We're back at the party and they re-cap everyone's arrival. I swear if I see the clip of the oysters one more time, I'll scream. Get another food clip! Anyway, they get right back on the Peggy and Jim issue. Seriously, how long ago was this? Both of you are allegedly happily married with children, why do you care? I can't possibly imagine caring if I found out one of my friends used to date my husband. Why? Because I have real problems and that date would have been 100 years ago. Move on. To make nice, Peggy and Alexis are talking about the pins in Peggy's daughter's arm from when it broke and Alexis says she has a rod in her leg. Peggy them walks right into it by saying "How can I have know you for 4 years and not known that you had a rod in your leg?" Alexis replies, "I don't know, there's a lot we didn't know about each other in 4 years..." I must note this because it will likely be the only zinger Alexis will get in all season. And Peggy, what were you doing opening yourself up like that? I'm sure there will be more but they are busy meeting and greeting each other.
Back to the oysters.... Gretchen and Tamra were bonding over the oysters by announcing in loud voices that they were bonding over oysters. Vick is wondering what's going on with them. Aren't we all, Vicki. I still don't think I like it. Cut over to Gretchen's friend babbling on about her "engagement". Now this is like the 4th time they have shown her and I'm totally sick of her. Real Housewives need better friends before they get contracts for the show. Anyway, she said it was very informal like a "Hey. Do you want to get married?" She feels he needs to get down on one knee and propose for real. Heather chimes in with a "No, he needs to buy a ring. Let me tell you something, until a man makes a monetary commitment... I'm sorry, he needs the ring." Indeed. She just became my favorite Housewife of all time! She then tells the story of her engagement. It was pretty lame, on the plane to Paris and he just sort of blurted in out. Get in line, Honey! I was proposed to over a Subway sandwich. Don't go down that path with me. I have yet to hear of a worse engagement than mine. "It wasn't romantic...there were magazines..." Um...did you not just read me saying Subway sandwich? Quit your bitching, plane to Paris.
They sit down for dinner and Tamra is wondering why Vicki is so far away from her. Vicki responds with you went to sit by Gretchen. OOooooooo...... I swear I was immediately transported back to elementary school with that statement because Tamra's in trouble! Cut to the confessional, Tamra's like "I'm a little bit afraid of her". As well you should be because she will cut you. She is having a Cajun themed meal because she's been dating a guy from Mississippi and this is his cuisine. Um hold it right there Home Girl, did you just say that MISSISSIPPI is where you get Cajun cuisine? Now I'm going to cut you. If you want to sample Cajun cuisine, I will tell you which restaurants to go to in LOUISIANA because I assure you, Mississippi is not where it is. Sure enough, I'm proved correct. They bring out the gumbo and there are Fritos in it because nothing says Cajun like some corn chips in your gumbo. Chef, can you name one woman in all of Orange County that eats carbs that would possess you to do that? Heather is mentioning that she is an actress, the most unseen actress of all time and all of a sudden Tamra calls out Gretchen for having her lips done. Wait, let me correct myself, Tamra shouts across the table as though she won bingo that Gretchen got her lips done. Gretchen denies it. What a bizarre exchange. Who does that? Talk about her BEHIND her back, that's how it's done. Watch the show, you'll catch on.
Time for the next course and they are putting on lobster bibs and plastic gloves. They are serving boiled crawfish not performing a dental procedure. The server brings out the crawfish, served in plastic bags. Well, this must be a Mississippi thing because I've never seen this in my life. Most of the women shrieked, carried on and refused to eat it. Their biggest issue, because it was served in a trash bag. It was not. Alexis wouldn't eat them because she could see the eyes, tentacles, legs, and poo-poosies. She eats shrimp, but isn't willing to try this. Good Lord, Alexis. How do you make it through the day with the palate and reasoning skills of a four year old? Vicki is right. No one should be complaining to the hostess about what is served. Let me call Atlanta and get Marlo on the phone just to make sure I'm correct in today's etiquette lesson. After a few minutes, Vicki shouts out that it's getting late and everyone has to leave. It seems everyone on this show needs Marlo's help. For such a fancy place, the OC women are looking a little Jersey. Quick, get Vicki a table!
The party is winding down, you know, because Vicki yelled at everyone to leave. Peggy is upset at how Alexis is treating her. (Why do you care?) Tamra convinces her to go run out and catch Alexis to go talk to her. Thank you for the input, Worst Ideas Committee. She goes because I'm not there to talk sense into her. Peggy asks Alexis if she can talk. Of course Alexis can't. She has to get home to King Jim and set his alarm. Maybe there are some sippy cups that need filling. The list goes on and on. Peggy said she wants to clear the air, Alexis says let's have lunch tomorrow, Peggy just reiterates her feelings, then Alexis shows her colossal bitch side. "You've had five months to talk to me" blah, blah, blah "there's nothing to discuss" whiney blah, blah, blah... That's it. Here's my official stance on the situation, I want Alexis off the show. Go find your friend Taylor Armstrong and the two of you can sit together, psychoanalyze people and then whine about how everyone treats you. I cannot take her anymore. Go elsewhere and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide because I am sick of you. Peggy, please give up. She is not worth it. Peggy goes back inside to Jim bash with the other girls. See...way more interesting.
Let's look deeper into Heather's fantastic life. We begin in her closet which is bigger than my den. There are four people hanging out in this closet and there is room to swing the kids. She is getting the baby dressed in this shanty of a room. I mean, she has her on the changing table and the clothes are in the drawer underneath. Honey, I dont know how you do it either with that fourth unplanned child. Her husband agrees, :See that's why we need to move and buy a bigger house". Well, let's look around this house and see what's going on. This house took 6 years to build, I can drive a car into the kitchen and the dining room. They built a large entreway so they could have parties there, or perhaps land a plane. There's a gigantic playroom and a seperate movie theatre in the house, complete with star lit sky and red curtains covering the screen. THere's an elevator and she lives in a location known as billionaire's row. Where did I go wrong that this is not my life? I can't believe people even live like this. I want to hate her, but I can't. She's great, the husband's great, the kids are cute. Ick...
We learn that Tamra and Vicki are taking a trip with their guys to Catalina for the weekend. Vicki calls the boyfriend to tell him what to pack for the trip. Please stop Vicki, it's for your own good. Just let hom bring whatever he brings. Let it go. Then we cut to Gretchen and Slade. Why does Slade make me want to peel my skin off in layers? He walks in the house and I'm totally creeped out. The kiss sequence makes me want to dip my lips in acid. Gretchen thinks things are really going well with Slade. Why do you want them going well? He has no money and is wicked creepy. Do you secretly hate yourself? He does wait on her well, but I can't take him seriously because he's wearing a vest. Are straight men, aside from Bel-Biv-Devoe wearing vests these days because I didn't get that memo? I'm trying to pay attention to Gretchen's version of the Alexis/Peggy situation, but I'm distracted by the vest and her look in the confessional. Did you notice the necklace she is wearing has like one marble that hangs in her cleavage?
Speaking of people that make me want to hurt myself, we're back to Alexis. How do you take yourself seriously? She is in her kitchen getting her hair and make-up done. Who does that? If it were Atlanta, they would have a seperate room just for that. In Beverly Hills, they are always in the bathroom, but no one is in the kitchen. Ew...I guess Jim was sleeping and the King couldn't be disturbed.
Tamra and Vicki are leaving for the trip to Catalina. They are in the limo going to pick up Eddie when Brooks gives Vicki a card which she reads out loud. This may be the weirdest exchang eon TV ever. First, I am anti-card. I don't understand them and think they are a waste of money unless they are needed to gift someone cash or a gift card. Otherwise, they are also typically mailed to someone. Finally, why are reading it out loud? How much validation do you need? Evidentally, it's DAILY. Every day this man gives her something to affirm his love for her. I'm not sure anyone could be more high maintenance. Then we learn that Vicki buys everything he wears. Dude, have your testicles desended? I do not know any Southern boys that act like this. By the third card I got for the third day in a row, he would have to go.
Thanksfully, we pull up to pick up Eddie so I no longer have to be subjected to those two. Eddie gets in the car and kisses Vicki on the lips. Hold on, back it up, on the lips? No. That is not appropriate and trust me, my good girlfriends and I have blurred the lines of appropriate behavior with spouses/boyfriends. Not happening, unless one of my friends dates Ryan Reynolds. Then full on making out and having sex in front of my friend becomes completely acceptable. Cut to Tamra's confessional where she shares that their honeymoon phase is over and they do more in front of each other. Like he farts now and farts a whole lot. Why do men find this to be a charming level of comfort? Maybe those stupid cards aren't so bad after all. Then Tamra notices Eddie has a long nose hair and WHIPS OUT THE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER FROM HER PURSE TO TRIM THEM! DId someone just Roofie me or did I really see that?
Back to Gretchen who is doing some naked photo shoot. I'd pay attention to what it's for but this is the first time we see her with no make-up on. Is she a man? I have never seen such a difference between someone with or without make-up in my entire life. Gretchen, never ever EVER go out in public without it ever again. Maybe I should buy some of her make-up if it makes that much of a difference. There is more interaction between her and Slade. I'm not certain she could be any more condescending to him. Slade, I know you make me want to do violent things, but really, no one should put up with that. These two must seriously be the best people in bed of all time because I can't figure out why either one is with either one. Gretchen proclaims to be quite the catch because "I'm the total package. I'm loyal, I'm hot, I'm good in abed...". I'm conceited, I look like a man, ugh STOP!
Back to Tamra and Vicki. They are boarding the boat to get to their spot. Vicki boards with her usual Woo Hoo shout out which is why we would so get along. They are sitting down at a table and Vicki wants Eddie to sit next to her. As a group, they decide better of it. Good thing because although Vicki claims she doesn't like to be touched in person, she sure as hell has no problem pawing all over her friend's boyfriend. Vicki then declares she is going to be "celibate" with him. Quick cut to a Tamra confessional where she explains celibate to us, using her fingers for a better charades like definition. Then further clarifies that maybe she means monogomous since she knows they are doing it. They decide the only next logical step is to proceed with tequila shots. I mean, I completely uderstand this thought process. They get through those, bust out the champagene, make some toasts and everything seems to be going well. Good times! Then Vicki and Eddie are holding hands, rubbing each others hands on thei face, kissing hands, and all of this is fine. I agree. Then Tamra grabs Brooks hand and puts it on her completely clothed and bra harnessed boob declaring she went there. Suddenly, there's a problem. Complete change of atmosphere. Here is what I don't understand, all the other shenanigans were toally fine, but this 1/2 second exchange crosses a line? Seriously? Eddie is totally pissed. Eddie, you could not hang with my friends and me. I'm certain that all of my best friend's spouses have touched my clothed breast in front of them and my husband and we somehow all get that it's a joke. In fact, I may have even posed for photos doing just that. GET OVER IT! I can assure you of what men I would NEVER hook up with ever and it is that same group of people. Why? Girl code. First thing in the category of never gonna happen. They continue to fight for the rest of the episode. Sorry dude, no one can be help responsible for anything that happens following tequila. Not eve you, Nose Hair. What a bummer way to end a show!
It looks like this conversation is going to continue for the next episode, God help us. Better yet, it looks like there is some dirt on Brooks. Ooooo....stay tuned!
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