready barefoot.
Just when you think it might end, that complete stud muffin Ken saunters into the scene. He is dressed like Justin Timberlake after a white sale. Kim glances across the dance floor and their eyes lock like something out of a romantic movie. As if there is no else but her on the dance floor, he glides over to her, then starts raking out crap from his teeth! Can it get more disgusting? Why I'm so glad you asked because just then, they embrace, he lifts her off the ground and they start to make out. Where o' where have my acid eye drops gone because ICK! Kim is so high she thinks they have "taken over" the dance floor. No, Kim. The gagging sounds you are hearing are not from the bulimics of Beverly Hills tossing up their Fat Burger, it is everyone watching this interaction. I need to go take one of those scrub baths like Ethan Hawke in Gattaca just from watching you two, months later and thousands of miles away. Your coupling is grotesque and freaks everyone out. I'll just assume he is your supplier and is keeping you high Howard K. Stern style because there is no rational explanation for this. If she busts out the Cheetos and strawberry milk like Anna Nicole, I'm notifying the authorities.
It's time to plan for our trip to Hawaii, which did not deliver this week. Let's hope next week brings more excitement. There is some exchange between Lisa and Hair Helmet Ken, but really, we don't care. Giggy's not going, Brandi is, ran into Cedric...yawn. The most exciting thing is trying to decipher what is this robe she is wearing. A blush silk robe with ginormous fur sleeves that Mad Max may have worn beyond the Thunderdome. Even Ken is laughing at you and we have seen how he dresses. Off to Kyle's house where Mauricio appears topless (thank you, Jesus!). How smoking hot is this man? Kyle may not be the richest woman in Beverly Hills, but she has the best looking husband. She tells us that Troll Ken will be joining her sister on the trip. Mauricio had better be naked if I'm going to have to be looking at Ken in swimwear.
Everyone starts to arrive at the airport. Ken is sporting his finest lilac jacket. Lisa has a donkey booty (who knew she'd be dangling that carrot?). Brandi should have just shown up naked since she, once again, has no bra and her dress is see-through. Camille is going on safari in a different climate. Kim is missing and they are all eating burgers and fries. WTF? How do they eat like this? I've been to Beverly Hills before and I can't find burgers and fries much less locate women that eat them. I'm now going to assume everyone is bulimic and try to be concerned that Kim has not shown up yet. OK, I tried. Nope, still don't care. She won't be there because she has an expired license. Can she even convert oxygen to carbon dioxide?
Now Taylor is at the therapist alone. I'm trying to feel empathy for her situation, yet I'm oddly entranced by her lips. They keep distracting me and I am missing what she says. What exactly has been inserted into that upper lip? hmmm....
The flight to Honolulu was relatively uneventful. There's some Kim bashing, but she asks for it with her irrational behavior. Kyle tries to step up the action by calling Kim only to discover that she cannot link words together to form a sentence. Is this woman really richer than me? She's going to be on the later flight with Paul. Further penance for the sins of Paul.
All hell breaks loose for the next flight. Mauricio booked a 30 seater private plan. It's some old looking propeller place that, I'll admit, I doubt I would get on to fly anywhere. This group beats him down like he showed up with a donkey & pack to get there. Hi rich and spoiled. You are so rude! Talk behind his back like everyone does on the show. Don't call him a cheap bastard to his face! Luckily, Hot Mess Brandi is there to get every one's mind off the adventure. She freely admits to taking Xanax for the flight while drinking. When they are on the go-cart plane, she's props up her injured leg on the top of the seat in front of her. Then in the confessional, states that she used to rufie herself, but unfortunately it's illegal now. I can't even begin to imagine why Eddie left this prize for Leann Rimes. Her observation of human behavior is condensed into "everyone that drives a red Ferrari is a douche bag and has a small penis". What? Why? Huh? There are no words for her.
They get to the hotel and everyone changes clothes. I have no idea why Brandi bothered since she still had no bra. Her and Camille are in the exact same dress but in different colors, however, Camille fits in hers. It just makes all the difference. Rock Star Ken has another lilac garment, but this shirt is unbuttoned to his naval. What Ken, no mirror? It works for him because drunk Xanaxed Brandi is hanging all over him. She declares that Troll Ken looks like a gay Bull Mastiff. Suddenly, stupid Brandi has become pure genius in my eyes. Kyle is offended. Stick it up your butt, Kyle, you haven't been nice either. Who are you trying to kid? Kim then says "I don't think Maurice is the most handsome guy on the block". You're right, Honey. In the event of Mauricio vs. Troll Ken, your boy has him beat. Pass the Oxycontin this way...
After all this excitement, let's head down to the pool with Camille and Brandi. Oops! It appears that Brandi may have forgotten to put on her swimsuit. I don't care how "amazing" one's body is, but when you are single on a couple's trip, you wear clothes. Nipples do not have to be aired-out in order to remain on your breast. A common misconception, I'm sure. And what is up with Camille keeping her shoes on while tanning? Weren't you just complaining about tan lines and your going to keep the strappy wedges on your feet? To the beach to meet the rest of the gang...
Kim' still not here. Get her off the show and stop talking about it! Now the moment we've all been waiting for, the phone call from Taylor. It's been on every commercial so we know what's coming, but I can't wait to see it. She makes the big announcement that her marriage is over and Russell is moving out. It looks like she's going to have to move to the beach chairs by Brandi and Camille, but THANK GOD! She's finally leaving him. Hooray! We've never been so excited to see a marriage end.
Next week, Kim arrives at the island. Stay tuned...
I am missing a paragraph about Taylor at the therapist. I have no idea what happened to it. I'll check my home computer and try to re-post.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Gattaca reference was a great visual. One question: Kyle's husband has hair on his chest!!???!! Are you lowering your standards?
ReplyDeleteNo Tim, cool your jets. I'm not lowering my standards. I'm still opposed to body hair as a genre. Mauricio doesn't have that much and none on his back!
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