RHOBH - Reunion Part 1

The reunion begins will the usual array of "Hello Andy" and everyone seems committed to their best behavior, but he tells us that Kim Richards will not be joining us tonight because she has checked herself into rehab.  What?  Fo shizzle?  I can't begin to imagine why.  She is always so together.  Nonetheless, I shall miss her stammering.  He asks Kyle how Kim is doing and she says really well.  Of course, she's doing well.  They have finally caged her.  When asked why she is there, Kyle didn't feel it was appropriate to answer.  Now Andy, I don't mean to be The Master of the Obvious, but really?  Have you watched any episodes this season that you need to ask.  A better question may have been, should I send my Hanukkah cards to her there next December?  Will she still be there then when they have so much work to do on her?

Before we get into anything else, who did the lighting for this?  There is a purple light shining on the top of everyone's head.  Are we still worried about filming Paul's fart sequence or do you think someone can take a look at this?  I hope it's fixed for the next round.

Why is Lisa wearing the exact same dress she wore to the SUR opening tonight?  I know it's not pink, but I swear, it's the exact same dress.  Is she taking a sewing class?  It looks like a Home Ec project in fancy fabric.  Why do you like dinky lace so much?

Are we STILL discussing the washing of the chicken with hand soap?  I have done this.  I wash lots of things with soap before I cook it, especially if I think it's cleanliness has been compromised.  I would rather eat hand soap remnants than ass remnants because someone did not wash their hands.  It's not near interesting enough to be discussed any further so stop it.  In the immortal words of Taylor, "Enough.  ENOUGH!".

Now we're on to Lisa's ba-donka-donk.  This is a much better topic, but alas, back to the wedding questions.  Was it a million dollar wedding or not?  No.  Why the tiara?  Pandy wanted it.  Was everyone surprised when they say Lisa come out with it on?  Tension in the air...Ooooo....where did this come from?  Adrienne says, "Once a princess, always a princess".  Hmm.... maybe we're getting somewhere.

Now that the nice is over, let's get to the tension.  Lisa vs Adrienne.  When did this start?  "Lisa called my dog "Crack pot on Twitter".  Adrienne is really, for real offended.  Really?  REALLY???  Swimming in your money all day isn't enough that you take offense to your dog Jackpot being call Crackpot?  I am so very envious of your free time.  If you call my kid a name, I might take you out back and put a little Oklahoma on your ass, but if you call my dog a name, mmmm...not so much.  That is because I have what is known as "Real life problems".  I realize you have the option to be petty here.  Must be nice.  My favorite offense of them all, that Lisa didn't take Adrienne up on the free weekend at the Palms.  She instead took the free weekend at the Hard Rock Casino.  If only my friends would stab me in the back like this, I could maybe get 2 free weekends in Vegas.  Instead, living my real life, I can't afford to go to Vegas.  How do you ever manage?  Now we are offended by Lisa calling her shoe line the Maloof Hoof and Camille totally understands why one would take such offense to that.  I tell you what, ladies, why don't you come spend a week in my shoes?  My best friends call me Bitch to my face at least 5 times a day, however, I love these people more than some of my family.  What kind of conditional friendships do you people have?

I did not get the memo that this was the "Pick on Lisa" reunion episode.  What are these people talking about?  Lisa said Kyle keeps doing splits because she needs the attention.  OK, ouch, but true. Let's call a spade a spade.  Kyle retaliates by saying "Lisa preys on weak people" and "that was to retaliate but wasn't about you", she was talking to Taylor.  Um...I think I need Kim Richards to translate these friendships for me.  Taylor tries to make a point but I'm distracted by her duck lips which, if at all possible, look even bigger.  Lisa apologizes, but that's not good enough.  Kyle thinks every move she makes is calculated.  Andy asks, "Are saying she's manipulative?"  Kyle, "See, she makes me nervous."  Oh, now I see how you are related to Kim and thank you for taking over as the rambler.  Mmm Hmmm.  that's crazy right there and I can't follow Kyle's argument with a map for Kyle argument.  Not one member of the Richards family must have ever taken Intro to Logic in college, but it should be required before they are allowed amongst the public.  Kyle continues to defend her actions by saying "When everyone said I was being so mean spirited on game night....".  Lisa said, "you were mean spirited".  Kyle's response, "See." 

OMG!  You were a total bitch and I don't know what got into you.  However, I did laugh when you started pointing her face and yelling at her to stop."  I would then laugh and we might make fun of someone else's outfit nearby.  Notice, I do not put out a repeat offense on my friend.  She is allowed to call me out on some things because she is my friend.  You seek revenge on people who are not your friends.

Oh Taylor, poor, poor Taylor, I have grown so weary of thee.  She is getting through the tragedy and her top lip has gotten ever bigger.  I swear the top of her lip practically ends at the bottom on her nose.  Stop with the lip injections!  Your doctor is lying to you!  He is trying to cover his kids' tuition money or his wife's shopping habit.  She continues to discuss Russell and the abuse.  Why are you interviewing this basket case?  She was abused then her husband killed himself.  Can we change the topic?  No?  Well that's OK because we FINALLY see a little bit of vicious Camille.  Hello Camille, where have you been? Part of me loves that she isn't taking a crap from Taylor even though I realize she is playing the role of victim at this reunion.  I know, we all feel sorry for her, but I am very tired of her sudden ability to psycho analyze herself in every situation.  Psycho analyze this Taylor, why are you so desperate to fit in with people who are not playing in your league?  Friends in your neighborhood aren't good enough for you or your $60,000 kids birthday parties?  Go find your peeps and you might be a tad happier with yourself.  You can't keep up with these women.

New development, Adrienne and Camille think Taylor knew about the e-mail before he sent it to Camille.  They all rationalize her behavior so why do they even bring it up?  They all continue to discuss things and I keep thinking that I'm the only person in the world who can see that Taylor is actually a Muppet.  Really.  That mouth goes from ear to ear and I have an overwhelming urge to call her Janice. 

On to much more important issues of our time, Bernie the cook versus Lisa.  Seriously, everyone is bashing this woman.  There is a mindless discussion about this.  Sorry, I'm on Team Lisa for this round.  The chef bashes, and I mean really bashes your friend on national television and you don't have a problem with it, but the phrase Maloof Hoof barely mentioned sends you over the edge.  There is something we are not discussing on this reunion show and it is reminiscent of a huge white elephant.  There is some new dirt, Adrienne is grilling Lisa about selling a story to Radar online.  Hold on now.  I don't know any of the details and have never heard of this website, but let me go with just one obvious fact.  Does Lisa need money?  Do you REALLY think she is going to spend the time to sell a story to get less money than she spent on her Valentino outfit?  Adrienne, you live across the street so I'm guessing you might be on the same playing field as she. Do you need the money earned from selling a story?  $25,000?  Really?  Adrienne spews,"That's what friends of yours say and that's what the journalist said who came to me asking for me to sell a story to him."  OMG!  You people cannot be this dumb!!!  You really think a journalist who writes for whatever website is more ethical than your friend?  You MUST be a Democrat because I think what has been proven time and again is that gossip columnist may not be the most forthright people in the world.  Lisa says, "That is such a f**king insult to say that to a friend and I'm so offended by that....".  Agreed, Lisa, agreed.  I'm offended for you.

Let's change the subject, here's Brandi. They start with her 2 minute marriage and asked what her ex-husband thinks.  Her reply, "I don't really think about him in my thoughts."  As opposed to the other ways you think of people.  She comes out guns slinging and thank God because we need to dial down the mean a bit.  I can't wait to see what she brings on Part 2.  From the previews, it looks like they are starting with her for the next round.