RHOBH - The Reunion, part 3

It is the final episode of the Trilogy and we are finally going to see Kim Richards.  The episode begins with Taylor because she won't go away.  She starts off with a conspiracy theory that perhaps he was murdered.  So Taylor, I'm thinking about moving, what are lots going for in your area of Delusionville?  The man hung himself with an electrical cord.  Tragic, yes, but worthy of conspiracy?  I highly doubt it.  If everyone hated Russell as much as they claim I think someone would have just shot him in the face.  She talks about the book she has written.  Russell used to monitor her every move.  There were recording devices all over her house and in her car.  I'm going to assume that this was before the domestic violence, yet you stayed?  I think this book is more of a declaration of how stupid one can be and less about saving other victims of domestic violence.  There are many things I have done in my life that I'm embarrassed about.  Notice the lack of a book title celebrating these events.  Taylor, you need to STOP TALKING!  I swear she is the crazy old aunt at the Christmas dinner table that will not stop rambling.  I get that she has had a lot of terrible things happen to her, but it's almost like she enjoys telling the horrific stories of how terribly she was treated.  Honey, you think Lisa Vanderpump treats you poorly?  I agree with Brandi and Camille's assessment of the situation.  None of this makes sense so I don't want to hear about it.  I hope Brandi replaces her on the show.

As a new addition, they bring Dana on the show.  Even though I think she is a complete idiot, she is a welcomed breath of fresh air that has gotten Taylor to shut up.  Kudos.  The first thing she does, shows us her pair of shoes that have "F**k You" written on them.  In the immortal words of Elvis, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie".  Who does this?  She giggles and says" there was a middle finger with a diamond on it".  Well what a tremendous waste of a diamond!  What is wrong with you?  This isn't charming, this is ridiculous on so many levels I need a flow chart just to get to the end of each statement.  If I'm being totally honest, I really couldn't care less about any explanation she offered regarding her behavior.  "25 thousands for sunglasses...I mean, we're not a practical group".  Um, no shit, but when everyone else in the room think you're an idiot, zip it. 
Now we get a breakdown of Dana's personal history.  She lived alone at fifteen.  Her mom was poor, her dad was rich.  She makes this plea about just wanting to belong to groups in high school and wanting to fit in with the ladies on the show.  Desperate much?  Now this reunion episode is just getting sad.  First we were forced to endure Taylor's whining, now this?  Where is Kim Richards?  If I don't get some real crazy soon, I'm going to need to change the channel.

I love that Dana critiqued Brandi's behavior as a guest because, clearly, she has done a doctoral thesis on what it means to be Emily Post.  COME ON!  She isn't even comedic relief for the show, she's just an idiot.  Taylor, if you are going to bring crazy friends on the show to leave an impression, take hints from Camille.  No one brought it like Allison Dubois and no one ever will.  In her ramblings, I'm distracted by the fact that it looks like her genius toddler may have done her make-up for the show.  She's sporting the blue sequin dress and the blue eyeshadow.  Praise God, her segment only last 6 minutes of the episode.  I'm battling staying awake for the second time I am watching this episode.

The house husbands have joined the show, Ken, Mauricio, and Paul.  Immediately, Andy calls out Paul for the consultation he did for Taylor's face outside of his front gate.  This somehow translated into her mind as invitation to throw herself at Paul.  Adrienne, I'm telling, watch out.  You treat the man like crap-a-doodle and this one is going to take him.  We also learn in this segment that Ken is the most brilliant man alive.  He defends his stance on therapy and that it doesn't work for him.  He discusses his issues with his wife then does what he is told.  Good man.  Mauricio then gets asked if he has received any nude photos this season.  Wait a minute, is that an option?  Because I'm posing in front of my web cam now.  The next series shows him playing sports, topless, and then the Holy Grail...his butt crack.  OK, there is the one redeeming quality of this episode.  Back to Ken, but now discussing his sexual chemistry with Brandi.  It is noted that women everywhere find him attractive.  When asked what she finds attractive about him, Brandi replies "EVERYTHING".  Shut the door!  Everything?  So Rod Stewart in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory purple suit is what gets you going?  Seriously?  At least it matches the purple streak on the top of his hair.

At last!  It's the moment I've waited the entire Trilogy for...Kim Richards.  She runs into the room to greet Andy with a "look at my shoes" then takes her seat for the interview.  What does every woman need for an interview ?  A silver, glitter clutch purse, of course.  No need to keep it in the green room, no!  BRING IT ON CAMERA WITH YOU THEN HOLD IT IN YOUR DEATH GRIP THE ENTIRE TIME.  What?  What are you doing?  Oh well , on to the question we've all been waiting for..."Kim, why did you go to Rehab?"  The Rambler replies, "I'm an alcoholic.  I'm an alcoholic, and I, I drink, I drink".  Thank you for the clarification because so few of us watching the show understand what it means when someone says alcoholic.  Why is she repeating everything she is saying?  She is like a damn parrot. Good news, maybe Disney will hire you once again for an appearance in the Tiki Room since you have displayed such talent.  Get your agent on the phone pronto!

"I just didn't like me anymore."  Blank stare.  Hello?  Kim? Re-engages, "I just didn't like me anymore."  Andy asks, "Are they prescribing all of your anxiety pills?"  Kim, "Yes, the treatment facility I went to put me on the program.  I stopped taking some and it was real bad."  This isn't bad?  There is another level of crazy you go to on reduced meds?  Sounds like a spin-off show to me.  We learn in the beginning of the season she wasn't drinking and that's why she was semi-together.  On the show she was on Trazodone, Topamax and Lexapro for severe anxiety and panic disorder.  She says she was only on these drugs for Game Night.  Only on these drugs?  I could drug a horse with that, but I can see why you thought it was light weight since you didn't also have alcohol.  They continue, it's lame.  I miss drunk Kim.  She still struggles to formulate a sentence, but that will only get me so far.  Andy asks, "I have clips of that SUR episode.  Do you want to see any?"  Blank stare off to the side....Helllooooo???  She barely verablizes the "oh alright", then again, staring off into to space.  Note to the producers: I'm going to need to see a little more than this.  This episode is getting more painful by the minute.  They must agree because they go into the longest series of clips ever.  We learn she is not with Ken any longer (I guess she saw him without the beer goggles) and she is moving this weekend.  How many times have we heard this phrase out her mouth?  She moves more than a nomad Indian tribe.  Maybe she should invest in a teepee. 

They bring Kyle on to interview with Kim.  I'm trying to be interested, but am continuing to keep my eyes fixed on the glitter clutch.  Are you getting a kickback for that?  Put it away.  It's annoying.  How do you feel about bringing up Kim's alcoholism?  Kyle - I feel bad about that.  Kim - I feel bad about that.  Put the damn purse down!  I can't handle it!  What is up with Kyle sporting the sequin Liza Minneli jacket?  Are you in your early 70's?  This episode has given me ADD and I'm about to start self cuttin..  I am frantically analyzing every inch of the set.  This conversation personifies paint drying.  There are 12 minutes left and all I can think about is that episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County I have on my DVR.  I think I even miss the purple light on top of everyone's head.  Go get Dana.  I'm interested to know how much she pays for tampons.  Holy Hell.  Kyle is crying, Kim talks about feeling overwhelmed and I'm back on the purse.

Is it wrong that I wish Kim was drinking again?  Really.  This was a painful reunion show to sit through and remain alert.  Maybe we should re-think the 3 episode reunion thing.  It's called editing, look into it.  Hone your craft!  My final vote for the season is that Brandi joins the regular cast and we say good bye to Taylor and Kim.  I'd kick Kyle off too but I enjoy her topless husband, so she can stay and cry.  Overall, the season has been entertaining and I know I will be so excited to see it back next season.  Air kisses Ladies!  See you soon.

RHOBH - The Reunion the Sequel

They begin this episode with Brandi and I begin with a thank you.  My favorite is that they instantly lay into the fact that she never has a bra on, which is an issue that has bothered me for more than one blog. I also love that everyone talks about what a slut she is, but isn't really.  This is the weirdest greeting ever.  Brandi, if you are not a slut, then don't refer to you as one.  If you are a slut, then wear it proud.  If you are unsure, let me know and I'll introduce you to some so you can compare and contrast.

They next question her on why she wore such a small bikini on the Hawaii trip in front of everyone's husbands.  Her response "Who was married?  Mauricio, her husband (pointing at Lisa),  2 men.  Oh and Paul was there, but there's a big question mark there."  Slam dunk, Brandi.  10 points for that.  Adrienne retorts, "No that's not a question mark, we're married."  Are you surprised Maloof when every word you say to your husband is filled with disdain?  Of course, that's also how I can tell y'all are married, because every word you say to him is filled with disdain.  Still, I love that she called her out on it after beating up on Lisa last week.  Let's face it, Adrienne.  You and Paul are not the portrait of marital bliss.  Most couples fight about money and that's not an issue for you, so be nice to your husband.  If not, rest assured, someone else with take him.

Game Night.  They could spend an entire reunion episode on this one topic.  I do find it humorous that Kyle tries to blow off her behavior.  What is the "I would never do something like that" comment about Kim hiding Brandi's crutches at the party.  Honey, you found out she hid them, but then you certainly didn't go get them for her.  I would not be OK with that behavior.  What I love even more is that Brandi said, "Well, your sister is in rehab now so I wasn't that wrong."  You damn straight!  As much as I don't really respect Brandi, I have to admit that I sort of like her now.  More people need to be as authentic as she is.  Everyone in Beverly Hills claims they want everyone else to be honest with them.  Allow me to be honest with you, no you don't.  You want everyone to tell you exactly what you want to hear and you need your ego inflated daily. Brandi is a refreshing change. Then Taylor interjects her, "but you said you were going to kill her twice."  Oh Taylor, SHUT UP!  When you have nothing to add to the conversation, you keep your inflated lips closed.  It's a wonder they have sealed themselves closed by now.

There were many disappointing parts of this episode.  I expected so much more out of the curse words segment.  So much potential and snooze...  Who talks like that?  You do and it's boring.  Favorite curse word, "Poopy Stink"?  Really Camille?  Then dogs drinking out of glasses?  Sexy versus slutty?  Kyle trying to pretend she's better than everyone else.  (FYI, Child Actor, you're not).  Did we really need 3 episodes for this?  I could have edited 9/10 of this episode.   I have a feeling I will only be discussing Brandi for the rest of this since she's the only one who brought her A game to the reunion.

Next they discuss the Lisa and Taylor friendship that blossomed after the tea party.  Yes, it was weird, but I feel like Lisa was being extra nice to this nut job and she needed at the time.  Taylor's big issue with Lisa...Giggy was tweeting and calling people names.  Can you people please bottle and donate your free time to me?  Who in the hell understands Twitter anyway?  Taylor was hurt because Giggy called her either a blow fish or a duck, you know, like half of the free world.  Brandi confronts her saying you talk about your lips too and she snaps back "I wasn't talking to you".  Brandi says, "Back off Oklahoma" and it really didn't have any impact on the show, but the fact that she said it makes me giggle.

Taylor tells Lisa that all the women talk behind her back and Lisa is shocked by this revelation. Really?  I've been female for a while now and being around other females has only proven one thing, everyone talks behind everyone's back.  Just assume it is so.  Now what they say is what makes the difference.  Brandi confirmed that piece of information to Lisa as well.  Adrienne seemed a little shocked that Brandi said that.  Why Adrienne?  Guilty much?  Then Brandi chimes in, "Well I didn't say they all talked behind your back, just one person specifically." then she looks at Adrienne and says "You."  Shazaam!  Seriously, I love this.  Adrienne, "Why would you tell her that?  That's not nice."  I'm sorry, I must have just swallowed a pill and hallucinated.  Brandi should not have told Lisa that you talk behind her back, but you telling everyone you don't like her and other terrible things is considered friendly behavior in Beverly Hills?  Besides Adrienne, your guilty behavior is selling you out way more than anything that comes out of your face today.  Grow a set and admit it.  Stop blaming the Brandi Train.

There's a few more questions, then they get into a conversation about Brandi's issues with Taylor.  I mean really, how long is this episode?  I'm sure she could go one for days.  In this instance Brandi starts talking about running into Russell somewhere and him denying the e-mail incident.  She said that he said Taylor knew about it.  Come on, Brandi?  Do you really believe him?  He a liar who beats his wife.  Even though Duckie gets on my nerves, I have to back her up on this one.  I'm Team Taylor on this round, though I like it much better when I'm Team Taylor because of a hot wolf guy than in this particular case. 

What I don't understand is why is Taylor so hell bent determined to repeat every single horrendous thing Russell has ever said to her.  Stop it!  It's crazy!  Don't do it anymore.  Then Taylor defends herself by saying, "Eddie Cibrian said you slit his tires.  Is that true."  Brandi without skipping a beat says, "Yeah."  LOVE IT!  That was the best moment of the season hands down and I'm back on Team Brandi.  Then she proceeds to describe what she did.  Now I think I need a Brandi poster in my house!  It's so awesome.  Then Taylor concludes the segment with "I rest my case."  What?  What case?  You the head case is rested?  I'm no philosophy professor, but I don't think you proved anything at all with that flow of logic, Home Girl.  The madness continues....Brandi asks Taylor about the book she was "writing" and how quickly it seems to have evolved.  Duckie totally loses and starts giving her Domestic Violence statistics.  Hold on a minute, do you really think you are going to change the trends of domestic violence with your latest version of a Real Housewives book?  Do YOU even believe the shit you are selling?  She espouses, "This is none of your business."  Then why oh WHY are you talking about it on television?  I know it's cable, but you must know that now people besides Brandi will know about it.

In the madness St. Kyle, the perpetual Saint of complete self-centeredness, says "someone died here.  Don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes."  Just when I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit she says, "you are Angry Spice" as though it was the most clever comeback of all time.  FYI Kyle, it was not.  It was an extraordinarily dated reference from the late 90's.  The conversation of Kyle defending Taylor continues, but I've lost all interest until.... Lisa defends Brandi slashing the tires.  Superhero Lisa strikes again and I love it!

There is lots of talk about the Kyle and Kim relationship.  Whatever.  I'll save commentary for the next episode.  I'm getting sick of Kyle and I want her to stop talking.  Let's turn to Camille.  Andy confronts her on how she acted this season.  She denies "acting" for the camera, but we know otherwise, Four Nannies.  I have to admit, I miss last season's Camille who introduced Allison Dubois into my life.  She was crazy, but I still liked her.  She's ultra likable this season but I miss the crazy.  We find out Kelsey doesn't speak to her at all.  Kelsey, you're a loser.  Grow a set like Brandi.  I have no respect for you.  Does Camille take pleasure in the fact that her show gets better ratings than Kelsey's?  You damn straight she does!  She says she's been humbled over the past year.  I agree and we are happy for you, but please bring your crazy friend back and stop hiding in the bathroom.

The question of the day, "Taylor, your lips don't seem as large as in Season 1."  Who is this idiot sending in questions?  She flew in on her lips.  There are more questions for Taylor about the book and her abuse.  I can't even comment on this because the more she says the less respect I have for her.  If you are going to tell everyone, and I mean EVERYONE about your abuse, then you should have left him a long time ago.  I know victims of domestic violence and they don't say a word.  Something just doesn't fit in this scenario.  Now she has a murder conspiracy on Russell.  Oh please, I can't take it.
One more episode to go and The Real Housewives of Orange County starts this week.  So much blogging to do and so little time...

RHOBH - Pandora's Wedding

Aw... the finale.  I'm so sad to see the season end, but hallelujah, there will be the reunion.  We start with Lisa, the day before her daughter's wedding.  Personally, I can't wait to see this event.  The reception is taking place in a tent on the tennis court.  What?  Like you don't have one in the backyard.  Suddenly, quick cut to Paul's colonoscopy and a enema.  Well done, editors, well done.  Paul is having a few procedures done and is looking for some help and sympathy from Adrienne.  He needs some help with an enema.  Dude, who do you think you married?  That is what middle class wives do.  Your wife can buy you a nursing staff to deal with you so get your help from them.  She's out.  Come to think of it., that may go beyond my middle class wifely duties as well, so good luck to my husband too.

Back to Lisa and the wedding.  Ken pops home from work to check to see how things are going.  They are working on flowers and prepping the wine bottles with personalized labels.  As she is discussing everything going on for the day with Ken, I can't help but notice the two nipples sitting on top of her head.  Yes, go ahead.  Watch it again before the reunion.  You'll see the boobies on the painting behind her head.  It's moments like this that I live for, sad but true.  Still, I watch in disbelief that she is doing the flowers for her foyer.  If I'm paying a million dollars for a wedding, I'm not doing ANYTHING. 

The editing geniuses at Bravo have decided to televise Paul's colonoscopy.  Really?  We couldn't skip that?  Then we film him farting?  The doctor, with all of his free time, had time to hang out and observe the farting?  Keep in mind, I enjoy farting just as much as the next guy, I just find it hard to believe they don't have anything more interesting going on in their lives.  Where's Kim?
It's the day of the wedding and the cake is here!  All $9,500 of it.  That didn't include the pink roses for it.  Why can't I sell stuff to these people?  The wedding planner is missing.  This is unacceptable.  How much money is this guy making?  I guess that's what you get when you hire a man that can only "she she she darling".  I would comment more on the wedding preparations, but I can feel their stress.  I'm getting stressed out just watching it.

On to Kyle, let's see what she is wearing to the wedding.  She has several beautiful dress to choose from.  She tells her husband they are leaving to pick up Adrienne at 6:30 today.  Mauricio asks, "Is this black tie?  I was thinking about wearing my navy Dolce suit".  Are you my husband?  This is a stunt he would pull.  Maybe it's something all men do.  Why do you think about what you are going to wear the day of the big event?  Why?  Just to piss us off?  Besides, one can't typically whip together a black tie outfit in a few hours.  Kyle tells him of course he cannot wear a navy blue suit to a black tie function.  First Franc, now this.  How many Father of The Bride references do we need?  Besides, he has like 40 suits hanging in the closet.  I'm certain something is black.

Boring Camille needs something to wear to the wedding.  She has a rack of gowns.  Yes, that's what I said, A RACK OF GOWNS.  It looks like the inside of a bridal boutique.  We have all underestimated Camille.  I know she is on her best behavior this season (please bring Allison Dubois to the wedding.  Please, please, please), but she is, by far, the most considerate.  She will not be wearing pink to the wedding because she knows that is Lisa's color and she's wearing that.  Aw...Camille...you are so sweet! (So really, no Allison?)  It's a good decision on Camille's part too.  I'm guessing this wedding will be where pink comes to die.  I'm certain even the TP will be pink.  What is up with this closet?  It's the size of my den!  Why isn't Kelsey my first husband?  You can park a car in there.  The big reveal, she is dating someone.  A man named Dimitri.  I'm guessing he's better looking than Troll, but we'll see.

Here come Franc, 5 hours before the  wedding.  I swear I would dock his pay or at the very least smash his stupid glasses.  He exchanges some words with Lisa, then offers to get her a martini.  That's one pricey bar tender.  The wedding preparations continue and on to the most important issue of the day.  What will Giggy wear?  Everyone is getting dressed and I have to say, Pandora is the most collected bride I have ever seen.  Giggy is dressed, phew, crisis averted.  Let's get on with the show!  Pandora comes down the stairs dressed for her big day and my God, she looks absolutely beautiful. 
The rest of the gang, Kyle, Camille and Adrienne are hanging out at Adrienne's house before the wedding. Paul has straightened his hair (exhale loudly, oh Paul.  I'm having an Adrienne moment, why?)  Camille is talking about becoming Jewish.  Mauricio wore that damn navy suit (exhale loudly, oh Mauricio).  Everyone leaves to go to the wedding.  All I can think is where is Kim?  Did she go to rehab?

The wedding begins and I must say, this wedding is gorgeous.  I don't think I've seen a better one on TV because Lord knows, I don't get invited to weddings like this (sorry friends, mine sucked too).  Jason looks like a model posed a the groom.  Seriously, if you play Mystery Date, this is the guy you want behind that door.  Here comes the bride, and really it's beautiful, but...Pandy

It's 3 weeks later and Glenn is back at Kyle's house.  Kim's not coming...SHOCKING.  Hopefully, she's in a straight jacket somewhere.  Lisa brought photos from the wedding.  Everyone is on their best behavior.  FYI - this is not why I watch this show.  You people had better step it up for the Reunion or go pick up Teresa in New Jersey before you film it.

The usual end of show recaps:  Taylor is trying to keep it together after Russell's death.  She is facing financial and legals issues, but has time to publish her memoirs.  What memoirs?  Memoirs of a Weepy Duck- lipped girl?  I'm not buying it. Next.  Camille is hot and heavy with her new guy.  Really?  That's all there is to say?  Afraid to open your mouth because a skeleton might fall out?  Nonetheless, I'm glad she's happy because Kelsey is an ass.  Lisa and Ken downsized to a 10,000 square foot home then added 2,000 more.  Well, I just hope their old house is still on the market so I have some place to move to next week.  Adrienne is celebrating her successful shoe line and getting new neighbors across the street.  Yo Adrienne, it's gonna be me so get ready for The Black Family.  I can't wait for my daughters to color something in your house with markers.  Kim's update is my favorite.  She is not pregnant (duh) and she has checked herself into a drug and alcohol rehab program in December.  Please tell me she'll be on the next season of Celebrity Rehab.  Kyle has written an advice book for women (not buying this one either) and it includes a chapter on "Sisterly Love".  I'll just assume it's book for sorority girls because I don't think real sisters act the way you two do.  When Paris and Nikki are a better benchmark for behavior you should read a book of self-reflection, not give advice to others. 

I have to say, this season started with a bang and ended with a big snooze.  The Reunion episodes had better step up the game.  I mean really, go sleep with someone's husband if you have to, but you better bring something else to this show before we are forced to Real Housewives of Miami your ass.