RHOBH - Pandora's Wedding

Aw... the finale.  I'm so sad to see the season end, but hallelujah, there will be the reunion.  We start with Lisa, the day before her daughter's wedding.  Personally, I can't wait to see this event.  The reception is taking place in a tent on the tennis court.  What?  Like you don't have one in the backyard.  Suddenly, quick cut to Paul's colonoscopy and a enema.  Well done, editors, well done.  Paul is having a few procedures done and is looking for some help and sympathy from Adrienne.  He needs some help with an enema.  Dude, who do you think you married?  That is what middle class wives do.  Your wife can buy you a nursing staff to deal with you so get your help from them.  She's out.  Come to think of it., that may go beyond my middle class wifely duties as well, so good luck to my husband too.

Back to Lisa and the wedding.  Ken pops home from work to check to see how things are going.  They are working on flowers and prepping the wine bottles with personalized labels.  As she is discussing everything going on for the day with Ken, I can't help but notice the two nipples sitting on top of her head.  Yes, go ahead.  Watch it again before the reunion.  You'll see the boobies on the painting behind her head.  It's moments like this that I live for, sad but true.  Still, I watch in disbelief that she is doing the flowers for her foyer.  If I'm paying a million dollars for a wedding, I'm not doing ANYTHING. 

The editing geniuses at Bravo have decided to televise Paul's colonoscopy.  Really?  We couldn't skip that?  Then we film him farting?  The doctor, with all of his free time, had time to hang out and observe the farting?  Keep in mind, I enjoy farting just as much as the next guy, I just find it hard to believe they don't have anything more interesting going on in their lives.  Where's Kim?
It's the day of the wedding and the cake is here!  All $9,500 of it.  That didn't include the pink roses for it.  Why can't I sell stuff to these people?  The wedding planner is missing.  This is unacceptable.  How much money is this guy making?  I guess that's what you get when you hire a man that can only "she she she darling".  I would comment more on the wedding preparations, but I can feel their stress.  I'm getting stressed out just watching it.

On to Kyle, let's see what she is wearing to the wedding.  She has several beautiful dress to choose from.  She tells her husband they are leaving to pick up Adrienne at 6:30 today.  Mauricio asks, "Is this black tie?  I was thinking about wearing my navy Dolce suit".  Are you my husband?  This is a stunt he would pull.  Maybe it's something all men do.  Why do you think about what you are going to wear the day of the big event?  Why?  Just to piss us off?  Besides, one can't typically whip together a black tie outfit in a few hours.  Kyle tells him of course he cannot wear a navy blue suit to a black tie function.  First Franc, now this.  How many Father of The Bride references do we need?  Besides, he has like 40 suits hanging in the closet.  I'm certain something is black.

Boring Camille needs something to wear to the wedding.  She has a rack of gowns.  Yes, that's what I said, A RACK OF GOWNS.  It looks like the inside of a bridal boutique.  We have all underestimated Camille.  I know she is on her best behavior this season (please bring Allison Dubois to the wedding.  Please, please, please), but she is, by far, the most considerate.  She will not be wearing pink to the wedding because she knows that is Lisa's color and she's wearing that.  Aw...Camille...you are so sweet! (So really, no Allison?)  It's a good decision on Camille's part too.  I'm guessing this wedding will be where pink comes to die.  I'm certain even the TP will be pink.  What is up with this closet?  It's the size of my den!  Why isn't Kelsey my first husband?  You can park a car in there.  The big reveal, she is dating someone.  A man named Dimitri.  I'm guessing he's better looking than Troll, but we'll see.

Here come Franc, 5 hours before the  wedding.  I swear I would dock his pay or at the very least smash his stupid glasses.  He exchanges some words with Lisa, then offers to get her a martini.  That's one pricey bar tender.  The wedding preparations continue and on to the most important issue of the day.  What will Giggy wear?  Everyone is getting dressed and I have to say, Pandora is the most collected bride I have ever seen.  Giggy is dressed, phew, crisis averted.  Let's get on with the show!  Pandora comes down the stairs dressed for her big day and my God, she looks absolutely beautiful. 
The rest of the gang, Kyle, Camille and Adrienne are hanging out at Adrienne's house before the wedding. Paul has straightened his hair (exhale loudly, oh Paul.  I'm having an Adrienne moment, why?)  Camille is talking about becoming Jewish.  Mauricio wore that damn navy suit (exhale loudly, oh Mauricio).  Everyone leaves to go to the wedding.  All I can think is where is Kim?  Did she go to rehab?

The wedding begins and I must say, this wedding is gorgeous.  I don't think I've seen a better one on TV because Lord knows, I don't get invited to weddings like this (sorry friends, mine sucked too).  Jason looks like a model posed a the groom.  Seriously, if you play Mystery Date, this is the guy you want behind that door.  Here comes the bride, and really it's beautiful, but...Pandy

It's 3 weeks later and Glenn is back at Kyle's house.  Kim's not coming...SHOCKING.  Hopefully, she's in a straight jacket somewhere.  Lisa brought photos from the wedding.  Everyone is on their best behavior.  FYI - this is not why I watch this show.  You people had better step it up for the Reunion or go pick up Teresa in New Jersey before you film it.

The usual end of show recaps:  Taylor is trying to keep it together after Russell's death.  She is facing financial and legals issues, but has time to publish her memoirs.  What memoirs?  Memoirs of a Weepy Duck- lipped girl?  I'm not buying it. Next.  Camille is hot and heavy with her new guy.  Really?  That's all there is to say?  Afraid to open your mouth because a skeleton might fall out?  Nonetheless, I'm glad she's happy because Kelsey is an ass.  Lisa and Ken downsized to a 10,000 square foot home then added 2,000 more.  Well, I just hope their old house is still on the market so I have some place to move to next week.  Adrienne is celebrating her successful shoe line and getting new neighbors across the street.  Yo Adrienne, it's gonna be me so get ready for The Black Family.  I can't wait for my daughters to color something in your house with markers.  Kim's update is my favorite.  She is not pregnant (duh) and she has checked herself into a drug and alcohol rehab program in December.  Please tell me she'll be on the next season of Celebrity Rehab.  Kyle has written an advice book for women (not buying this one either) and it includes a chapter on "Sisterly Love".  I'll just assume it's book for sorority girls because I don't think real sisters act the way you two do.  When Paris and Nikki are a better benchmark for behavior you should read a book of self-reflection, not give advice to others. 

I have to say, this season started with a bang and ended with a big snooze.  The Reunion episodes had better step up the game.  I mean really, go sleep with someone's husband if you have to, but you better bring something else to this show before we are forced to Real Housewives of Miami your ass.

RHOBH - Night of 1,000 Surprises

The episode begins very tame with Kyle putting on some make-up in the bathroom discussing Taylor.  Yawn.  Lisa is getting her new restaurant SUR opened.  I'm sorry, did I fall asleep or did I just observe the awkward exchange of affection between her and her husband?  Wake up because here comes Kim and the knowledge that this episode will not end this way.  In 30 seconds she has given us an erratic excuse for getting a hotel room for the night that I never quite understood, admitted to being overwhelmed by packing for one night, and whipped a pocket size vibrator out her purse.  Thank you, Kim.  You deliver like Domino's.  She claims that she thought the dildo was a light-up lip gloss, but we weren't fooled.  Now Kim, do we all look as high as you?  Where in the world do you find lip gloss that big?  Is there a lip gloss supplier for orangutans that we should ever possibly believe you have had a 6 inch lip gloss?  Also, where outside of Justice for Girls would one find a lip gloss that lights up?  I can't mentally handle the fact that she is this dumb and has money.

She then begins to fire off requests to the Troll.  "ken can you charge my phone?  Ken can you get me 7-up?"  Ken, can you get a face transplant?  Oh wait, that's my request.  Ken obediently brings her a brink with no ice.  Unacceptable (I understand this perfectly).  However, this sets her off on a tirade of complaints about Ken.  He doesn't know she like ice.  He doesn't get her the correct Starbucks.  He doesn't order pepperoni pizza.  Whine....  Listen Honey, I've been married for almost 17 years and my husband has no idea what kid of pizza I eat.  Welcome to the lucid world!  Men as a species do not pay attention to these things that's why God made diamonds.

Tonight is the big SUR launch party and Lisa's big night.  Of course she chose a light pink satin cocktail dress with a little lace trim.  I can't get over how ugly this dress is when Brandi shows up hardly wearing hers and makes me forget Lisa's bridesmaid dress.  The top is so small even the sides of her boobs are hanging out of this thing.  I guess we're officially dating now since I've seen all of Brandi's body parts now.  Literally, this dress cuts her boob horizontally in half.  I did like her shoes though and it looks like she's back to wearing heels.  Then she begins to flirt with Hair Mullet Ken.  Please cut to someone else.

The Maloofs arrive but the biggest surprise of all is that Bernie, Adrienne's chef, shows up to the party.  Even better, Lisa has no idea who he is, likely because he is not dripping with disdain.  Lisa, he's the guy that has voo doo dolls of you all over his house.

SHAZAM!  I didn't even see this coming!  One of the waitresses at SUR, Scheana Marie, dated Brandi's husband while she was still married to him and pregnant with his child.  Now you know, when you give your daughter a name like Scheana Marie, she's going to be a slut so I totally believe Brandi on this one.  No wonder this episode started so slow.  Scheana goes up to Lisa and says "I have a slight personal problem with Brandi.  I kind of used to date her husband."  Yes Skank, but it was while he was STILL her husband.  Fingers crossed that Lisa forces her to wait on Brandi all night.  This is unrelated to these comments, but when did Celebrity Rehab Jen turn into Ursula from the Little Mermaid?  Yes, go back and watch the show.  You'll see what I mean.  Anyway, back to Scheana  (whose name makes me sing Funky Cold Medina in my head), Lisa sends her home because her being there makes a guest uncomfortable.  OK Lisa, you are a total rock star in my world!

Camille arrives wearing the rest of Brandi's dress on her sleeve and an entourage of five.  Kyle arrives in a black strapless dress with feathers on the skirt.  I think I might have to steal it when I find myself in her closet.  Kyle is telling Lisa how she hasn't spoken to Kim since the trip. You know what's coming. They quickly cut over to Kim.  There seems to be trouble in paradise.  Is Ken not the winner he appears to be?  What the hell kind of hotel are they staying in?  The hallways have black paint on the walls and not in a neat-o, chic sort of way.  More in a bring quarters for the vibrating bed kind of way.  And what's up with the body bag sized suitcase?  It's one night in a hotel in the town you live in currently.  Perhaps if you had left the mini-dildo at home you wouldn't require such luggage.  Just saying...  Ken is really anxious to get to the party.  I have no idea why.  No one will be excited to see him.  These two make me want to experiment with drugs.

The party is kicking and the guests are chatting.  Everything looks lovely.  We see RuPaul who says, "You're born naked and the rest is drag."  Indeed, RuPaul, indeed.  That's how it rolls at my house anyway, Ru.  Then, like a left hook outside a biker bar, out of freaking nowhere, Cedric walks into the party.  Dude, do you have gigantic solid gold rhinoceros testicles?  WTF are you doing there?  It's as if Nick Saban had risen from his weekly visit to the underworld to exchange souls for football players and suddenly found himself at the SUR opening. He's there 2 minutes tops and Lisa throws him out too.  Seriously, I need some Superhero Lisa underoos.

Much in the spirit of Debbie Downer here is Taylor Tranquilizer, who sounds like she is wearing a cat bell as she goes to answer the door.  She looks like she's going to the party and her date is her psychiatrist.  This is a relationship kissed by the angels.  In fact, she should only date psychological professionals.  I've never in my life seen anyone who requires so much validation.  Wait, I just thought of a few other people so she can just be in that club.  Speaking of those who need psychological intervention, here comes Kim in the limo.  She's digging around everything in the limo like one of my kids and she's in her 50's.  She even uttered the phrase, "Oh, I love the buttons".  Please be high.  PLEASE be high, you complete and total nut job.  She proceeds to clean out the car looking for more buttons. It appears this Virgo is late again.  I guess taking off your bra in the car affects your time management.  She thinks her anxiety slows her down.  I think it's the weight of her crazy that does.
Kim arrives, discombobulated, but she's there.  She is discussing the vibrator with a friend and plans to use it in the bathroom.  I love how everyone tells Kim hello in the same voice one would use to coax a knife out of a toddler's hand.  Kyle walks over to welcome her sister and assess her mood, but hen is brought to tears.  Pull it together , Sister.  Surely the fact that your sister is crazy is not new news to you.  She's greets Adrienne, then immediately tells her she's moving out.  She states that her balance is off and that she hasn't slept that great.  Um, no shit.  It's the drugs, not lack of sleep.  Kim then drags Adrienne to the bathroom and just starts dumping her Troll problems on her.  He's too this, he's too that.  What do you mean, Kim?  This winner isn't Prince Charming?  He's not there to take you away on his white horse?  I mean, it's not like EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER MET didn't warn you about this or anything.  She's "been alone too long", tears... Maybe it's the puffy, light pink leopard shirt in your confessional that keeps the men at bay, OR perhaps the crazy.  Just something to consider.  I won't judge.

OK, I may have been too harsh on Brandi.  Did she just call Troll a gay Bull Mastiff TO HIS FACE??  I'm so glad I'm dating her now because I'm going to need a poster of that scene.  That may have been the best moment all season and it was just a transition scene.

Kyle and Kim sit down for a little chat.  Kyle is crying like she does in every episode.  Kim's talking about how controlling and mean Ken is.  Kyle says she can see she's been depressed.  Then Kim says she's still mad at her about the Hawaii stuff.  Now they are both crying.  When does this ride end?  This crying conversation has taken place in every episode.  But then, wait, Kim says there's something else.  What can it be?  Kim's late.  Not Virgo late, period late.  3 months.  She's going to have a baby, but she really doesn't want one.  She'd like a puppy....or a kitty.  OK Kin.  You're at least 50.  I'm going to go with maybe it's the menopause fairy knocking at your door and not the stork.  Why?  Because God is not that unfair in life to make you two parents to some poor, unsuspecting infant.  Having said that, do you know what adults do when they think they are preggers?  THEY TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST, not share lip gloss with their sister.  I can't think about this scene for another half second.

Taylor gets there with her make-up covered bruised eye.  The shrink organizes a chitty-chat with all the women in the middle of the party so they can all discuss what has happened.  Taylor goes through this sobbing explanation and apology.  It's so fantastic that all these women have a background in psychology and counseling so they can explain her behavior to each other.  In a nutshell, Taylor and The Creeper have been fighting, he hit her and then she finally left.  Thank God Taylor!  We are so happy for you; however, if I'm at a fancy party this is not what I would want to be doing.  I did admire Camille for saying, you know what, you can't do what you did to me, but I understand and accept your apology.  Aw Camille, I love you so much more this season.  So everyone cries and we're done.  Let's go get high Kim out the bathroom.

Next week is the Season Finale.  What?  So soon?  I'm so depressed, but looking forward to Pandora's wedding!

RHBH - Kim & the boyfriend get to Hawaii

I'm sorry this blog is delayed.  My father is terminally ill and it has been a rough week.  I'm trying to catch up this week.  Since I don't get paid for this, I'll do the best I can. :)

This episode starts on the beach in Hawaii.  Our lovey, dovey couple, Paul and Adrienne, are on a hike.  They are too normal to discuss, so let's get to the crazy.  Obviously, Bravo agrees and immediately cuts to Kim and The Troll arriving in Hawaii.  To give the viewer a break, they cut to a topless Mauricio (thank you).  Suddenly, there's a noise in the hall.  Wait.  Does this mean?  No, it can't be.  Kim is getting the room next to Kyle.  Kyle is aflutter.  On a side note, if someone is bringing drinks to you in your room, do you still just sit there with only a towel wrapped around you?  I don't care how much those margaritas are, I'm not greeting wait staff in nothing but a towel.  She continues to flit about the room in the said towel & waitress, pressing her ear to the wall and the like.  The woman is looking at Kyle like she's just as crazy as she is.

Back to the action, The Troll actually speaks!  Whoever could dream he would have such a weenie voice?  Seriously Kim, what at all is appealing about this guy?  I can't concentrate on what he says because I'm distracted by that face and his bitch-slapping, silver charm bracelet.  Thank goodness, we cut to Rock Star Ken, fluffing his mullet in preparation for the night's activities.  The Disco era top is unbuttoned to his naval once again and he's dressed for a dinner on the beach, meaning in all black of course.  What other color do men wear on the beach? I know somewhere exists a 70's porn that he was in and I'll bet he looks exactly the same.  Lisa is getting ready and purposely has her bra straps hanging out her dress.  Um, why are we doing this?  Don't tell me you can't afford the actual strapless bra required for such an outfit, yet you adjust your straps so they hang out.  Really Lisa, Brandi had Trailer Chic covered, you stick to cocktail dresses for inappropriate locations as your trade mark.

The Hawaiian man calls everyone to the dinner table playing a conch shell.  I become a little jealous at this point because I feel it's a skill my husband needs so I can feel complete.  Moving on, Lisa starts rambling about liking Brandi because she's funny.  Really?  You like her?  Why?  To date, the only appealing thing I've found about her is that she is truly authentic, a characteristic I adore in people.  It explains my many crazy friends in my personal life.  Analyzing it now, I likely would be friends with her for that reason.  For now, I'll still be confused by her erratic behavior and will pass judgement on her because it makes for better reading.

The biggest of the issue of the dinner, Kim is lying about why they missed the plane when they already discussed the reasons at the airport.  "Ken only works once a week, and that was his day...".  Kim, if you're going to lie, and we know you do in lucid-lacking answers, please make the effort to come up with something good.  Why is everyone getting so wound up about this?  Are you surprised?  I'm not and I've only known y'all since the season began last year.  You people have known each other way longer than that and you're astonished.  You might also believe she never had that boob job either.  The bottom line is that I love when everyone is tyring to explain to Kim why her lying is such a problem. Though they use small words and speak slowly, she still doesn't get it. Maybe she is my teenage son in drag? I get similar reactions from him.

Kyle shares the news of Taylor leaving her husband.  Kim chimes in with the only insightful comment she will make all season, "that's because she wants to be invited to the next dinner".  Sure, a little inappropriate, but stealthily accurate.  They give it 2 weeks.  They just don't know what we know.  Just be happy for this poor woman.  She is FINALLY cutting bait. Celebrate the fact that she grew a set.

Now they are waiting on the bus for Kim and Ken so they can go out on the catamaran all day.  WHY ARE YOU WAITING?  Seize the moment!  Leave her now!  No, they can't do that.  It makes much sense for Kyle & Lisa to climb over the balcony into their balcony.  I thought this was a completely ridiculous scene until Lisa gets her donkey booty caught between the two pillars.  They continue to try to get her to emerge from the room.  My favorite is that they both knock on the glass of the bedroom patio door, she sees and has some looks with Kyle.  Not 2 minutes later, there's a knock at the front door of her hotel suite and she asks, "Who is it?"  REALLY?  Who in the hell do you think it is?  They were just banging on your balcony door, you really have to ask?  I hope for her sake she is on drugs.  Many, many drugs.  The kind that make Jeff Conway look like his addiction was child's play.  Nothing else can explain this level of stupidity.  Furthermore, why do these women put up with her?  I will ice out people for far less because they are a waste of my time yet you people jump balconies for it.

Bueller?  I didn't think so.  Next, in his biggest weenie voice you hear, "oh.  My contacts are hurting."  Seriously Troll, you make me gag.  I can't take your face and I certainly can't listen to that voice.  Kim's argument in this Mensa debate is that she's a marlin fisherman so she knows the could have waited for her.  In the words of Lisa, "NO! We've dicked around for a half an hour".  Did you notice how classy that sounded in an English accent?  They continue on with the Kim and Ken stupidity, but really, I'm so bored with it, I can't even bring myself to comment on it any longer.

Back to the boat and naked Brandi.  From which children's department does she buy these bikinis and why?  I get that you're skinny and you need attention, but frankly, I don't want to go to second base with you in every scene.  I said it in the last blog, but it's worth noting again.  When one is single and on a couples trip, that one wears clothes.  It is not appropriate to prance around half naked in front of other women's husbands unless you are looking for dollar bills to be shoved in your bottoms.

Oh Tragic Taylor, back to you.  She has finally, for real, left Russell.  I'm trying to evoke sympathy for her situation but I am so tired of it.  Move on, get half naked like Brandi and find ANYONE ELSE.  Anyone!  Well, not Troll Ken.  The prize is taken.  Her heart is breaking and I do feel sorry for her, however, I can't seem to help the fact that I'm so very distracted by Dana.  Hi Dana!  You own a million dollar necklace to hold a freaking lollipop, but you couldn't find the time to slap on some make-up for the cameras?  Was the fact that you are on a reality show totally elude you?  Dammit, back to Hawaii.

They are all meeting for dinner.  Brandi has a shadow covering her va jay jay because her dress does not. I thought Paul might be looking good for a second, then the camera pans down.  Cargo pants and white rapper tennis shoes.  Now I know why Adrienne exhales so much.    Kim prophesizes from on high while discussing being left at the dock, "We went back and we, everything happens for a reason."  What?  Are you just against subject/verb agreement?  How do you even diagram that sentence?  I can't listen to her anymore.  She still doesn't care that she left anyone waiting.  In the words of Bon Qui Qui, RUDE!

Now is my favorite moment of the show. Adrienne & Paul decide to blow some smoke up her butt, discussing her relationship.  They try to compliment Ken and in his stuttering Rain Man voice he says, "I'm not a fan of it". 
Everyone , "What?". 
Troll, "of whatever's going on that I don't know."  (yeah, I don't know either)
Paul, always the gentleman, "No, we were just talking about you". 
Troll, "No, I know. I know who you are, I just don't know why."
Kim, as Helen Keller's teacher, "We were talking about how he got to know you and that....". 
Troll, "No, for some reason I'm getting the vibe that's not what he was saying." 
Confused, Paul asks "What?  Do you have ESP or something?" 
Troll, at Adrienne "OK, well you face didn't look like that."
Adrienne "Well, no".
Troll, "You had a face of like wow, I don't want to be around when he hears this or something".
Adrienne in confessional, "It was a little strange.  He was being a little overbearing of Kim."
Troll, "I guess I misinterpreted it in my own head".

Um....WTF?  What?  Huh?  Really?  For shizzle?  Come again?  A little strange?  You thought it was a little strange?  Did I just accidentally hallucinate in the middle of this show.  (Ed. note - No, I did not.  I know this because I watched this scene 8 times to insure I caught every delicious word of this exchange.)  Troll thinks he interpreted something for Adrienne's face?  She is married to a PLASTIC SURGEON you idiot!  Her face hasn't moved in at least a decade and you, using your best Jedi mind tricks, have figured out every last second of this dialogue.  Ken, these are not the droids you are looking for, so take your crazy and get off the island, Freak.  This man should be tagged and studied for sociological reasons.

It's Mauricio's birthday dinner.  I'm trying to care, but my head is still spinning.  Kyle is making a toast to her husband.  I'm sure it's lovely but all I can think about is, why is she and her husband drinking white wine out of a red wine glass?  I see the white wine glass in Camille's hand, I know they have them.  It's fine that the husband doesn't know the difference, he only needs to have enough money to buy them for her, however, Kyle, you should know better.  There are more ramblings from Kim about her "amazing lunch".  Seriously, what was in that food that this one lunch in particular was so very "amazing", you can talk about nothing else?  This episode needs to end.  I can't take it anymore.  STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH KIM!  STOP!!!!  Kim responds with a clever, "it's just like me talking about how you drive around with a cell phone in your ear".  Kyle's response, "You've never driven in the car with me....It's like if I said you were a child molester."  Does this show have subtitles?  Is there a flow chart of logic some where that I can see?  I too blame editing.

The argument ends with the weenie voice out of nowhere, "we don't care".  Shoot me.  This may be the worst episode ever.  I can't say I don't care though, because I'm so ready for the next episode.

RHBH - Leis & Lies in Lanai

The episode begins and the White Party is continued.  Let me just start by asking, how did I miss this hair piece that Lisa is sporting last week?  She is a gazillionaire and I've seen better hair pieces on Toddlers & Tiaras when some of these parents live in trailer parks.  I know Cedric isn't around to stop you, so take this word of advice and fire your hair dresser.  I'd love to discuss this further, but let's get back to the shunned Armstrongs...

"What do you want to do?  I mean we can be in Vegas in an hour...", said Russel, in the most robotic voice a human can muster.  I know I shouldn't type ill of the dead, but seriously Taylor, if this jackass didn't have dollar bills stapled to his forehead, would you even give him the time of day?  How creepy does one have to be before your internal sensors go off?  I can appreciate that she tried to grow a set when she told him that perhaps he shouldn't have sent the e-mail, but too late.  You had sex with him and I just won't ever get past that.  Plus he's rambling on about how Camille is lying, when the Taylor voice-over kicks in with a "she exaggerated, but it's not a lie".  Whip out your testicle satchel and TELL HIM THAT.  Ugh, I'm so glad they finally got out of the limo before I had to go beat Taylor too.

Back to the ADD White Party....women are in gowns, giving their order to the Fat Burger people who even have diner waitress notepads to write it down.  Next, the Mariachi band comes out and Mauricio whisks his wife to the dance floor to do what looked like Greek dancing.  Then Lisa and Dana are trying to engage Kim in a conversation.  In all seriousness, what is wrong with you people?  The party montage continues.  Samantha Ronson is the DJ.  Kim is dancing a` la Kyle pony tail swinging style. Brandi's bragging about trying to make out with Camille and Adrienne. Oh please, please, PLEASE talk about people from the South because let me tell you, Red Necks have nothing on this group.  If it weren't filmed in the land of veneers, I would swear these people were missing teeth.  Some of them are all ready barefoot.

Just when you think it might end, that complete stud muffin Ken saunters into the scene.  He is dressed like Justin Timberlake after a white sale.  Kim glances across the dance floor and their eyes lock like something out of a romantic movie.  As if there is no else but her on the dance floor, he glides over to her, then starts raking out crap from his teeth!  Can it get more disgusting?  Why I'm so glad you asked because just then, they embrace, he lifts her off the ground and they start to make out.  Where o' where have my acid eye drops gone because ICK!  Kim is so high she thinks they have "taken over" the dance floor.  No, Kim.  The gagging sounds you are hearing are not from the bulimics of Beverly Hills tossing up their Fat Burger, it is everyone watching this interaction.  I need to go take one of those scrub baths like Ethan Hawke in Gattaca just from watching you two, months later and thousands of miles away.  Your coupling is grotesque and freaks everyone out.  I'll just assume he is your supplier and is keeping you high Howard K. Stern style because there is no rational explanation for this.  If she busts out the Cheetos and strawberry milk like Anna Nicole, I'm notifying the authorities.

It's time to plan for our trip to Hawaii, which did not deliver this week.  Let's hope next week brings more excitement.  There is some exchange between Lisa and Hair Helmet Ken, but really, we don't care.  Giggy's not going, Brandi is, ran into Cedric...yawn. The most exciting thing is trying to decipher what is this robe she is wearing.  A blush silk robe with ginormous fur sleeves that Mad Max may have worn beyond the Thunderdome.  Even Ken is laughing at you and we have seen how he dresses. Off to Kyle's house where Mauricio appears topless (thank you, Jesus!).  How smoking hot is this man?  Kyle may not be the richest woman in Beverly Hills, but she has the best looking husband.  She tells us that Troll Ken will be joining her sister on the trip.  Mauricio had better be naked if I'm going to have to be looking at Ken in swimwear.

Everyone starts to arrive at the airport.  Ken is sporting his finest lilac jacket.  Lisa has a donkey booty (who knew she'd be dangling that carrot?).  Brandi should have just shown up naked since she, once again, has no bra and her dress is see-through.  Camille is going on safari in a different climate. Kim is missing and they are all eating burgers and fries.  WTF?  How do they eat like this?  I've been to Beverly Hills before and I can't find burgers and fries much less locate women that eat them. I'm now going to assume everyone is bulimic and try to be concerned that Kim has not shown up yet.  OK, I tried.  Nope, still don't care.  She won't be there because she has an expired license.  Can she even convert oxygen to carbon dioxide?

Now Taylor is at the therapist alone.  I'm trying to feel empathy for her situation, yet I'm oddly entranced by her lips.  They keep distracting me and I am missing what she says.  What exactly has been inserted into that upper lip?  hmmm....

The flight to Honolulu was relatively uneventful.  There's some Kim bashing, but she asks for it with her irrational behavior.  Kyle tries to step up the action by calling Kim only to discover that she cannot link words together to form a sentence.  Is this woman really richer than me?  She's going to be on the later flight with Paul.  Further penance for the sins of Paul.

All hell breaks loose for the next flight.  Mauricio booked a 30 seater private plan.  It's some old looking propeller place that, I'll admit, I doubt I would get on to fly anywhere.  This group beats him down like he showed up with a donkey & pack to get there.  Hi rich and spoiled.  You are so rude!  Talk behind his back like everyone does on the show.  Don't call him a cheap bastard to his face!  Luckily, Hot Mess Brandi is there to get every one's mind off the adventure.  She freely admits to taking Xanax for the flight while drinking.  When they are on the go-cart plane, she's props up her injured leg on the top of the seat in front of her. Then in the confessional, states that she used to rufie herself, but unfortunately it's illegal now.  I can't even begin to imagine why Eddie left this prize for Leann Rimes. Her observation of human behavior is condensed into "everyone that drives a red Ferrari is a douche bag and has a small penis".  What?  Why? Huh?  There are no words for her.

They get to the hotel and everyone changes clothes.  I have no idea why Brandi bothered since she still had no bra.  Her and Camille are in the exact same dress but in different colors, however, Camille fits in hers.  It just makes all the difference.  Rock Star Ken has another lilac garment, but this shirt is unbuttoned to his naval.  What Ken, no mirror?  It works for him because drunk Xanaxed Brandi is hanging all over him.  She declares that Troll Ken looks like a gay Bull Mastiff.  Suddenly, stupid Brandi has become pure genius in my eyes.  Kyle is offended.  Stick it up your butt, Kyle, you haven't been nice either.  Who are you trying to kid?  Kim then says "I don't think Maurice is the most handsome guy on the block".  You're right, Honey.  In the event of Mauricio vs. Troll Ken, your boy has him beat.  Pass the Oxycontin this way...

After all this excitement, let's head down to the pool with Camille and Brandi.  Oops!  It appears that Brandi may have forgotten to put on her swimsuit.  I don't care how "amazing" one's body is, but when you are single on a couple's trip, you wear clothes.  Nipples do not have to be aired-out in order to remain on your breast.  A common misconception, I'm sure.  And what is up with Camille keeping her shoes on while tanning?  Weren't you just complaining about tan lines and your going to keep the strappy wedges on your feet?  To the beach to meet the rest of the gang...

Kim' still not here.  Get her off the show and stop talking about it!  Now the moment we've all been waiting for, the phone call from Taylor.  It's been on every commercial so we know what's coming, but I can't wait to see it.  She makes the big announcement that her marriage is over and Russell is moving out.  It looks like she's going to have to move to the beach chairs by Brandi and Camille, but THANK GOD!  She's finally leaving him.  Hooray!  We've never been so excited to see a marriage end.

Next week, Kim arrives at the island.  Stay tuned...

RHBH - White Party Episode

Since Jay Mohr's blog has left a hole in my life and this particular episode covered more crazy than a facebook status would allow, I had to start this blog. It's really a venue for my friends and I to discuss the show happenings, so no dissing the writer here. If you don't like what I write you have 2 options: 1 - don't read it, 2 - start your own, Loser.

This episode begins in Adrienne's shack of a house and Paul is totally confused by the printer. (I've been there too, Paul. Shout out to you!) They are discussing the incident of the tea, when Camille was talking about the situation with Russell & Taylor. This event is obviously setting the stage for how this rocking episode will end. These two are the voices of reason among the crazy. We shall look to them for guidance in the future.

Next we're off to Lisa's dungeon with Franc from Father of the Bride. I know his name is Kevin, but he insist on being Franc so he will be called Franc from here on out. They are listening to the band that may potentially perform at Pandora's wedding. This is perhaps the most awkward band decision of all times. They are a Latino band for the whitest of white people weddings in Beverly Hills. The groom then asks for a Motown song and somehow, it gets odder. The singer is some hippy looking woman who must think she sings like Adele, but clearly doesn't. Lisa is moved to tears whilst slow-dancing with Giggy. Franc steps over to her and kisses the dog. Really? Does being around all the money just make you stupid? Then comes my favorite part of the scene. Teary-eyed, Lisa walks over to her daughter, picks up the bottom of her sweater and WIPES AWAY HER TEARS WITH IT, exposing Pandora's leopard bra under the floral dress. I must be on whatever in the hell Kim is because nothing makes sense. There is so much wrong, I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and say we are being punked. Watch it again, you'll see what I'm talking about. The is no possible way English culture is that different from American, no way.

Next, Kyle is totally stressed out by her party she is throwing in 2 hours. Reality check, Kyle. You didn't clean your house, you're not cooking anything, there are more staff than party guests at work to put on this event, what could you be so stressed for? You aren't doing anything but writing checks. Sit down, shut it and let the hairdresser with way too many bangle bracelets on work her magic because, after all, you even have  to get yourself ready. Don't worry, we'll feel bad you later, but now is not your moment.

Now we finally get to the major issue of the episode... that jackass, crazy husband of Taylor is going to sue Camille for saying things that Taylor told her. Personally, I think Kelsey is behind it because we all like Camille now.

Oh Kim...having lunch with her daughters, Whitney and Kimberley. They obviously do not have a shred of respect for there mother because, well, Kim Richards is their mother. Kim is all aflutter because she is bringing that troll of a boyfriend, Ken, to Kyle's White Party. Kim, get the hint. There isn't a soul alive that thinks Ken is this great guy. Great guy for laying bricks...perhaps. I don't judge. Suddenly, Whitney notices a rather large diamond ring on a very significant finger and asks if it's new. Kim, being the stellar mother that she is, lies with an immediate "no" then says it's promise ring. Now Kim, I know we all aren't on the same level of narcotics you are; however, do you expect your daughter to believe that you are recycling an old ring of yours (never before seen) as a promise ring? Grab an upper, Honey, because we're not buying it.

Now it's time to party and Kyle has put the fate of the party's success into Glenn's hands. Good luck Glenn! Russell is so broke, he might threaten to sue you too. Camille and her friend D.D. are the first to show. Now, I don't mean to go all Louisiana on her ass, but the party guests are greeted by the a waiter holding a tray of plastic cups partially filled with champagne. Um, how much are you paying Glenn? Spend the extra $100 to rent real glass. This isn't a cocktail you are trying to sneak around the zoo.  This is a fancy, gown wearing, shoes that would cover my kid's tuition, themed party for the elite of Beverly Hills. I'll bet she was never in the Junior League, but I'll check with Ramona to be certain.

The stress of the lawsuit is so thick in the air I'm shocked their hair is holding up to it. They have decided that Taylor and Russell cannot come to this party and I totally agree. If this psycho is going to threaten a lawsuit to every one around him, he needs to be banned. To my absolute delight, they have decided to tell them they can't come in, when they arrive at the party. Yes, AT THE PARTY! At this point in the show, I can hardly contain my excitement.

As a distraction to the fact that we are only halfway through the show, Kim arrives with her troll, an entire garage sale full of necklaces, and an I Dream of Jeannie ponytail. Even more delightful, that car wreck Dana is there to do a cameo since she isn't interesting enough to really make the show. After several threats of the ass kicking Kim is going to pounce on Brandi, we get ready for their showdown.

On to Brandi...how did this complete piece of work get on this show? Was there no other woman in Beverly Hills? You are setting her up for failure, but I digress, because there is what she decided to wear knowing she would be seen on television. Brandi makes it to the big party, but the rest of the top of her dress didn't. Her unsupported breasts are desperately trying to pour out of every stitch and she looks like she hasn't washed her hair in at least 2 days. Alec, I'll take "Reasons She is Single" for $200.

This altercation is ADD personified. It's so hard to track what the fight is about because both of these women bring a new meaning to Hot Mess. I swear I've watched it 6 times and I still don't understand what came from it. My favorite part is that Kim begins by saying, "I don't like you" repeatedly while Brandi is apologizing profusely for reasons even she doesn't understand. And why is Rehab Jen just standing there watching the entire thing? You have counseling skills, yet refuse to use them. I mean, you deal with Steve Adler on a quasi-regular basis and then do nothing with this dynamic duo. This crew needs to be written off the show immediately because even this fight was disappointing. The finger pointing just isn't going to cut it for me, but please, Dear God, make sure you never ever point at Brandi.  That's her trigger for excessive F-bomb usage then I'm forced to look at her & wonder why she is incapable of opening her mouth while she speaks.

Now the moment I have sooo been waiting for, Taylor & The Creeper. They have no idea what's waiting for them and I'm excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I would be more compelled to pay attention to this World's Most Awkward Exchange between a husband and wife, but I'm distracted by Taylor's horrendous outfit. Her earrings are the size of a dinner plate and have an entire peacock's ass full of feathers on each one. Her dress looks like the result of a Wrap the Mummy game at a kid's Halloween party which she lost. There is not a more unflattering dress in existence. She has a toilet paper ruffle right under her boobs (Note to Brandi: don't get cocky because hers are restrained and where they belong).  It is gathered at her stomach to give the appearance that she has ever eaten, a shoe string bow at her crotch and part of the back is cut out in the style of Camille's pre-Kelsey dance days. Taylor makes the Jersey girls look high fashion with this one, if only she had a knit cap.

At this point, I'm so over the dress and I feel AWFUL for her and Kyle. This scene is pure pain to watch and harder to comment on after seeing the hurt feelings. There can't be anything harder than delivering this news or hearing it. This may have gone on forever if Paul wasn't there to cut through the BS with the precision of his plastics background. Russell tries to sling it, but he's having none of it.  Even Adrienne isn't taking it from you Dude so back down!  I would have preferred to see her sporting some Wonder Woman cuffs to deflect comments, but we'll wait for the animated version. 

All in all, PRAISE JESUS because this episode is being continued.