RHOBH - The Reunion, part 3

It is the final episode of the Trilogy and we are finally going to see Kim Richards.  The episode begins with Taylor because she won't go away.  She starts off with a conspiracy theory that perhaps he was murdered.  So Taylor, I'm thinking about moving, what are lots going for in your area of Delusionville?  The man hung himself with an electrical cord.  Tragic, yes, but worthy of conspiracy?  I highly doubt it.  If everyone hated Russell as much as they claim I think someone would have just shot him in the face.  She talks about the book she has written.  Russell used to monitor her every move.  There were recording devices all over her house and in her car.  I'm going to assume that this was before the domestic violence, yet you stayed?  I think this book is more of a declaration of how stupid one can be and less about saving other victims of domestic violence.  There are many things I have done in my life that I'm embarrassed about.  Notice the lack of a book title celebrating these events.  Taylor, you need to STOP TALKING!  I swear she is the crazy old aunt at the Christmas dinner table that will not stop rambling.  I get that she has had a lot of terrible things happen to her, but it's almost like she enjoys telling the horrific stories of how terribly she was treated.  Honey, you think Lisa Vanderpump treats you poorly?  I agree with Brandi and Camille's assessment of the situation.  None of this makes sense so I don't want to hear about it.  I hope Brandi replaces her on the show.

As a new addition, they bring Dana on the show.  Even though I think she is a complete idiot, she is a welcomed breath of fresh air that has gotten Taylor to shut up.  Kudos.  The first thing she does, shows us her pair of shoes that have "F**k You" written on them.  In the immortal words of Elvis, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie".  Who does this?  She giggles and says" there was a middle finger with a diamond on it".  Well what a tremendous waste of a diamond!  What is wrong with you?  This isn't charming, this is ridiculous on so many levels I need a flow chart just to get to the end of each statement.  If I'm being totally honest, I really couldn't care less about any explanation she offered regarding her behavior.  "25 thousands for sunglasses...I mean, we're not a practical group".  Um, no shit, but when everyone else in the room think you're an idiot, zip it. 
Now we get a breakdown of Dana's personal history.  She lived alone at fifteen.  Her mom was poor, her dad was rich.  She makes this plea about just wanting to belong to groups in high school and wanting to fit in with the ladies on the show.  Desperate much?  Now this reunion episode is just getting sad.  First we were forced to endure Taylor's whining, now this?  Where is Kim Richards?  If I don't get some real crazy soon, I'm going to need to change the channel.

I love that Dana critiqued Brandi's behavior as a guest because, clearly, she has done a doctoral thesis on what it means to be Emily Post.  COME ON!  She isn't even comedic relief for the show, she's just an idiot.  Taylor, if you are going to bring crazy friends on the show to leave an impression, take hints from Camille.  No one brought it like Allison Dubois and no one ever will.  In her ramblings, I'm distracted by the fact that it looks like her genius toddler may have done her make-up for the show.  She's sporting the blue sequin dress and the blue eyeshadow.  Praise God, her segment only last 6 minutes of the episode.  I'm battling staying awake for the second time I am watching this episode.

The house husbands have joined the show, Ken, Mauricio, and Paul.  Immediately, Andy calls out Paul for the consultation he did for Taylor's face outside of his front gate.  This somehow translated into her mind as invitation to throw herself at Paul.  Adrienne, I'm telling, watch out.  You treat the man like crap-a-doodle and this one is going to take him.  We also learn in this segment that Ken is the most brilliant man alive.  He defends his stance on therapy and that it doesn't work for him.  He discusses his issues with his wife then does what he is told.  Good man.  Mauricio then gets asked if he has received any nude photos this season.  Wait a minute, is that an option?  Because I'm posing in front of my web cam now.  The next series shows him playing sports, topless, and then the Holy Grail...his butt crack.  OK, there is the one redeeming quality of this episode.  Back to Ken, but now discussing his sexual chemistry with Brandi.  It is noted that women everywhere find him attractive.  When asked what she finds attractive about him, Brandi replies "EVERYTHING".  Shut the door!  Everything?  So Rod Stewart in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory purple suit is what gets you going?  Seriously?  At least it matches the purple streak on the top of his hair.

At last!  It's the moment I've waited the entire Trilogy for...Kim Richards.  She runs into the room to greet Andy with a "look at my shoes" then takes her seat for the interview.  What does every woman need for an interview ?  A silver, glitter clutch purse, of course.  No need to keep it in the green room, no!  BRING IT ON CAMERA WITH YOU THEN HOLD IT IN YOUR DEATH GRIP THE ENTIRE TIME.  What?  What are you doing?  Oh well , on to the question we've all been waiting for..."Kim, why did you go to Rehab?"  The Rambler replies, "I'm an alcoholic.  I'm an alcoholic, and I, I drink, I drink".  Thank you for the clarification because so few of us watching the show understand what it means when someone says alcoholic.  Why is she repeating everything she is saying?  She is like a damn parrot. Good news, maybe Disney will hire you once again for an appearance in the Tiki Room since you have displayed such talent.  Get your agent on the phone pronto!

"I just didn't like me anymore."  Blank stare.  Hello?  Kim? Re-engages, "I just didn't like me anymore."  Andy asks, "Are they prescribing all of your anxiety pills?"  Kim, "Yes, the treatment facility I went to put me on the program.  I stopped taking some and it was real bad."  This isn't bad?  There is another level of crazy you go to on reduced meds?  Sounds like a spin-off show to me.  We learn in the beginning of the season she wasn't drinking and that's why she was semi-together.  On the show she was on Trazodone, Topamax and Lexapro for severe anxiety and panic disorder.  She says she was only on these drugs for Game Night.  Only on these drugs?  I could drug a horse with that, but I can see why you thought it was light weight since you didn't also have alcohol.  They continue, it's lame.  I miss drunk Kim.  She still struggles to formulate a sentence, but that will only get me so far.  Andy asks, "I have clips of that SUR episode.  Do you want to see any?"  Blank stare off to the side....Helllooooo???  She barely verablizes the "oh alright", then again, staring off into to space.  Note to the producers: I'm going to need to see a little more than this.  This episode is getting more painful by the minute.  They must agree because they go into the longest series of clips ever.  We learn she is not with Ken any longer (I guess she saw him without the beer goggles) and she is moving this weekend.  How many times have we heard this phrase out her mouth?  She moves more than a nomad Indian tribe.  Maybe she should invest in a teepee. 

They bring Kyle on to interview with Kim.  I'm trying to be interested, but am continuing to keep my eyes fixed on the glitter clutch.  Are you getting a kickback for that?  Put it away.  It's annoying.  How do you feel about bringing up Kim's alcoholism?  Kyle - I feel bad about that.  Kim - I feel bad about that.  Put the damn purse down!  I can't handle it!  What is up with Kyle sporting the sequin Liza Minneli jacket?  Are you in your early 70's?  This episode has given me ADD and I'm about to start self cuttin..  I am frantically analyzing every inch of the set.  This conversation personifies paint drying.  There are 12 minutes left and all I can think about is that episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County I have on my DVR.  I think I even miss the purple light on top of everyone's head.  Go get Dana.  I'm interested to know how much she pays for tampons.  Holy Hell.  Kyle is crying, Kim talks about feeling overwhelmed and I'm back on the purse.

Is it wrong that I wish Kim was drinking again?  Really.  This was a painful reunion show to sit through and remain alert.  Maybe we should re-think the 3 episode reunion thing.  It's called editing, look into it.  Hone your craft!  My final vote for the season is that Brandi joins the regular cast and we say good bye to Taylor and Kim.  I'd kick Kyle off too but I enjoy her topless husband, so she can stay and cry.  Overall, the season has been entertaining and I know I will be so excited to see it back next season.  Air kisses Ladies!  See you soon.