This episode starts on the beach in Hawaii. Our lovey, dovey couple, Paul and Adrienne, are on a hike. They are too normal to discuss, so let's get to the crazy. Obviously, Bravo agrees and immediately cuts to Kim and The Troll arriving in Hawaii. To give the viewer a break, they cut to a topless Mauricio (thank you). Suddenly, there's a noise in the hall. Wait. Does this mean? No, it can't be. Kim is getting the room next to Kyle. Kyle is aflutter. On a side note, if someone is bringing drinks to you in your room, do you still just sit there with only a towel wrapped around you? I don't care how much those margaritas are, I'm not greeting wait staff in nothing but a towel. She continues to flit about the room in the said towel & waitress, pressing her ear to the wall and the like. The woman is looking at Kyle like she's just as crazy as she is.
Back to the action, The Troll actually speaks! Whoever could dream he would have such a weenie voice? Seriously Kim, what at all is appealing about this guy? I can't concentrate on what he says because I'm distracted by that face and his bitch-slapping, silver charm bracelet. Thank goodness, we cut to Rock Star Ken, fluffing his mullet in preparation for the night's activities. The Disco era top is unbuttoned to his naval once again and he's dressed for a dinner on the beach, meaning in all black of course. What other color do men wear on the beach? I know somewhere exists a 70's porn that he was in and I'll bet he looks exactly the same. Lisa is getting ready and purposely has her bra straps hanging out her dress. Um, why are we doing this? Don't tell me you can't afford the actual strapless bra required for such an outfit, yet you adjust your straps so they hang out. Really Lisa, Brandi had Trailer Chic covered, you stick to cocktail dresses for inappropriate locations as your trade mark.
The Hawaiian man calls everyone to the dinner table playing a conch shell. I become a little jealous at this point because I feel it's a skill my husband needs so I can feel complete. Moving on, Lisa starts rambling about liking Brandi because she's funny. Really? You like her? Why? To date, the only appealing thing I've found about her is that she is truly authentic, a characteristic I adore in people. It explains my many crazy friends in my personal life. Analyzing it now, I likely would be friends with her for that reason. For now, I'll still be confused by her erratic behavior and will pass judgement on her because it makes for better reading.
The biggest of the issue of the dinner, Kim is lying about why they missed the plane when they already discussed the reasons at the airport. "Ken only works once a week, and that was his day...". Kim, if you're going to lie, and we know you do in lucid-lacking answers, please make the effort to come up with something good. Why is everyone getting so wound up about this? Are you surprised? I'm not and I've only known y'all since the season began last year. You people have known each other way longer than that and you're astonished. You might also believe she never had that boob job either. The bottom line is that I love when everyone is tyring to explain to Kim why her lying is such a problem. Though they use small words and speak slowly, she still doesn't get it. Maybe she is my teenage son in drag? I get similar reactions from him.
Kyle shares the news of Taylor leaving her husband. Kim chimes in with the only insightful comment she will make all season, "that's because she wants to be invited to the next dinner". Sure, a little inappropriate, but stealthily accurate. They give it 2 weeks. They just don't know what we know. Just be happy for this poor woman. She is FINALLY cutting bait. Celebrate the fact that she grew a set.
Now they are waiting on the bus for Kim and Ken so they can go out on the catamaran all day. WHY ARE YOU WAITING? Seize the moment! Leave her now! No, they can't do that. It makes much sense for Kyle & Lisa to climb over the balcony into their balcony. I thought this was a completely ridiculous scene until Lisa gets her donkey booty caught between the two pillars. They continue to try to get her to emerge from the room. My favorite is that they both knock on the glass of the bedroom patio door, she sees and has some looks with Kyle. Not 2 minutes later, there's a knock at the front door of her hotel suite and she asks, "Who is it?" REALLY? Who in the hell do you think it is? They were just banging on your balcony door, you really have to ask? I hope for her sake she is on drugs. Many, many drugs. The kind that make Jeff Conway look like his addiction was child's play. Nothing else can explain this level of stupidity. Furthermore, why do these women put up with her? I will ice out people for far less because they are a waste of my time yet you people jump balconies for it.
Bueller? I didn't think so. Next, in his biggest weenie voice you hear, "oh. My contacts are hurting." Seriously Troll, you make me gag. I can't take your face and I certainly can't listen to that voice. Kim's argument in this Mensa debate is that she's a marlin fisherman so she knows the could have waited for her. In the words of Lisa, "NO! We've dicked around for a half an hour". Did you notice how classy that sounded in an English accent? They continue on with the Kim and Ken stupidity, but really, I'm so bored with it, I can't even bring myself to comment on it any longer.
Back to the boat and naked Brandi. From which children's department does she buy these bikinis and why? I get that you're skinny and you need attention, but frankly, I don't want to go to second base with you in every scene. I said it in the last blog, but it's worth noting again. When one is single and on a couples trip, that one wears clothes. It is not appropriate to prance around half naked in front of other women's husbands unless you are looking for dollar bills to be shoved in your bottoms.
Oh Tragic Taylor, back to you. She has finally, for real, left Russell. I'm trying to evoke sympathy for her situation but I am so tired of it. Move on, get half naked like Brandi and find ANYONE ELSE. Anyone! Well, not Troll Ken. The prize is taken. Her heart is breaking and I do feel sorry for her, however, I can't seem to help the fact that I'm so very distracted by Dana. Hi Dana! You own a million dollar necklace to hold a freaking lollipop, but you couldn't find the time to slap on some make-up for the cameras? Was the fact that you are on a reality show totally elude you? Dammit, back to Hawaii.
They are all meeting for dinner. Brandi has a shadow covering her va jay jay because her dress does not. I thought Paul might be looking good for a second, then the camera pans down. Cargo pants and white rapper tennis shoes. Now I know why Adrienne exhales so much. Kim prophesizes from on high while discussing being left at the dock, "We went back and we, everything happens for a reason." What? Are you just against subject/verb agreement? How do you even diagram that sentence? I can't listen to her anymore. She still doesn't care that she left anyone waiting. In the words of Bon Qui Qui, RUDE!
Now is my favorite moment of the show. Adrienne & Paul decide to blow some smoke up her butt, discussing her relationship. They try to compliment Ken and in his stuttering Rain Man voice he says, "I'm not a fan of it".
Everyone , "What?".
Troll, "of whatever's going on that I don't know." (yeah, I don't know either)
Paul, always the gentleman, "No, we were just talking about you".
Troll, "No, I know. I know who you are, I just don't know why."
Kim, as Helen Keller's teacher, "We were talking about how he got to know you and that....".
Troll, "No, for some reason I'm getting the vibe that's not what he was saying."
Confused, Paul asks "What? Do you have ESP or something?"
Troll, at Adrienne "OK, well you face didn't look like that."
Adrienne "Well, no".
Troll, "You had a face of like wow, I don't want to be around when he hears this or something".
Adrienne in confessional, "It was a little strange. He was being a little overbearing of Kim."
Troll, "I guess I misinterpreted it in my own head".
Um....WTF? What? Huh? Really? For shizzle? Come again? A little strange? You thought it was a little strange? Did I just accidentally hallucinate in the middle of this show. (Ed. note - No, I did not. I know this because I watched this scene 8 times to insure I caught every delicious word of this exchange.) Troll thinks he interpreted something for Adrienne's face? She is married to a PLASTIC SURGEON you idiot! Her face hasn't moved in at least a decade and you, using your best Jedi mind tricks, have figured out every last second of this dialogue. Ken, these are not the droids you are looking for, so take your crazy and get off the island, Freak. This man should be tagged and studied for sociological reasons.
It's Mauricio's birthday dinner. I'm trying to care, but my head is still spinning. Kyle is making a toast to her husband. I'm sure it's lovely but all I can think about is, why is she and her husband drinking white wine out of a red wine glass? I see the white wine glass in Camille's hand, I know they have them. It's fine that the husband doesn't know the difference, he only needs to have enough money to buy them for her, however, Kyle, you should know better. There are more ramblings from Kim about her "amazing lunch". Seriously, what was in that food that this one lunch in particular was so very "amazing", you can talk about nothing else? This episode needs to end. I can't take it anymore. STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH KIM! STOP!!!! Kim responds with a clever, "it's just like me talking about how you drive around with a cell phone in your ear". Kyle's response, "You've never driven in the car with me....It's like if I said you were a child molester." Does this show have subtitles? Is there a flow chart of logic some where that I can see? I too blame editing.
The argument ends with the weenie voice out of nowhere, "we don't care". Shoot me. This may be the worst episode ever. I can't say I don't care though, because I'm so ready for the next episode.
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