RHOBH - Night of 1,000 Surprises

The episode begins very tame with Kyle putting on some make-up in the bathroom discussing Taylor.  Yawn.  Lisa is getting her new restaurant SUR opened.  I'm sorry, did I fall asleep or did I just observe the awkward exchange of affection between her and her husband?  Wake up because here comes Kim and the knowledge that this episode will not end this way.  In 30 seconds she has given us an erratic excuse for getting a hotel room for the night that I never quite understood, admitted to being overwhelmed by packing for one night, and whipped a pocket size vibrator out her purse.  Thank you, Kim.  You deliver like Domino's.  She claims that she thought the dildo was a light-up lip gloss, but we weren't fooled.  Now Kim, do we all look as high as you?  Where in the world do you find lip gloss that big?  Is there a lip gloss supplier for orangutans that we should ever possibly believe you have had a 6 inch lip gloss?  Also, where outside of Justice for Girls would one find a lip gloss that lights up?  I can't mentally handle the fact that she is this dumb and has money.

She then begins to fire off requests to the Troll.  "ken can you charge my phone?  Ken can you get me 7-up?"  Ken, can you get a face transplant?  Oh wait, that's my request.  Ken obediently brings her a brink with no ice.  Unacceptable (I understand this perfectly).  However, this sets her off on a tirade of complaints about Ken.  He doesn't know she like ice.  He doesn't get her the correct Starbucks.  He doesn't order pepperoni pizza.  Whine....  Listen Honey, I've been married for almost 17 years and my husband has no idea what kid of pizza I eat.  Welcome to the lucid world!  Men as a species do not pay attention to these things that's why God made diamonds.

Tonight is the big SUR launch party and Lisa's big night.  Of course she chose a light pink satin cocktail dress with a little lace trim.  I can't get over how ugly this dress is when Brandi shows up hardly wearing hers and makes me forget Lisa's bridesmaid dress.  The top is so small even the sides of her boobs are hanging out of this thing.  I guess we're officially dating now since I've seen all of Brandi's body parts now.  Literally, this dress cuts her boob horizontally in half.  I did like her shoes though and it looks like she's back to wearing heels.  Then she begins to flirt with Hair Mullet Ken.  Please cut to someone else.

The Maloofs arrive but the biggest surprise of all is that Bernie, Adrienne's chef, shows up to the party.  Even better, Lisa has no idea who he is, likely because he is not dripping with disdain.  Lisa, he's the guy that has voo doo dolls of you all over his house.

SHAZAM!  I didn't even see this coming!  One of the waitresses at SUR, Scheana Marie, dated Brandi's husband while she was still married to him and pregnant with his child.  Now you know, when you give your daughter a name like Scheana Marie, she's going to be a slut so I totally believe Brandi on this one.  No wonder this episode started so slow.  Scheana goes up to Lisa and says "I have a slight personal problem with Brandi.  I kind of used to date her husband."  Yes Skank, but it was while he was STILL her husband.  Fingers crossed that Lisa forces her to wait on Brandi all night.  This is unrelated to these comments, but when did Celebrity Rehab Jen turn into Ursula from the Little Mermaid?  Yes, go back and watch the show.  You'll see what I mean.  Anyway, back to Scheana  (whose name makes me sing Funky Cold Medina in my head), Lisa sends her home because her being there makes a guest uncomfortable.  OK Lisa, you are a total rock star in my world!

Camille arrives wearing the rest of Brandi's dress on her sleeve and an entourage of five.  Kyle arrives in a black strapless dress with feathers on the skirt.  I think I might have to steal it when I find myself in her closet.  Kyle is telling Lisa how she hasn't spoken to Kim since the trip. You know what's coming. They quickly cut over to Kim.  There seems to be trouble in paradise.  Is Ken not the winner he appears to be?  What the hell kind of hotel are they staying in?  The hallways have black paint on the walls and not in a neat-o, chic sort of way.  More in a bring quarters for the vibrating bed kind of way.  And what's up with the body bag sized suitcase?  It's one night in a hotel in the town you live in currently.  Perhaps if you had left the mini-dildo at home you wouldn't require such luggage.  Just saying...  Ken is really anxious to get to the party.  I have no idea why.  No one will be excited to see him.  These two make me want to experiment with drugs.

The party is kicking and the guests are chatting.  Everything looks lovely.  We see RuPaul who says, "You're born naked and the rest is drag."  Indeed, RuPaul, indeed.  That's how it rolls at my house anyway, Ru.  Then, like a left hook outside a biker bar, out of freaking nowhere, Cedric walks into the party.  Dude, do you have gigantic solid gold rhinoceros testicles?  WTF are you doing there?  It's as if Nick Saban had risen from his weekly visit to the underworld to exchange souls for football players and suddenly found himself at the SUR opening. He's there 2 minutes tops and Lisa throws him out too.  Seriously, I need some Superhero Lisa underoos.

Much in the spirit of Debbie Downer here is Taylor Tranquilizer, who sounds like she is wearing a cat bell as she goes to answer the door.  She looks like she's going to the party and her date is her psychiatrist.  This is a relationship kissed by the angels.  In fact, she should only date psychological professionals.  I've never in my life seen anyone who requires so much validation.  Wait, I just thought of a few other people so she can just be in that club.  Speaking of those who need psychological intervention, here comes Kim in the limo.  She's digging around everything in the limo like one of my kids and she's in her 50's.  She even uttered the phrase, "Oh, I love the buttons".  Please be high.  PLEASE be high, you complete and total nut job.  She proceeds to clean out the car looking for more buttons. It appears this Virgo is late again.  I guess taking off your bra in the car affects your time management.  She thinks her anxiety slows her down.  I think it's the weight of her crazy that does.
Kim arrives, discombobulated, but she's there.  She is discussing the vibrator with a friend and plans to use it in the bathroom.  I love how everyone tells Kim hello in the same voice one would use to coax a knife out of a toddler's hand.  Kyle walks over to welcome her sister and assess her mood, but hen is brought to tears.  Pull it together , Sister.  Surely the fact that your sister is crazy is not new news to you.  She's greets Adrienne, then immediately tells her she's moving out.  She states that her balance is off and that she hasn't slept that great.  Um, no shit.  It's the drugs, not lack of sleep.  Kim then drags Adrienne to the bathroom and just starts dumping her Troll problems on her.  He's too this, he's too that.  What do you mean, Kim?  This winner isn't Prince Charming?  He's not there to take you away on his white horse?  I mean, it's not like EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER MET didn't warn you about this or anything.  She's "been alone too long", tears... Maybe it's the puffy, light pink leopard shirt in your confessional that keeps the men at bay, OR perhaps the crazy.  Just something to consider.  I won't judge.

OK, I may have been too harsh on Brandi.  Did she just call Troll a gay Bull Mastiff TO HIS FACE??  I'm so glad I'm dating her now because I'm going to need a poster of that scene.  That may have been the best moment all season and it was just a transition scene.

Kyle and Kim sit down for a little chat.  Kyle is crying like she does in every episode.  Kim's talking about how controlling and mean Ken is.  Kyle says she can see she's been depressed.  Then Kim says she's still mad at her about the Hawaii stuff.  Now they are both crying.  When does this ride end?  This crying conversation has taken place in every episode.  But then, wait, Kim says there's something else.  What can it be?  Kim's late.  Not Virgo late, period late.  3 months.  She's going to have a baby, but she really doesn't want one.  She'd like a puppy....or a kitty.  OK Kin.  You're at least 50.  I'm going to go with maybe it's the menopause fairy knocking at your door and not the stork.  Why?  Because God is not that unfair in life to make you two parents to some poor, unsuspecting infant.  Having said that, do you know what adults do when they think they are preggers?  THEY TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST, not share lip gloss with their sister.  I can't think about this scene for another half second.

Taylor gets there with her make-up covered bruised eye.  The shrink organizes a chitty-chat with all the women in the middle of the party so they can all discuss what has happened.  Taylor goes through this sobbing explanation and apology.  It's so fantastic that all these women have a background in psychology and counseling so they can explain her behavior to each other.  In a nutshell, Taylor and The Creeper have been fighting, he hit her and then she finally left.  Thank God Taylor!  We are so happy for you; however, if I'm at a fancy party this is not what I would want to be doing.  I did admire Camille for saying, you know what, you can't do what you did to me, but I understand and accept your apology.  Aw Camille, I love you so much more this season.  So everyone cries and we're done.  Let's go get high Kim out the bathroom.

Next week is the Season Finale.  What?  So soon?  I'm so depressed, but looking forward to Pandora's wedding!