It's been a really long time since I've done this. Since my last post, my father had a major decline with his cardiac issues and I lost him. Admittedly, I feel I lost a bit of myself through the process. This experience has been harder than I ever imagined and I lost my desire to things I once enjoyed. Since we've all heard the saying that time heals, maybe it's time to get back on this horse and try again. It really is something I enjoy and I do have the gift of the Jersey Housewives to give me so very much to discuss. Saddle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but it may take me some time to find my stride.
The episode begins with the big fight that ended the previous episode with Juicy Joe and Poison Roid Joe. I'm delighted there is a recap because I sort of love this fight. Why? Because I cannot stand the Gorgas. I get that this is not the opinion of many of the sheep reading the Bravo blog pages, but I have never been one of those people. Not to say that I am a fan of anyone else on this show, but to me, The Gorgas are just an entire new level of Whisky Tango Guido Crazy I have never seen. Tonight the replay starts with Melissa screaming "Gorga! Gorga!' like an Argentinian screaming for Evita. Next we see the defeated duo that is Steven Ockerbloom and Stephanie Sibille, Team Development Professionals. Could two people ever be more misplaced in the universe? Are these actual professionals or characters from a Saturday Night Live sketch? Go get your colored mats now, Team and see if you can get the Clash of the Joes under control. The absolute fear, disgust and amazement in their eyes almost makes the entire scene for me... almost. PRJ then calls Teresa scum because his inane babbling beforehand was getting him no where. I swear this tool is Rainman without the funny quips and ability to do basic math. T is insulted, which I would be too if anyone thought for one second that Melissa Gorga was superior to me, and goes outside to tell JJ what happened. He rushes back into the room to demand an apology from PRJ to embark on one of the greatest moments of television.
The fight begins with Poison launching himself at Juicy in a total steroid rage. JJ doesn't even have time to get the entire sentence out before he lunges at him. As JJ tosses Roids aside like Melania's stuffed animal, PRJ's legs take out Melissa Chanting Gorga and they both crash into the window, and he loses a shoe. Now Bravo has sucked every nickel out of that shot because I have seen it for weeks before the episode aired and this is the second time they are showing it on an episode. Somehow, it still doesn't get old and this is the fourth time I've watched it tonight. Quick cut to Stephanie Team Professional extraordinaire... she's still unresponsive, so back to action. Rich and Melissa are trying to stop the fight by Rich actually holding PRJ back and Melissa by trying to slap JJ in the face and scream at Teresa because, let us not forget, who is entirely to blame for this even though she is running to get security. In this fight you can see Melissa scratch Juicy in the face and Roids actually squeezing JJ's nut sack. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? If my husband were squeezing another man's balls for such an uncomfortably long period of time, I would have had to change sides. Teresa runs back into the room and seems to be able to single handedly break these people up, but wait... further tragedy ensues because JOE GORGA LOST HIS HAT. Melissa springs into action, grabs the hat off the floor and runs PRJ to put the hat back on his head immediately like he needs it to survive the sinking of the Titanic. What is up with that? Of course, we will find out later.
Cut to the aside of PRJ explaining his 10 years of hatred toward him and how he is all to blame for coming between him and his parents. Wait a minute ADD, don't you blame your sister for that? Perhaps there's a better explanation. Maybe your parents have realized you are an asshole and your wife is psychotic and that's why they don't like you. I mean these people genuinely seem to like Juicy which means you have to be a special kind of Ass Hat to have them like him more than their own son! I digress... back to the fight, PRJ is ranting again and sort of shoves The Quiddich Champion of the Ball Cap Rescue to the side. This is also when we first notice The Black Sh*t on everyone, but there is no time to discuss. We are four minutes into this episode including scenes from the last episodes and the theme song. Pay per view wrestling doesn't have this kind of action! JJ is screaming that PRJ was biting his nuts, but we clearly saw he was squeezing them. Melissa ignores this, immediately starts blaming T for the fight and yells at her that she is disgusting. Um... obsessed much, Crazy? You have ignored your husband's ball play to turn everything back on Teresa and your husband is the one who started this entire thing! Then the confessional where she blames T for not helping with the fight. Delusional, maybe if you spent more time watching what was going on and less time spending Poison's money you would have noticed that she was the one to break up the fight. You know Melissa must dress up like Teresa every night, drink Fabalinis and pretend Antonia is G to the ia.
Now we see Steven and Stephanie use the force to take control of the room because no visible effort has been made whatsoever. Once again, the situation ends when Teresa takes charge of the situation, convinces Juicy to leave, and everyone starts to settle down except for The Gorgas. They are walking in ranting circles. "See, we are white trash now...". Oh Melissa, rest assured, you were white trash long before this evening and I suspect long before you ever met Joe when you were "waitressing". Roids even half heartedly tries to leave the room to follow JJ to start up the fight again, but fortunately Rich is there to hold him back. Stud... These people give me a headache. The scene then follows The Giudice's back to their room and the first discussion of The Black Sh*t takes place. It's everywhere, on clothing, on bodies, but my favorite are the three stripes across the back of the bald security guy's head. The Gorga's pretend to have no idea what it is with usual shifty eyes lies we see in every episode. PRJ gets all philosophical on us explaining "you have to become trash to deal with trash". I mean I'm pretty sure we had a Junior League training session on that exact topic at a meeting once. Meanwhile, he is walking around the hotel grounds topless with his underwear hanging out the waist of his jeans...with his white belt... during what appears to be post Labor Day. Melissa, once again, points out to PRJ how his sister is to blame for all of this and how evil she is. Thank God there is a commercial break, but I'm certain that's T's fault too.
The show returns to The Gorga's ranting in the room. It's as though they are answering questions that we cannot hear because the conversation makes no sense. "Those 3 babies are mine too... I'm done!... Saddam Hussein, that's someone's brother too. Doesn't mean that he's a good person... How long are you going to take to put a shirt on?" And she's going to write a book giving relationship advice? The only question that made sense in her tyraid was the question about the shirt. There are similar discussions in The Giudice room and the Wakile + Rosie room with the exception that I could follow those. Back to The Gorga room and PRJ has a new hat on. Everybody wants to leave then Juicy says the most brilliant sentence of the day "we drove 4 hours here, I ain't driving 4 hours to get back." I am baffled by the discussions taking place. Mostly because I seem to be agreeing with what's coming out of JJ's mouth. Well, mostly because we seem to share the same love of the F word. I have hit the point where I no longer want to hear anyone's conversations anymore on the topic. I'm right, they're wrong, blah, blah, blah.... They should have brought in Taylor Armstrong to scream "Enough!" since she would have been just as effective as the team of Ockerbloom and Sibille.
Rich has obviously drank the Gorga Koolaid. He blames everything on Teresa based on being an ass. I think Kathy & Rosie are starting to see the light. Rich blames T for bringing JJ into it. Teresa calls BS and reminds him that Melissa does that every single time and he doesn't have a problem with it. Game on, Teresa! You hit the nail right on the head. They are all screaming at each other, I've lost interest. Now on to The Gorgas, they are crying, and I'm trying to find a scab to pick. These people are idiots. Teresa wants to talk to Joe alone, Melissa says no. Can we all really not see that Melissa is the problem? Really? You all are so jealous of Teresa for whatever ridiculous reason you can't see this? The Gorgas cry in their roles as victim, then the O&S team come up to see how everyone "feels" about this. This episode just took a downward spiral. I really couldn't care about these family dynamics. Please re-cast this show or end it.
We come back from the commercial break and I honestly don't know where to begin. Everyone else decides to have dinner. First, there is the confession by PRJ that The Black Sh*t is a scalp spray he uses to try to make his hair look thicker. Dear Dude of 1000 different hats, why do you need scalp spray when your head never sees the light of day? I really can't stand this guy. Let's see what The Giudices are doing. They have decided they are not going to go to dinner, they are going to stay in. Sounds like a good idea, until we embark on the most awkward minute of television that I could discuss for atleast a week. Teresa and Joe are naked and in the tub together. It's so creepy weird that I want to do a chemical peel on my entire body. Then... it gets worse. How you ask? Let me try to form the words to discuss the next 30 seconds of television that make me want to rip all of my eye lashes out and use acid eye drops. I shudder to even begin to discuss this harrowing tale. They sit in the tub side by side in the bizarre bathing 101. There is a knock at the door. T shouts "come on in" as her bare titties are bouncing in the bath water behind a blurred square. A cheerful room service waiter, with a slicked back back low bun like one of the Robert Palmer, Addicted to Love girls walks in carrying two glasses and a bottle of Rose'. He seems unusually comfortable with this scenario as do The Giudices. Room Service Creeper continues to open the bottle and our two glasses for them. They continue to have a discussion as though they are not naked and the guy isn't in there. He hands over the glasses then walk out of the bathroom because this happens every day. I'm still wondering what happened as I pick up the remote to watch it again for the 23rd time and we see T pour the beverage into JJ's open mouth half spilling it in the tub. Seriously, am I the only person on the planet watching this? Is this for real? Then we cut to T in the her confessional say she is going to give him a little 'Brown Chicka Brown Chow" followed with an equally awkward attempt at a wink that more closely resembled a petite mal seizure. Am I high or did this just happen? Let's watch it a 24th time to see. Literally, I could care less what else this episode has.
It's the next morning and we have to look at everyone as soon as they wake up. Ironically, Kathy & Teresa wake up in full hair and make-up. Next we get subjected to Juicy discussing jerking off and a half ass shot of Teresa. Really Bravo, why do you hate us? This episode has ranked higher than any other on the creepy meter and we've all had to sit through Brooks' BS on the OC. The tide has turned for T and she decided to call Caroline hoping she can come up to help get through to her brother. Does Caroline print counseling degrees from her home computer? Why is she doing this? I can't take any more advice from her, but it looks like we are all going to have to take it. Not to be left out, Melissa also wakes up in hair and make-up. Are these people the damn Jetsons? I would have to get up an hour before to get all this accomplished, but I doubt I would bother. Anyway, Melissa and Poison are back to bashing Teresa. Seriously you two, get a hobby. You are obsessed! Crazy ass Melissa is back on the topic of T doing nothing to stop the fight because she's so evil and doesn't care. Hi Pot, you're black, I just want to slap her. It is no shock to me that Melissa's friends don't even like Melissa. She is intolerable! These two are so jealous I doubt they can see straight. If they spent 1/16 of the time they do bashing Teresa and trying to get everyone to hate her actually trying to fix the family problems, they may not have any. Ick... they are gross. In other news, St. Caroline, Patron Saint of Jersey drama is definitely heading to Lake George. I wait in eager anticipation.
Dr. V arrives on the scene to counsel this disaster. They imported her from California. Teresa is relieved she is Italian and pretty. I mean, as long as we are all qualified.... Dr. V jumps to very quick conclusions and seems to talk more than everyone else. I'm actually with Rich on this one. They had to fly someone in for this? No, Rich, Bravo is just promoting another show that she is on. Stay tuned... They are sitting down to breakfast and I'm distracted by Melissa's top. The grey sweatshirt from Wal-Mart with holes cut in the sleeves and lace sewn on top. Why would you buy this? There is no way it came from Posche. Posion is wearing a Poison shirt and the irony is not lost on me. Anyway, Dr. V gets right down to business addressing the stripper rumor they all think Teresa started. (um Melissa, we can figure out that you were likely far worse than a stripper. Why don't you just take the stripper bone and run with it before any of us find out what you really did? Better yet, move on!!!) The conversation continues in the same cycle that isn't even worth commenting on. Teresa is the devil and everyone else does not a single thing wrong. T, it is time to cut bait on these people. Someone go get Melania!!!
After deciding she will get nowhere with a group discussion, she decides to pull Roids into the other room to talk to him one on one. He starts the blame game with T's friends have started a rumor that Melissa cheated on him. Genius, one of these people is Melissa's best friend, the same one that rolled her eyes when notified of the book deal. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there is some truth to this. I still can't understand how Teresa gets blamed for everything. If we have learned nothing else about her, we have learned that she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but these people insist that she has the mental capacity to coordinate a room full of people to all bash Melissa. Can you pass that big of glass of You Wish over here? I'd like a sip. I think I would love nothing more than to see the combined SAT scores of these 7 people. Now we have Dr. V to add to the mix, rambling on, jumping to conclusions, listening to no one. As a viewer, I can't take it anymore and have no idea how these people are living this. I'm even relieved to see that Caroline has arrived. She sits at the breakfast table to discuss what has been happening. They replay everything, but Rich has the sympathy quote of the morning. "His (Roids) biggest hurt is that he can't even sit in his mother's bosom and talk to her...". SMH.... sit in his mother's bosom? I can get a life size picture of Poison sitting between his mother's boobs. Everything from here on out is ignored because I can't get past the stupidity of that statement. Melissa sits and continues to wipe away nonexistent tears. Caroline is preaching of her superior parenting skills of Black Water and Caface. Why is this show going downhill so quickly? In the end, Dr. V has determined they should try to work this out and uses some key counseling terms that she remembered reading online. All in all the final minute of that episode was downright painful to watch and I can't help but to hope they can somehow work all of this even though it is crystal clear Melissa does not want them to do so. I hope the next episode is better because I'm still trying to get over that bathroom scene.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Friday, March 23, 2012
RHOC - Heather throws a painting party
This episode begins in Catalina. Tamra and Eddie are having this emotional fallout from the boob incident. She explains that she was upset by his actions with Vicki and he was upset because she put another man's hands on her boob. Snooze people! Can this incident be more posed? Tamra must have forgotten her lines since all she could do is ramble on that she loves him so much. "Now let's go eat because they're waiting for us." Weenie.
On to Heather. We learn her biggest pet peeve in life is that to have a menu handed to her open. Seriously, how will you make it through this meal after being treated so harshly? Apparently she also sends everything back at restaurants. I won't judge her for that since I have been accused of being a "Sally" from time to time. Back to Catalina, Tamra and Eddie go join Vicki and Brooks for dinner. Tamra sits down and immediately starts crying, then goes into this rant that she doesn't want her best friend and her best friend (Vicki and Eddie) touching. Tamra then starts quizzing Brooks on whether he's a tit man or an ass man by shouting it at him at the table. He's both. Good, because Vicki's has both.
Gretchen, Gretchen , Gretchen. WTF is that outfit? You look like an idiot. Let me describe this nightmare for you. She is wearing a hot pink turtleneck, white booty shorts, tube socks with hot pink stripes, and knee-high fir and silver tennis shoe boots. Let me not forget the mini bow in her hair. She looks like a Hooters girl of the Alps meets Holly Madison and it's so ridiculous. Then Slade drops the bomb, he has a possibility to do a stint as a stand-up comic. Now Slade, we all like to laugh at you, but it is never because what you say is funny. We are laughing at you, not with you.
Tamra and Eddie are talking about the incident AGAIN. Please beat the crap out of that dead horse a little longer. Eddie feels last night had a lot to do with alcohol. Thank you, Intellectual Genius. This big fight with Eddie shocked Tamra's soul. Why are we continuing to discuss this? I want to move on to anything else, even if it's Alexis. Thank God, it's Heather. She is calling all the girls because she is having a painting party. I love that not one single other housewife has ever heard of the Corks and Canvas concept. In New Orleans, there is one just about every three blocks between the Walgreens and CVS. Do you really live in such a bubble. I totally enjoy that Alexis is the most confused by the concept. Shocking! OK, no, not really. We immediately transition to Tamra and Gretchen shopping at the sex toy shop. Disappointing segment all around.
The painting party is getting ready to begin and all the guests arrive. Heather has prepared a no carb menu, smart girl. Gretchen and Alexis are riding together in the limo to the party. Alexis is replaying the events from Vicki's party, mainly just Peggy trying to talk to her after the party. I enjoy watching Alexis blame everyone else for not knowing Peggy had a previous relationship with her husband, except for her stupid husband! SHUT UP!! Is there no one else in Orange County you can put on this show? If she ever engaged in actual thought I think her implants might explode. Gretchen starts to tell about her adventures with Tamra. Alexis is cautious about their new found friendship. Get in line, Honey...
They are having a few snacks before the painting begins. No one really eats, they just nibble a little bit. Heather says the she and 5 of her friends are planning to open a new restaurant in Orange County since there are no really good restaurants there, you always have to go to LA (having been to California before, I'll assume she means Louisiana). Completely envious, Alexis, wait...isn't that a deadly sin High Priestess of BS? I digress...Alexis defends her current city with "there are lots of good places to eat in Orange County". I was only shocked she didn't follow that up with "like the Olive Garden". Please Lex, we know you haven't eaten since your last pregnancy. Gretchen and Alexis start discussing their finds at the sex shop. Vicki seems a bot astonished to hear that they went. They start discussing the blowjob helper and Heather responds with a "Honey, I'm married, we don't have to do those things". Just then, she becomes my ultimate hero. Ever Envious Alexis responds with a "let's talk to you in 10 years and see if you're still married". Oh Geisha... I wish someone would hit you. You are not clever and you spend more time in therapy than you do the bathroom. Let us not throw stones in that glass house of yours. Heather clarifies with "I just think what goes on in married people's bedrooms is not that interesting and doesn't need to go outside". SCHOOLED! Besides Alexis, I know a few other people that you maybe listen to that conversation because I don't want to hear about it either. Single person sex is a whole other ball game. That, we want to hear about.
We finally get to meet Timree, the painting instructor, and Vicki begins by insulting her name. "Who gives their children a name like Timree?" Um, stupid people , Vicki, but drop it and pull yourself together. You're being rude. Next Vicki is offended because Tamra told Gretchen her hair looked pretty. Really? After you just verbally assaulted poor Timree
The episode ends at Gretchen's house. There is a scandal at hand. She has discovered Brooks owed child support to his ex-wife. Slade is totally out done. How dare she? Her boyfriend was "arrested" for not playing child support. Uh...Hi Pot, this is kettle? He's furious that she is so two-faced. He feels that she acts like she has a big company when she only has 3 employees. I hate to point out the obvious, but, Slade, she has a hell of a lot more money than you. Hell, I think we have a hell of a lot more money than you and that scares me. I can see they are setting the stage for a big showdown with Vicki. Good thing the next episode is waiting in my DVR!
On to Heather. We learn her biggest pet peeve in life is that to have a menu handed to her open. Seriously, how will you make it through this meal after being treated so harshly? Apparently she also sends everything back at restaurants. I won't judge her for that since I have been accused of being a "Sally" from time to time. Back to Catalina, Tamra and Eddie go join Vicki and Brooks for dinner. Tamra sits down and immediately starts crying, then goes into this rant that she doesn't want her best friend and her best friend (Vicki and Eddie) touching. Tamra then starts quizzing Brooks on whether he's a tit man or an ass man by shouting it at him at the table. He's both. Good, because Vicki's has both.
Gretchen, Gretchen , Gretchen. WTF is that outfit? You look like an idiot. Let me describe this nightmare for you. She is wearing a hot pink turtleneck, white booty shorts, tube socks with hot pink stripes, and knee-high fir and silver tennis shoe boots. Let me not forget the mini bow in her hair. She looks like a Hooters girl of the Alps meets Holly Madison and it's so ridiculous. Then Slade drops the bomb, he has a possibility to do a stint as a stand-up comic. Now Slade, we all like to laugh at you, but it is never because what you say is funny. We are laughing at you, not with you.
Tamra and Eddie are talking about the incident AGAIN. Please beat the crap out of that dead horse a little longer. Eddie feels last night had a lot to do with alcohol. Thank you, Intellectual Genius. This big fight with Eddie shocked Tamra's soul. Why are we continuing to discuss this? I want to move on to anything else, even if it's Alexis. Thank God, it's Heather. She is calling all the girls because she is having a painting party. I love that not one single other housewife has ever heard of the Corks and Canvas concept. In New Orleans, there is one just about every three blocks between the Walgreens and CVS. Do you really live in such a bubble. I totally enjoy that Alexis is the most confused by the concept. Shocking! OK, no, not really. We immediately transition to Tamra and Gretchen shopping at the sex toy shop. Disappointing segment all around.
The painting party is getting ready to begin and all the guests arrive. Heather has prepared a no carb menu, smart girl. Gretchen and Alexis are riding together in the limo to the party. Alexis is replaying the events from Vicki's party, mainly just Peggy trying to talk to her after the party. I enjoy watching Alexis blame everyone else for not knowing Peggy had a previous relationship with her husband, except for her stupid husband! SHUT UP!! Is there no one else in Orange County you can put on this show? If she ever engaged in actual thought I think her implants might explode. Gretchen starts to tell about her adventures with Tamra. Alexis is cautious about their new found friendship. Get in line, Honey...
They are having a few snacks before the painting begins. No one really eats, they just nibble a little bit. Heather says the she and 5 of her friends are planning to open a new restaurant in Orange County since there are no really good restaurants there, you always have to go to LA (having been to California before, I'll assume she means Louisiana). Completely envious, Alexis, wait...isn't that a deadly sin High Priestess of BS? I digress...Alexis defends her current city with "there are lots of good places to eat in Orange County". I was only shocked she didn't follow that up with "like the Olive Garden". Please Lex, we know you haven't eaten since your last pregnancy. Gretchen and Alexis start discussing their finds at the sex shop. Vicki seems a bot astonished to hear that they went. They start discussing the blowjob helper and Heather responds with a "Honey, I'm married, we don't have to do those things". Just then, she becomes my ultimate hero. Ever Envious Alexis responds with a "let's talk to you in 10 years and see if you're still married". Oh Geisha... I wish someone would hit you. You are not clever and you spend more time in therapy than you do the bathroom. Let us not throw stones in that glass house of yours. Heather clarifies with "I just think what goes on in married people's bedrooms is not that interesting and doesn't need to go outside". SCHOOLED! Besides Alexis, I know a few other people that you maybe listen to that conversation because I don't want to hear about it either. Single person sex is a whole other ball game. That, we want to hear about.
We finally get to meet Timree, the painting instructor, and Vicki begins by insulting her name. "Who gives their children a name like Timree?" Um, stupid people , Vicki, but drop it and pull yourself together. You're being rude. Next Vicki is offended because Tamra told Gretchen her hair looked pretty. Really? After you just verbally assaulted poor Timree
The episode ends at Gretchen's house. There is a scandal at hand. She has discovered Brooks owed child support to his ex-wife. Slade is totally out done. How dare she? Her boyfriend was "arrested" for not playing child support. Uh...Hi Pot, this is kettle? He's furious that she is so two-faced. He feels that she acts like she has a big company when she only has 3 employees. I hate to point out the obvious, but, Slade, she has a hell of a lot more money than you. Hell, I think we have a hell of a lot more money than you and that scares me. I can see they are setting the stage for a big showdown with Vicki. Good thing the next episode is waiting in my DVR!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
RHOC - Vicki & Tamra go to Catalina
We're back at the party and they re-cap everyone's arrival. I swear if I see the clip of the oysters one more time, I'll scream. Get another food clip! Anyway, they get right back on the Peggy and Jim issue. Seriously, how long ago was this? Both of you are allegedly happily married with children, why do you care? I can't possibly imagine caring if I found out one of my friends used to date my husband. Why? Because I have real problems and that date would have been 100 years ago. Move on. To make nice, Peggy and Alexis are talking about the pins in Peggy's daughter's arm from when it broke and Alexis says she has a rod in her leg. Peggy them walks right into it by saying "How can I have know you for 4 years and not known that you had a rod in your leg?" Alexis replies, "I don't know, there's a lot we didn't know about each other in 4 years..." I must note this because it will likely be the only zinger Alexis will get in all season. And Peggy, what were you doing opening yourself up like that? I'm sure there will be more but they are busy meeting and greeting each other.
Back to the oysters.... Gretchen and Tamra were bonding over the oysters by announcing in loud voices that they were bonding over oysters. Vick is wondering what's going on with them. Aren't we all, Vicki. I still don't think I like it. Cut over to Gretchen's friend babbling on about her "engagement". Now this is like the 4th time they have shown her and I'm totally sick of her. Real Housewives need better friends before they get contracts for the show. Anyway, she said it was very informal like a "Hey. Do you want to get married?" She feels he needs to get down on one knee and propose for real. Heather chimes in with a "No, he needs to buy a ring. Let me tell you something, until a man makes a monetary commitment... I'm sorry, he needs the ring." Indeed. She just became my favorite Housewife of all time! She then tells the story of her engagement. It was pretty lame, on the plane to Paris and he just sort of blurted in out. Get in line, Honey! I was proposed to over a Subway sandwich. Don't go down that path with me. I have yet to hear of a worse engagement than mine. "It wasn't romantic...there were magazines..." Um...did you not just read me saying Subway sandwich? Quit your bitching, plane to Paris.
They sit down for dinner and Tamra is wondering why Vicki is so far away from her. Vicki responds with you went to sit by Gretchen. OOooooooo...... I swear I was immediately transported back to elementary school with that statement because Tamra's in trouble! Cut to the confessional, Tamra's like "I'm a little bit afraid of her". As well you should be because she will cut you. She is having a Cajun themed meal because she's been dating a guy from Mississippi and this is his cuisine. Um hold it right there Home Girl, did you just say that MISSISSIPPI is where you get Cajun cuisine? Now I'm going to cut you. If you want to sample Cajun cuisine, I will tell you which restaurants to go to in LOUISIANA because I assure you, Mississippi is not where it is. Sure enough, I'm proved correct. They bring out the gumbo and there are Fritos in it because nothing says Cajun like some corn chips in your gumbo. Chef, can you name one woman in all of Orange County that eats carbs that would possess you to do that? Heather is mentioning that she is an actress, the most unseen actress of all time and all of a sudden Tamra calls out Gretchen for having her lips done. Wait, let me correct myself, Tamra shouts across the table as though she won bingo that Gretchen got her lips done. Gretchen denies it. What a bizarre exchange. Who does that? Talk about her BEHIND her back, that's how it's done. Watch the show, you'll catch on.
Time for the next course and they are putting on lobster bibs and plastic gloves. They are serving boiled crawfish not performing a dental procedure. The server brings out the crawfish, served in plastic bags. Well, this must be a Mississippi thing because I've never seen this in my life. Most of the women shrieked, carried on and refused to eat it. Their biggest issue, because it was served in a trash bag. It was not. Alexis wouldn't eat them because she could see the eyes, tentacles, legs, and poo-poosies. She eats shrimp, but isn't willing to try this. Good Lord, Alexis. How do you make it through the day with the palate and reasoning skills of a four year old? Vicki is right. No one should be complaining to the hostess about what is served. Let me call Atlanta and get Marlo on the phone just to make sure I'm correct in today's etiquette lesson. After a few minutes, Vicki shouts out that it's getting late and everyone has to leave. It seems everyone on this show needs Marlo's help. For such a fancy place, the OC women are looking a little Jersey. Quick, get Vicki a table!
The party is winding down, you know, because Vicki yelled at everyone to leave. Peggy is upset at how Alexis is treating her. (Why do you care?) Tamra convinces her to go run out and catch Alexis to go talk to her. Thank you for the input, Worst Ideas Committee. She goes because I'm not there to talk sense into her. Peggy asks Alexis if she can talk. Of course Alexis can't. She has to get home to King Jim and set his alarm. Maybe there are some sippy cups that need filling. The list goes on and on. Peggy said she wants to clear the air, Alexis says let's have lunch tomorrow, Peggy just reiterates her feelings, then Alexis shows her colossal bitch side. "You've had five months to talk to me" blah, blah, blah "there's nothing to discuss" whiney blah, blah, blah... That's it. Here's my official stance on the situation, I want Alexis off the show. Go find your friend Taylor Armstrong and the two of you can sit together, psychoanalyze people and then whine about how everyone treats you. I cannot take her anymore. Go elsewhere and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide because I am sick of you. Peggy, please give up. She is not worth it. Peggy goes back inside to Jim bash with the other girls. See...way more interesting.
Let's look deeper into Heather's fantastic life. We begin in her closet which is bigger than my den. There are four people hanging out in this closet and there is room to swing the kids. She is getting the baby dressed in this shanty of a room. I mean, she has her on the changing table and the clothes are in the drawer underneath. Honey, I dont know how you do it either with that fourth unplanned child. Her husband agrees, :See that's why we need to move and buy a bigger house". Well, let's look around this house and see what's going on. This house took 6 years to build, I can drive a car into the kitchen and the dining room. They built a large entreway so they could have parties there, or perhaps land a plane. There's a gigantic playroom and a seperate movie theatre in the house, complete with star lit sky and red curtains covering the screen. THere's an elevator and she lives in a location known as billionaire's row. Where did I go wrong that this is not my life? I can't believe people even live like this. I want to hate her, but I can't. She's great, the husband's great, the kids are cute. Ick...
We learn that Tamra and Vicki are taking a trip with their guys to Catalina for the weekend. Vicki calls the boyfriend to tell him what to pack for the trip. Please stop Vicki, it's for your own good. Just let hom bring whatever he brings. Let it go. Then we cut to Gretchen and Slade. Why does Slade make me want to peel my skin off in layers? He walks in the house and I'm totally creeped out. The kiss sequence makes me want to dip my lips in acid. Gretchen thinks things are really going well with Slade. Why do you want them going well? He has no money and is wicked creepy. Do you secretly hate yourself? He does wait on her well, but I can't take him seriously because he's wearing a vest. Are straight men, aside from Bel-Biv-Devoe wearing vests these days because I didn't get that memo? I'm trying to pay attention to Gretchen's version of the Alexis/Peggy situation, but I'm distracted by the vest and her look in the confessional. Did you notice the necklace she is wearing has like one marble that hangs in her cleavage?
Speaking of people that make me want to hurt myself, we're back to Alexis. How do you take yourself seriously? She is in her kitchen getting her hair and make-up done. Who does that? If it were Atlanta, they would have a seperate room just for that. In Beverly Hills, they are always in the bathroom, but no one is in the kitchen. Ew...I guess Jim was sleeping and the King couldn't be disturbed.
Tamra and Vicki are leaving for the trip to Catalina. They are in the limo going to pick up Eddie when Brooks gives Vicki a card which she reads out loud. This may be the weirdest exchang eon TV ever. First, I am anti-card. I don't understand them and think they are a waste of money unless they are needed to gift someone cash or a gift card. Otherwise, they are also typically mailed to someone. Finally, why are reading it out loud? How much validation do you need? Evidentally, it's DAILY. Every day this man gives her something to affirm his love for her. I'm not sure anyone could be more high maintenance. Then we learn that Vicki buys everything he wears. Dude, have your testicles desended? I do not know any Southern boys that act like this. By the third card I got for the third day in a row, he would have to go.
Thanksfully, we pull up to pick up Eddie so I no longer have to be subjected to those two. Eddie gets in the car and kisses Vicki on the lips. Hold on, back it up, on the lips? No. That is not appropriate and trust me, my good girlfriends and I have blurred the lines of appropriate behavior with spouses/boyfriends. Not happening, unless one of my friends dates Ryan Reynolds. Then full on making out and having sex in front of my friend becomes completely acceptable. Cut to Tamra's confessional where she shares that their honeymoon phase is over and they do more in front of each other. Like he farts now and farts a whole lot. Why do men find this to be a charming level of comfort? Maybe those stupid cards aren't so bad after all. Then Tamra notices Eddie has a long nose hair and WHIPS OUT THE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER FROM HER PURSE TO TRIM THEM! DId someone just Roofie me or did I really see that?
Back to Gretchen who is doing some naked photo shoot. I'd pay attention to what it's for but this is the first time we see her with no make-up on. Is she a man? I have never seen such a difference between someone with or without make-up in my entire life. Gretchen, never ever EVER go out in public without it ever again. Maybe I should buy some of her make-up if it makes that much of a difference. There is more interaction between her and Slade. I'm not certain she could be any more condescending to him. Slade, I know you make me want to do violent things, but really, no one should put up with that. These two must seriously be the best people in bed of all time because I can't figure out why either one is with either one. Gretchen proclaims to be quite the catch because "I'm the total package. I'm loyal, I'm hot, I'm good in abed...". I'm conceited, I look like a man, ugh STOP!
Back to Tamra and Vicki. They are boarding the boat to get to their spot. Vicki boards with her usual Woo Hoo shout out which is why we would so get along. They are sitting down at a table and Vicki wants Eddie to sit next to her. As a group, they decide better of it. Good thing because although Vicki claims she doesn't like to be touched in person, she sure as hell has no problem pawing all over her friend's boyfriend. Vicki then declares she is going to be "celibate" with him. Quick cut to a Tamra confessional where she explains celibate to us, using her fingers for a better charades like definition. Then further clarifies that maybe she means monogomous since she knows they are doing it. They decide the only next logical step is to proceed with tequila shots. I mean, I completely uderstand this thought process. They get through those, bust out the champagene, make some toasts and everything seems to be going well. Good times! Then Vicki and Eddie are holding hands, rubbing each others hands on thei face, kissing hands, and all of this is fine. I agree. Then Tamra grabs Brooks hand and puts it on her completely clothed and bra harnessed boob declaring she went there. Suddenly, there's a problem. Complete change of atmosphere. Here is what I don't understand, all the other shenanigans were toally fine, but this 1/2 second exchange crosses a line? Seriously? Eddie is totally pissed. Eddie, you could not hang with my friends and me. I'm certain that all of my best friend's spouses have touched my clothed breast in front of them and my husband and we somehow all get that it's a joke. In fact, I may have even posed for photos doing just that. GET OVER IT! I can assure you of what men I would NEVER hook up with ever and it is that same group of people. Why? Girl code. First thing in the category of never gonna happen. They continue to fight for the rest of the episode. Sorry dude, no one can be help responsible for anything that happens following tequila. Not eve you, Nose Hair. What a bummer way to end a show!
It looks like this conversation is going to continue for the next episode, God help us. Better yet, it looks like there is some dirt on Brooks. Ooooo....stay tuned!
Back to the oysters.... Gretchen and Tamra were bonding over the oysters by announcing in loud voices that they were bonding over oysters. Vick is wondering what's going on with them. Aren't we all, Vicki. I still don't think I like it. Cut over to Gretchen's friend babbling on about her "engagement". Now this is like the 4th time they have shown her and I'm totally sick of her. Real Housewives need better friends before they get contracts for the show. Anyway, she said it was very informal like a "Hey. Do you want to get married?" She feels he needs to get down on one knee and propose for real. Heather chimes in with a "No, he needs to buy a ring. Let me tell you something, until a man makes a monetary commitment... I'm sorry, he needs the ring." Indeed. She just became my favorite Housewife of all time! She then tells the story of her engagement. It was pretty lame, on the plane to Paris and he just sort of blurted in out. Get in line, Honey! I was proposed to over a Subway sandwich. Don't go down that path with me. I have yet to hear of a worse engagement than mine. "It wasn't romantic...there were magazines..." Um...did you not just read me saying Subway sandwich? Quit your bitching, plane to Paris.
They sit down for dinner and Tamra is wondering why Vicki is so far away from her. Vicki responds with you went to sit by Gretchen. OOooooooo...... I swear I was immediately transported back to elementary school with that statement because Tamra's in trouble! Cut to the confessional, Tamra's like "I'm a little bit afraid of her". As well you should be because she will cut you. She is having a Cajun themed meal because she's been dating a guy from Mississippi and this is his cuisine. Um hold it right there Home Girl, did you just say that MISSISSIPPI is where you get Cajun cuisine? Now I'm going to cut you. If you want to sample Cajun cuisine, I will tell you which restaurants to go to in LOUISIANA because I assure you, Mississippi is not where it is. Sure enough, I'm proved correct. They bring out the gumbo and there are Fritos in it because nothing says Cajun like some corn chips in your gumbo. Chef, can you name one woman in all of Orange County that eats carbs that would possess you to do that? Heather is mentioning that she is an actress, the most unseen actress of all time and all of a sudden Tamra calls out Gretchen for having her lips done. Wait, let me correct myself, Tamra shouts across the table as though she won bingo that Gretchen got her lips done. Gretchen denies it. What a bizarre exchange. Who does that? Talk about her BEHIND her back, that's how it's done. Watch the show, you'll catch on.
Time for the next course and they are putting on lobster bibs and plastic gloves. They are serving boiled crawfish not performing a dental procedure. The server brings out the crawfish, served in plastic bags. Well, this must be a Mississippi thing because I've never seen this in my life. Most of the women shrieked, carried on and refused to eat it. Their biggest issue, because it was served in a trash bag. It was not. Alexis wouldn't eat them because she could see the eyes, tentacles, legs, and poo-poosies. She eats shrimp, but isn't willing to try this. Good Lord, Alexis. How do you make it through the day with the palate and reasoning skills of a four year old? Vicki is right. No one should be complaining to the hostess about what is served. Let me call Atlanta and get Marlo on the phone just to make sure I'm correct in today's etiquette lesson. After a few minutes, Vicki shouts out that it's getting late and everyone has to leave. It seems everyone on this show needs Marlo's help. For such a fancy place, the OC women are looking a little Jersey. Quick, get Vicki a table!
The party is winding down, you know, because Vicki yelled at everyone to leave. Peggy is upset at how Alexis is treating her. (Why do you care?) Tamra convinces her to go run out and catch Alexis to go talk to her. Thank you for the input, Worst Ideas Committee. She goes because I'm not there to talk sense into her. Peggy asks Alexis if she can talk. Of course Alexis can't. She has to get home to King Jim and set his alarm. Maybe there are some sippy cups that need filling. The list goes on and on. Peggy said she wants to clear the air, Alexis says let's have lunch tomorrow, Peggy just reiterates her feelings, then Alexis shows her colossal bitch side. "You've had five months to talk to me" blah, blah, blah "there's nothing to discuss" whiney blah, blah, blah... That's it. Here's my official stance on the situation, I want Alexis off the show. Go find your friend Taylor Armstrong and the two of you can sit together, psychoanalyze people and then whine about how everyone treats you. I cannot take her anymore. Go elsewhere and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide because I am sick of you. Peggy, please give up. She is not worth it. Peggy goes back inside to Jim bash with the other girls. See...way more interesting.
Let's look deeper into Heather's fantastic life. We begin in her closet which is bigger than my den. There are four people hanging out in this closet and there is room to swing the kids. She is getting the baby dressed in this shanty of a room. I mean, she has her on the changing table and the clothes are in the drawer underneath. Honey, I dont know how you do it either with that fourth unplanned child. Her husband agrees, :See that's why we need to move and buy a bigger house". Well, let's look around this house and see what's going on. This house took 6 years to build, I can drive a car into the kitchen and the dining room. They built a large entreway so they could have parties there, or perhaps land a plane. There's a gigantic playroom and a seperate movie theatre in the house, complete with star lit sky and red curtains covering the screen. THere's an elevator and she lives in a location known as billionaire's row. Where did I go wrong that this is not my life? I can't believe people even live like this. I want to hate her, but I can't. She's great, the husband's great, the kids are cute. Ick...
We learn that Tamra and Vicki are taking a trip with their guys to Catalina for the weekend. Vicki calls the boyfriend to tell him what to pack for the trip. Please stop Vicki, it's for your own good. Just let hom bring whatever he brings. Let it go. Then we cut to Gretchen and Slade. Why does Slade make me want to peel my skin off in layers? He walks in the house and I'm totally creeped out. The kiss sequence makes me want to dip my lips in acid. Gretchen thinks things are really going well with Slade. Why do you want them going well? He has no money and is wicked creepy. Do you secretly hate yourself? He does wait on her well, but I can't take him seriously because he's wearing a vest. Are straight men, aside from Bel-Biv-Devoe wearing vests these days because I didn't get that memo? I'm trying to pay attention to Gretchen's version of the Alexis/Peggy situation, but I'm distracted by the vest and her look in the confessional. Did you notice the necklace she is wearing has like one marble that hangs in her cleavage?
Speaking of people that make me want to hurt myself, we're back to Alexis. How do you take yourself seriously? She is in her kitchen getting her hair and make-up done. Who does that? If it were Atlanta, they would have a seperate room just for that. In Beverly Hills, they are always in the bathroom, but no one is in the kitchen. Ew...I guess Jim was sleeping and the King couldn't be disturbed.
Tamra and Vicki are leaving for the trip to Catalina. They are in the limo going to pick up Eddie when Brooks gives Vicki a card which she reads out loud. This may be the weirdest exchang eon TV ever. First, I am anti-card. I don't understand them and think they are a waste of money unless they are needed to gift someone cash or a gift card. Otherwise, they are also typically mailed to someone. Finally, why are reading it out loud? How much validation do you need? Evidentally, it's DAILY. Every day this man gives her something to affirm his love for her. I'm not sure anyone could be more high maintenance. Then we learn that Vicki buys everything he wears. Dude, have your testicles desended? I do not know any Southern boys that act like this. By the third card I got for the third day in a row, he would have to go.
Thanksfully, we pull up to pick up Eddie so I no longer have to be subjected to those two. Eddie gets in the car and kisses Vicki on the lips. Hold on, back it up, on the lips? No. That is not appropriate and trust me, my good girlfriends and I have blurred the lines of appropriate behavior with spouses/boyfriends. Not happening, unless one of my friends dates Ryan Reynolds. Then full on making out and having sex in front of my friend becomes completely acceptable. Cut to Tamra's confessional where she shares that their honeymoon phase is over and they do more in front of each other. Like he farts now and farts a whole lot. Why do men find this to be a charming level of comfort? Maybe those stupid cards aren't so bad after all. Then Tamra notices Eddie has a long nose hair and WHIPS OUT THE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER FROM HER PURSE TO TRIM THEM! DId someone just Roofie me or did I really see that?
Back to Gretchen who is doing some naked photo shoot. I'd pay attention to what it's for but this is the first time we see her with no make-up on. Is she a man? I have never seen such a difference between someone with or without make-up in my entire life. Gretchen, never ever EVER go out in public without it ever again. Maybe I should buy some of her make-up if it makes that much of a difference. There is more interaction between her and Slade. I'm not certain she could be any more condescending to him. Slade, I know you make me want to do violent things, but really, no one should put up with that. These two must seriously be the best people in bed of all time because I can't figure out why either one is with either one. Gretchen proclaims to be quite the catch because "I'm the total package. I'm loyal, I'm hot, I'm good in abed...". I'm conceited, I look like a man, ugh STOP!
Back to Tamra and Vicki. They are boarding the boat to get to their spot. Vicki boards with her usual Woo Hoo shout out which is why we would so get along. They are sitting down at a table and Vicki wants Eddie to sit next to her. As a group, they decide better of it. Good thing because although Vicki claims she doesn't like to be touched in person, she sure as hell has no problem pawing all over her friend's boyfriend. Vicki then declares she is going to be "celibate" with him. Quick cut to a Tamra confessional where she explains celibate to us, using her fingers for a better charades like definition. Then further clarifies that maybe she means monogomous since she knows they are doing it. They decide the only next logical step is to proceed with tequila shots. I mean, I completely uderstand this thought process. They get through those, bust out the champagene, make some toasts and everything seems to be going well. Good times! Then Vicki and Eddie are holding hands, rubbing each others hands on thei face, kissing hands, and all of this is fine. I agree. Then Tamra grabs Brooks hand and puts it on her completely clothed and bra harnessed boob declaring she went there. Suddenly, there's a problem. Complete change of atmosphere. Here is what I don't understand, all the other shenanigans were toally fine, but this 1/2 second exchange crosses a line? Seriously? Eddie is totally pissed. Eddie, you could not hang with my friends and me. I'm certain that all of my best friend's spouses have touched my clothed breast in front of them and my husband and we somehow all get that it's a joke. In fact, I may have even posed for photos doing just that. GET OVER IT! I can assure you of what men I would NEVER hook up with ever and it is that same group of people. Why? Girl code. First thing in the category of never gonna happen. They continue to fight for the rest of the episode. Sorry dude, no one can be help responsible for anything that happens following tequila. Not eve you, Nose Hair. What a bummer way to end a show!
It looks like this conversation is going to continue for the next episode, God help us. Better yet, it looks like there is some dirt on Brooks. Ooooo....stay tuned!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
RHOBH - The Reunion, part 3
It is the final episode of the Trilogy and we are finally going to see Kim Richards. The episode begins with Taylor because she won't go away. She starts off with a conspiracy theory that perhaps he was murdered. So Taylor, I'm thinking about moving, what are lots going for in your area of Delusionville? The man hung himself with an electrical cord. Tragic, yes, but worthy of conspiracy? I highly doubt it. If everyone hated Russell as much as they claim I think someone would have just shot him in the face. She talks about the book she has written. Russell used to monitor her every move. There were recording devices all over her house and in her car. I'm going to assume that this was before the domestic violence, yet you stayed? I think this book is more of a declaration of how stupid one can be and less about saving other victims of domestic violence. There are many things I have done in my life that I'm embarrassed about. Notice the lack of a book title celebrating these events. Taylor, you need to STOP TALKING! I swear she is the crazy old aunt at the Christmas dinner table that will not stop rambling. I get that she has had a lot of terrible things happen to her, but it's almost like she enjoys telling the horrific stories of how terribly she was treated. Honey, you think Lisa Vanderpump treats you poorly? I agree with Brandi and Camille's assessment of the situation. None of this makes sense so I don't want to hear about it. I hope Brandi replaces her on the show.
As a new addition, they bring Dana on the show. Even though I think she is a complete idiot, she is a welcomed breath of fresh air that has gotten Taylor to shut up. Kudos. The first thing she does, shows us her pair of shoes that have "F**k You" written on them. In the immortal words of Elvis, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie". Who does this? She giggles and says" there was a middle finger with a diamond on it". Well what a tremendous waste of a diamond! What is wrong with you? This isn't charming, this is ridiculous on so many levels I need a flow chart just to get to the end of each statement. If I'm being totally honest, I really couldn't care less about any explanation she offered regarding her behavior. "25 thousands for sunglasses...I mean, we're not a practical group". Um, no shit, but when everyone else in the room think you're an idiot, zip it.
Now we get a breakdown of Dana's personal history. She lived alone at fifteen. Her mom was poor, her dad was rich. She makes this plea about just wanting to belong to groups in high school and wanting to fit in with the ladies on the show. Desperate much? Now this reunion episode is just getting sad. First we were forced to endure Taylor's whining, now this? Where is Kim Richards? If I don't get some real crazy soon, I'm going to need to change the channel.
I love that Dana critiqued Brandi's behavior as a guest because, clearly, she has done a doctoral thesis on what it means to be Emily Post. COME ON! She isn't even comedic relief for the show, she's just an idiot. Taylor, if you are going to bring crazy friends on the show to leave an impression, take hints from Camille. No one brought it like Allison Dubois and no one ever will. In her ramblings, I'm distracted by the fact that it looks like her genius toddler may have done her make-up for the show. She's sporting the blue sequin dress and the blue eyeshadow. Praise God, her segment only last 6 minutes of the episode. I'm battling staying awake for the second time I am watching this episode.
The house husbands have joined the show, Ken, Mauricio, and Paul. Immediately, Andy calls out Paul for the consultation he did for Taylor's face outside of his front gate. This somehow translated into her mind as invitation to throw herself at Paul. Adrienne, I'm telling, watch out. You treat the man like crap-a-doodle and this one is going to take him. We also learn in this segment that Ken is the most brilliant man alive. He defends his stance on therapy and that it doesn't work for him. He discusses his issues with his wife then does what he is told. Good man. Mauricio then gets asked if he has received any nude photos this season. Wait a minute, is that an option? Because I'm posing in front of my web cam now. The next series shows him playing sports, topless, and then the Holy Grail...his butt crack. OK, there is the one redeeming quality of this episode. Back to Ken, but now discussing his sexual chemistry with Brandi. It is noted that women everywhere find him attractive. When asked what she finds attractive about him, Brandi replies "EVERYTHING". Shut the door! Everything? So Rod Stewart in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory purple suit is what gets you going? Seriously? At least it matches the purple streak on the top of his hair.
At last! It's the moment I've waited the entire Trilogy for...Kim Richards. She runs into the room to greet Andy with a "look at my shoes" then takes her seat for the interview. What does every woman need for an interview ? A silver, glitter clutch purse, of course. No need to keep it in the green room, no! BRING IT ON CAMERA WITH YOU THEN HOLD IT IN YOUR DEATH GRIP THE ENTIRE TIME. What? What are you doing? Oh well , on to the question we've all been waiting for..."Kim, why did you go to Rehab?" The Rambler replies, "I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic, and I, I drink, I drink". Thank you for the clarification because so few of us watching the show understand what it means when someone says alcoholic. Why is she repeating everything she is saying? She is like a damn parrot. Good news, maybe Disney will hire you once again for an appearance in the Tiki Room since you have displayed such talent. Get your agent on the phone pronto!
"I just didn't like me anymore." Blank stare. Hello? Kim? Re-engages, "I just didn't like me anymore." Andy asks, "Are they prescribing all of your anxiety pills?" Kim, "Yes, the treatment facility I went to put me on the program. I stopped taking some and it was real bad." This isn't bad? There is another level of crazy you go to on reduced meds? Sounds like a spin-off show to me. We learn in the beginning of the season she wasn't drinking and that's why she was semi-together. On the show she was on Trazodone, Topamax and Lexapro for severe anxiety and panic disorder. She says she was only on these drugs for Game Night. Only on these drugs? I could drug a horse with that, but I can see why you thought it was light weight since you didn't also have alcohol. They continue, it's lame. I miss drunk Kim. She still struggles to formulate a sentence, but that will only get me so far. Andy asks, "I have clips of that SUR episode. Do you want to see any?" Blank stare off to the side....Helllooooo??? She barely verablizes the "oh alright", then again, staring off into to space. Note to the producers: I'm going to need to see a little more than this. This episode is getting more painful by the minute. They must agree because they go into the longest series of clips ever. We learn she is not with Ken any longer (I guess she saw him without the beer goggles) and she is moving this weekend. How many times have we heard this phrase out her mouth? She moves more than a nomad Indian tribe. Maybe she should invest in a teepee.
They bring Kyle on to interview with Kim. I'm trying to be interested, but am continuing to keep my eyes fixed on the glitter clutch. Are you getting a kickback for that? Put it away. It's annoying. How do you feel about bringing up Kim's alcoholism? Kyle - I feel bad about that. Kim - I feel bad about that. Put the damn purse down! I can't handle it! What is up with Kyle sporting the sequin Liza Minneli jacket? Are you in your early 70's? This episode has given me ADD and I'm about to start self cuttin.. I am frantically analyzing every inch of the set. This conversation personifies paint drying. There are 12 minutes left and all I can think about is that episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County I have on my DVR. I think I even miss the purple light on top of everyone's head. Go get Dana. I'm interested to know how much she pays for tampons. Holy Hell. Kyle is crying, Kim talks about feeling overwhelmed and I'm back on the purse.
Is it wrong that I wish Kim was drinking again? Really. This was a painful reunion show to sit through and remain alert. Maybe we should re-think the 3 episode reunion thing. It's called editing, look into it. Hone your craft! My final vote for the season is that Brandi joins the regular cast and we say good bye to Taylor and Kim. I'd kick Kyle off too but I enjoy her topless husband, so she can stay and cry. Overall, the season has been entertaining and I know I will be so excited to see it back next season. Air kisses Ladies! See you soon.
As a new addition, they bring Dana on the show. Even though I think she is a complete idiot, she is a welcomed breath of fresh air that has gotten Taylor to shut up. Kudos. The first thing she does, shows us her pair of shoes that have "F**k You" written on them. In the immortal words of Elvis, "You said you was high class, but that was just a lie". Who does this? She giggles and says" there was a middle finger with a diamond on it". Well what a tremendous waste of a diamond! What is wrong with you? This isn't charming, this is ridiculous on so many levels I need a flow chart just to get to the end of each statement. If I'm being totally honest, I really couldn't care less about any explanation she offered regarding her behavior. "25 thousands for sunglasses...I mean, we're not a practical group". Um, no shit, but when everyone else in the room think you're an idiot, zip it.
Now we get a breakdown of Dana's personal history. She lived alone at fifteen. Her mom was poor, her dad was rich. She makes this plea about just wanting to belong to groups in high school and wanting to fit in with the ladies on the show. Desperate much? Now this reunion episode is just getting sad. First we were forced to endure Taylor's whining, now this? Where is Kim Richards? If I don't get some real crazy soon, I'm going to need to change the channel.
I love that Dana critiqued Brandi's behavior as a guest because, clearly, she has done a doctoral thesis on what it means to be Emily Post. COME ON! She isn't even comedic relief for the show, she's just an idiot. Taylor, if you are going to bring crazy friends on the show to leave an impression, take hints from Camille. No one brought it like Allison Dubois and no one ever will. In her ramblings, I'm distracted by the fact that it looks like her genius toddler may have done her make-up for the show. She's sporting the blue sequin dress and the blue eyeshadow. Praise God, her segment only last 6 minutes of the episode. I'm battling staying awake for the second time I am watching this episode.
The house husbands have joined the show, Ken, Mauricio, and Paul. Immediately, Andy calls out Paul for the consultation he did for Taylor's face outside of his front gate. This somehow translated into her mind as invitation to throw herself at Paul. Adrienne, I'm telling, watch out. You treat the man like crap-a-doodle and this one is going to take him. We also learn in this segment that Ken is the most brilliant man alive. He defends his stance on therapy and that it doesn't work for him. He discusses his issues with his wife then does what he is told. Good man. Mauricio then gets asked if he has received any nude photos this season. Wait a minute, is that an option? Because I'm posing in front of my web cam now. The next series shows him playing sports, topless, and then the Holy Grail...his butt crack. OK, there is the one redeeming quality of this episode. Back to Ken, but now discussing his sexual chemistry with Brandi. It is noted that women everywhere find him attractive. When asked what she finds attractive about him, Brandi replies "EVERYTHING". Shut the door! Everything? So Rod Stewart in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory purple suit is what gets you going? Seriously? At least it matches the purple streak on the top of his hair.
At last! It's the moment I've waited the entire Trilogy for...Kim Richards. She runs into the room to greet Andy with a "look at my shoes" then takes her seat for the interview. What does every woman need for an interview ? A silver, glitter clutch purse, of course. No need to keep it in the green room, no! BRING IT ON CAMERA WITH YOU THEN HOLD IT IN YOUR DEATH GRIP THE ENTIRE TIME. What? What are you doing? Oh well , on to the question we've all been waiting for..."Kim, why did you go to Rehab?" The Rambler replies, "I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic, and I, I drink, I drink". Thank you for the clarification because so few of us watching the show understand what it means when someone says alcoholic. Why is she repeating everything she is saying? She is like a damn parrot. Good news, maybe Disney will hire you once again for an appearance in the Tiki Room since you have displayed such talent. Get your agent on the phone pronto!
"I just didn't like me anymore." Blank stare. Hello? Kim? Re-engages, "I just didn't like me anymore." Andy asks, "Are they prescribing all of your anxiety pills?" Kim, "Yes, the treatment facility I went to put me on the program. I stopped taking some and it was real bad." This isn't bad? There is another level of crazy you go to on reduced meds? Sounds like a spin-off show to me. We learn in the beginning of the season she wasn't drinking and that's why she was semi-together. On the show she was on Trazodone, Topamax and Lexapro for severe anxiety and panic disorder. She says she was only on these drugs for Game Night. Only on these drugs? I could drug a horse with that, but I can see why you thought it was light weight since you didn't also have alcohol. They continue, it's lame. I miss drunk Kim. She still struggles to formulate a sentence, but that will only get me so far. Andy asks, "I have clips of that SUR episode. Do you want to see any?" Blank stare off to the side....Helllooooo??? She barely verablizes the "oh alright", then again, staring off into to space. Note to the producers: I'm going to need to see a little more than this. This episode is getting more painful by the minute. They must agree because they go into the longest series of clips ever. We learn she is not with Ken any longer (I guess she saw him without the beer goggles) and she is moving this weekend. How many times have we heard this phrase out her mouth? She moves more than a nomad Indian tribe. Maybe she should invest in a teepee.
They bring Kyle on to interview with Kim. I'm trying to be interested, but am continuing to keep my eyes fixed on the glitter clutch. Are you getting a kickback for that? Put it away. It's annoying. How do you feel about bringing up Kim's alcoholism? Kyle - I feel bad about that. Kim - I feel bad about that. Put the damn purse down! I can't handle it! What is up with Kyle sporting the sequin Liza Minneli jacket? Are you in your early 70's? This episode has given me ADD and I'm about to start self cuttin.. I am frantically analyzing every inch of the set. This conversation personifies paint drying. There are 12 minutes left and all I can think about is that episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County I have on my DVR. I think I even miss the purple light on top of everyone's head. Go get Dana. I'm interested to know how much she pays for tampons. Holy Hell. Kyle is crying, Kim talks about feeling overwhelmed and I'm back on the purse.
Is it wrong that I wish Kim was drinking again? Really. This was a painful reunion show to sit through and remain alert. Maybe we should re-think the 3 episode reunion thing. It's called editing, look into it. Hone your craft! My final vote for the season is that Brandi joins the regular cast and we say good bye to Taylor and Kim. I'd kick Kyle off too but I enjoy her topless husband, so she can stay and cry. Overall, the season has been entertaining and I know I will be so excited to see it back next season. Air kisses Ladies! See you soon.
Monday, February 13, 2012
RHOC - Dealing with lingering drama
We're back in the OC so let's start the season with Gretchen. She's still dating Slade. (Why, I have no idea). She is going to lunch with Tamra. Please tell me there will be a stabbing. They are going to bury the hatchet. (No, please) Gretchen is above the petty fighting. We'll see. Slade's feelings are hurt because he feels like it's a betrayal to him. Boo Hoo, shut it and get a real job. I'm just so glad that Gretchen was able to locate the hooker lashes in time for her lunch date. Maybe she can fly there using those. And what's the crap all over the floor in your bathroom? Are you staying at my house? The difference is that if cameras were in my bathroom, there wouldn't be stuff on the floor (for the first time ever).
On to Vicki, she's selling her house (if only I was in the OC market). Donn is staying in the house during the divorce because they need the money until they sell the house. We find out she is dating someone, Brooks, who has obviously never seen this show. He lives in Tupelo, Mississippi, which explains so much. Tamra is off to lunch with Gretchen. They are going to make nice. I'm not sure I approve. Then there's a classic Tamra line, "there's a reason why dogs sniff each other's asses before they become friends". This is exactly why she would be my best friend on this show. They are trying to analyze their behavior toward each other. This is my Housewives pet peeve. When you keep bringing it up the past, you're never going to get over it. Just move on. Sometimes the other person does not need to understand your piece. Be OK with that and don't subject me to the discussion. I like you and I like you too. Ugh...we got it. Y'all are awesome. Bartender, another round! Tamra apologized, which is something they both should have done. Since Gretchen thinks she's better than everyone else, I doubt we'll see an apology out of her. Then she gives her a present. I'm not sure I'm OK with this and where this is headed. We'll just have to see how I feel at the end of the season.
Alexis...we're 2 seconds in and I'm sick of her. It's 6:28 AM and sshhh, everyone is sleeping, but she is in full hair and make-up. Her assistant, who is no older than 14, is at the house for her assignments. How much does that suck? I don't need any job bad enough to go to Alexis' house before 6:30 in the morning. My favorite part of all this is that they are whispering as I'm sure no one heard the entire camera crew arrive. She tells us Alexis Couture is doing fabulous. Really? I know not one soul who owns anything but sure, it's fabulous. Maybe you and Sheree have the same clientele of invisible people. We learn she also has another job as a Friday morning news beauty tips expert. Seriously? Was there no one else? She is totally overwhelmed filling 3 sippy cups and leaving out 3 cereal bars, yet someone hired her? She's in the car heading to San Diego for the show and realizes she forgot to set the alarm for Jim, because Lord knows, he is incapable of setting it himself. We see her repeatedly call his cell phone to wake him up until the assistant suggest she calls the house phone. There are no words. How do you have not one, but 2 jobs and you need someone to tell you this? I am exhaling loudly, Adrienne Maloof style. Then she DOES NOT KNOW HER CURRENT HOME PHONE NUMBER! Sweet Mother of God, I can't take it. The editors couldn't either because we cut back to Vicki.
Tamra's going to visit Vicki at the office with some lunch. They are discussing the fact that Donn lives at home. In the confessional Tamra says, "OK, Donn still living in the house is some serious Jerry Springer s**t. She's got a boyfriend, they pass each other in the hallway, get out". Tamra Barney, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Seriously, she is my bestie and has no idea. What we really need is for her to do a cameo on RH Beverly Hills. That would shake up Game Night. We get into the nitty gritty of their divorces. Tamra's divorce is still not final because Simon won't finish and sign. Vicki's should be final soon but Don is seeking spousal support. Dude....grow a set. How much money do you make? I get that she makes more but come on, I'm embarrassed for you. Vicki is going to have a party soon. Should she invite Gretchen? Tamra says yes then quick cut to the confessional, "I feel like I'm cheating on Vicki hanging out with Gretchen, sneaking around, like she's my mistress". See, we're best friends because that is so something I would say.
There is a new housewife on the block. We meet Heather. Two seconds in I know that I want to be Heather. She is looking at a $4.9 million lot of grass, thinking about buying the lot next to it and building a new house. After all, her current house only has 3 children's bedrooms and she had four so it's time to build. Must be nice. I had a surprise first, second, third and fourth child myself. None of them came with millions of dollars for me to buy a new house. My kids share a bedroom because we are ghetto like that. Back to Alexis and her show. She is filming a segment today with Dr. Booty. She doesn't think he's a real doctor, but he know a lot about derrieres. Please make it stop. He is a large, super built guy wearing shorts and a doctor's lab coat. No, Alexis. I'm pretty sure he isn't a real doctor either, but looks like he plays one on a few news segments. There is a woman in a nurse's hat, a red wife beater, and white hot pants. I'm pretty sure she's not a real nurse either before you get started on that mind bender. We learn that Alexis has "no journalistic background or training" (no, really? I'm doubting you even have a GED at this point), but who wouldn't want to have a job like Katie Cure-ick [sic]? No Alexis, the real question on everyone's mind is, why do YOU have a job like this? FYI - it's Couric.
We cut back to Tamra and Heather. Heather isn't sure about buying the lots and we learn she is married to a plastic surgeon. Funny, that is my fantasy too. Tamra invites Heather to Vicki's upcoming party where she will meet the other ladies on the show. Confidential Tamra says, "I think Alexis will probably have the hardest time with Heather. Heather is everything Alexis wants to be and isn't. She's elegant, she's classy, she's smart and she has real money". I tend to agree. Heather is in and I'm looking forward to the party. Judging from the episode timing, I don't think we'll get to the party until next week.
Alexis and Gretchen are meeting up before Vicki's party. It sounds like all the girls are going. Alexis is nervous about seeing Peggy since it came out that Peggy used to date Jim about 100 years ago. She's made because Peggy didn't tell her. Don't you think your husband should have told you? It's still funny that she thinks Jim is a catch when no one shares this opinion. They are getting ready to leave when Alexis says Tamra might be there too. It cuts to the Gretchen confessional where she says she thinks Alexis might get jealous to find out that her and Tamra are friends now (yes, highly likely) and the they "are like secret lovers". What exactly is going on in this new found friendship? Then we cut to Peggy meeting up with Tamra before the party. They are discussing Alexis. I have to say I hope there is a throw down. Peggy compares dealing with Alexis to dealing with a child. Agreed. "She is delusional. I mean, the girl is nuts." Agreed. As usual, Tamra calls it like it is. She thinks it must be difficult for her because Jim never told her that he dated Peggy. We all know Jim can't be at fault since he is the man of the house and the king, but oh Tamra talks some sweet common sense. Tamra was a little shocked that Peggy never told her she had dated Jim. Um Tam, would you admit to that? I sure as hell wouldn't. At the end of the segment we learn that Alexis and Jim have "worked through the hurt and anger she was feeling toward him for not telling her" and she thinks Peggy might still be obsessed with him. Please, just stop speaking. This part of the show has lasted way too long and I've lost interest.
They all FINALLY leave for the party. Back at Vicki's house we learn that she is having Cajun food for the party. As a New Orleans girl, I can't wait for that. Vicki is hoping for a dram free evening. Yeah, good luck with that. The cameras wouldn't be there if there wasn't going to be some/ Everyone arrives and is playing nice. We can smell some tension in the air between Peggy and Alexis. As I predicted, there was little party action. They go into the clips for the upcoming season and it looks very promising. I have to say, I'm looking forward to the season. Welcome back OC!
On to Vicki, she's selling her house (if only I was in the OC market). Donn is staying in the house during the divorce because they need the money until they sell the house. We find out she is dating someone, Brooks, who has obviously never seen this show. He lives in Tupelo, Mississippi, which explains so much. Tamra is off to lunch with Gretchen. They are going to make nice. I'm not sure I approve. Then there's a classic Tamra line, "there's a reason why dogs sniff each other's asses before they become friends". This is exactly why she would be my best friend on this show. They are trying to analyze their behavior toward each other. This is my Housewives pet peeve. When you keep bringing it up the past, you're never going to get over it. Just move on. Sometimes the other person does not need to understand your piece. Be OK with that and don't subject me to the discussion. I like you and I like you too. Ugh...we got it. Y'all are awesome. Bartender, another round! Tamra apologized, which is something they both should have done. Since Gretchen thinks she's better than everyone else, I doubt we'll see an apology out of her. Then she gives her a present. I'm not sure I'm OK with this and where this is headed. We'll just have to see how I feel at the end of the season.
Alexis...we're 2 seconds in and I'm sick of her. It's 6:28 AM and sshhh, everyone is sleeping, but she is in full hair and make-up. Her assistant, who is no older than 14, is at the house for her assignments. How much does that suck? I don't need any job bad enough to go to Alexis' house before 6:30 in the morning. My favorite part of all this is that they are whispering as I'm sure no one heard the entire camera crew arrive. She tells us Alexis Couture is doing fabulous. Really? I know not one soul who owns anything but sure, it's fabulous. Maybe you and Sheree have the same clientele of invisible people. We learn she also has another job as a Friday morning news beauty tips expert. Seriously? Was there no one else? She is totally overwhelmed filling 3 sippy cups and leaving out 3 cereal bars, yet someone hired her? She's in the car heading to San Diego for the show and realizes she forgot to set the alarm for Jim, because Lord knows, he is incapable of setting it himself. We see her repeatedly call his cell phone to wake him up until the assistant suggest she calls the house phone. There are no words. How do you have not one, but 2 jobs and you need someone to tell you this? I am exhaling loudly, Adrienne Maloof style. Then she DOES NOT KNOW HER CURRENT HOME PHONE NUMBER! Sweet Mother of God, I can't take it. The editors couldn't either because we cut back to Vicki.
There is a new housewife on the block. We meet Heather. Two seconds in I know that I want to be Heather. She is looking at a $4.9 million lot of grass, thinking about buying the lot next to it and building a new house. After all, her current house only has 3 children's bedrooms and she had four so it's time to build. Must be nice. I had a surprise first, second, third and fourth child myself. None of them came with millions of dollars for me to buy a new house. My kids share a bedroom because we are ghetto like that. Back to Alexis and her show. She is filming a segment today with Dr. Booty. She doesn't think he's a real doctor, but he know a lot about derrieres. Please make it stop. He is a large, super built guy wearing shorts and a doctor's lab coat. No, Alexis. I'm pretty sure he isn't a real doctor either, but looks like he plays one on a few news segments. There is a woman in a nurse's hat, a red wife beater, and white hot pants. I'm pretty sure she's not a real nurse either before you get started on that mind bender. We learn that Alexis has "no journalistic background or training" (no, really? I'm doubting you even have a GED at this point), but who wouldn't want to have a job like Katie Cure-ick [sic]? No Alexis, the real question on everyone's mind is, why do YOU have a job like this? FYI - it's Couric.
We cut back to Tamra and Heather. Heather isn't sure about buying the lots and we learn she is married to a plastic surgeon. Funny, that is my fantasy too. Tamra invites Heather to Vicki's upcoming party where she will meet the other ladies on the show. Confidential Tamra says, "I think Alexis will probably have the hardest time with Heather. Heather is everything Alexis wants to be and isn't. She's elegant, she's classy, she's smart and she has real money". I tend to agree. Heather is in and I'm looking forward to the party. Judging from the episode timing, I don't think we'll get to the party until next week.
Alexis and Gretchen are meeting up before Vicki's party. It sounds like all the girls are going. Alexis is nervous about seeing Peggy since it came out that Peggy used to date Jim about 100 years ago. She's made because Peggy didn't tell her. Don't you think your husband should have told you? It's still funny that she thinks Jim is a catch when no one shares this opinion. They are getting ready to leave when Alexis says Tamra might be there too. It cuts to the Gretchen confessional where she says she thinks Alexis might get jealous to find out that her and Tamra are friends now (yes, highly likely) and the they "are like secret lovers". What exactly is going on in this new found friendship? Then we cut to Peggy meeting up with Tamra before the party. They are discussing Alexis. I have to say I hope there is a throw down. Peggy compares dealing with Alexis to dealing with a child. Agreed. "She is delusional. I mean, the girl is nuts." Agreed. As usual, Tamra calls it like it is. She thinks it must be difficult for her because Jim never told her that he dated Peggy. We all know Jim can't be at fault since he is the man of the house and the king, but oh Tamra talks some sweet common sense. Tamra was a little shocked that Peggy never told her she had dated Jim. Um Tam, would you admit to that? I sure as hell wouldn't. At the end of the segment we learn that Alexis and Jim have "worked through the hurt and anger she was feeling toward him for not telling her" and she thinks Peggy might still be obsessed with him. Please, just stop speaking. This part of the show has lasted way too long and I've lost interest.
They all FINALLY leave for the party. Back at Vicki's house we learn that she is having Cajun food for the party. As a New Orleans girl, I can't wait for that. Vicki is hoping for a dram free evening. Yeah, good luck with that. The cameras wouldn't be there if there wasn't going to be some/ Everyone arrives and is playing nice. We can smell some tension in the air between Peggy and Alexis. As I predicted, there was little party action. They go into the clips for the upcoming season and it looks very promising. I have to say, I'm looking forward to the season. Welcome back OC!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
RHOBH - The Reunion the Sequel
They begin this episode with Brandi and I begin with a thank you. My favorite is that they instantly lay into the fact that she never has a bra on, which is an issue that has bothered me for more than one blog. I also love that everyone talks about what a slut she is, but isn't really. This is the weirdest greeting ever. Brandi, if you are not a slut, then don't refer to you as one. If you are a slut, then wear it proud. If you are unsure, let me know and I'll introduce you to some so you can compare and contrast.
They next question her on why she wore such a small bikini on the Hawaii trip in front of everyone's husbands. Her response "Who was married? Mauricio, her husband (pointing at Lisa), 2 men. Oh and Paul was there, but there's a big question mark there." Slam dunk, Brandi. 10 points for that. Adrienne retorts, "No that's not a question mark, we're married." Are you surprised Maloof when every word you say to your husband is filled with disdain? Of course, that's also how I can tell y'all are married, because every word you say to him is filled with disdain. Still, I love that she called her out on it after beating up on Lisa last week. Let's face it, Adrienne. You and Paul are not the portrait of marital bliss. Most couples fight about money and that's not an issue for you, so be nice to your husband. If not, rest assured, someone else with take him.
Game Night. They could spend an entire reunion episode on this one topic. I do find it humorous that Kyle tries to blow off her behavior. What is the "I would never do something like that" comment about Kim hiding Brandi's crutches at the party. Honey, you found out she hid them, but then you certainly didn't go get them for her. I would not be OK with that behavior. What I love even more is that Brandi said, "Well, your sister is in rehab now so I wasn't that wrong." You damn straight! As much as I don't really respect Brandi, I have to admit that I sort of like her now. More people need to be as authentic as she is. Everyone in Beverly Hills claims they want everyone else to be honest with them. Allow me to be honest with you, no you don't. You want everyone to tell you exactly what you want to hear and you need your ego inflated daily. Brandi is a refreshing change. Then Taylor interjects her, "but you said you were going to kill her twice." Oh Taylor, SHUT UP! When you have nothing to add to the conversation, you keep your inflated lips closed. It's a wonder they have sealed themselves closed by now.
There were many disappointing parts of this episode. I expected so much more out of the curse words segment. So much potential and snooze... Who talks like that? You do and it's boring. Favorite curse word, "Poopy Stink"? Really Camille? Then dogs drinking out of glasses? Sexy versus slutty? Kyle trying to pretend she's better than everyone else. (FYI, Child Actor, you're not). Did we really need 3 episodes for this? I could have edited 9/10 of this episode. I have a feeling I will only be discussing Brandi for the rest of this since she's the only one who brought her A game to the reunion.
Next they discuss the Lisa and Taylor friendship that blossomed after the tea party. Yes, it was weird, but I feel like Lisa was being extra nice to this nut job and she needed at the time. Taylor's big issue with Lisa...Giggy was tweeting and calling people names. Can you people please bottle and donate your free time to me? Who in the hell understands Twitter anyway? Taylor was hurt because Giggy called her either a blow fish or a duck, you know, like half of the free world. Brandi confronts her saying you talk about your lips too and she snaps back "I wasn't talking to you". Brandi says, "Back off Oklahoma" and it really didn't have any impact on the show, but the fact that she said it makes me giggle.
Taylor tells Lisa that all the women talk behind her back and Lisa is shocked by this revelation. Really? I've been female for a while now and being around other females has only proven one thing, everyone talks behind everyone's back. Just assume it is so. Now what they say is what makes the difference. Brandi confirmed that piece of information to Lisa as well. Adrienne seemed a little shocked that Brandi said that. Why Adrienne? Guilty much? Then Brandi chimes in, "Well I didn't say they all talked behind your back, just one person specifically." then she looks at Adrienne and says "You." Shazaam! Seriously, I love this. Adrienne, "Why would you tell her that? That's not nice." I'm sorry, I must have just swallowed a pill and hallucinated. Brandi should not have told Lisa that you talk behind her back, but you telling everyone you don't like her and other terrible things is considered friendly behavior in Beverly Hills? Besides Adrienne, your guilty behavior is selling you out way more than anything that comes out of your face today. Grow a set and admit it. Stop blaming the Brandi Train.
There's a few more questions, then they get into a conversation about Brandi's issues with Taylor. I mean really, how long is this episode? I'm sure she could go one for days. In this instance Brandi starts talking about running into Russell somewhere and him denying the e-mail incident. She said that he said Taylor knew about it. Come on, Brandi? Do you really believe him? He a liar who beats his wife. Even though Duckie gets on my nerves, I have to back her up on this one. I'm Team Taylor on this round, though I like it much better when I'm Team Taylor because of a hot wolf guy than in this particular case.
What I don't understand is why is Taylor so hell bent determined to repeat every single horrendous thing Russell has ever said to her. Stop it! It's crazy! Don't do it anymore. Then Taylor defends herself by saying, "Eddie Cibrian said you slit his tires. Is that true." Brandi without skipping a beat says, "Yeah." LOVE IT! That was the best moment of the season hands down and I'm back on Team Brandi. Then she proceeds to describe what she did. Now I think I need a Brandi poster in my house! It's so awesome. Then Taylor concludes the segment with "I rest my case." What? What case? You the head case is rested? I'm no philosophy professor, but I don't think you proved anything at all with that flow of logic, Home Girl. The madness continues....Brandi asks Taylor about the book she was "writing" and how quickly it seems to have evolved. Duckie totally loses and starts giving her Domestic Violence statistics. Hold on a minute, do you really think you are going to change the trends of domestic violence with your latest version of a Real Housewives book? Do YOU even believe the shit you are selling? She espouses, "This is none of your business." Then why oh WHY are you talking about it on television? I know it's cable, but you must know that now people besides Brandi will know about it.
In the madness St. Kyle, the perpetual Saint of complete self-centeredness, says "someone died here. Don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes." Just when I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit she says, "you are Angry Spice" as though it was the most clever comeback of all time. FYI Kyle, it was not. It was an extraordinarily dated reference from the late 90's. The conversation of Kyle defending Taylor continues, but I've lost all interest until.... Lisa defends Brandi slashing the tires. Superhero Lisa strikes again and I love it!
There is lots of talk about the Kyle and Kim relationship. Whatever. I'll save commentary for the next episode. I'm getting sick of Kyle and I want her to stop talking. Let's turn to Camille. Andy confronts her on how she acted this season. She denies "acting" for the camera, but we know otherwise, Four Nannies. I have to admit, I miss last season's Camille who introduced Allison Dubois into my life. She was crazy, but I still liked her. She's ultra likable this season but I miss the crazy. We find out Kelsey doesn't speak to her at all. Kelsey, you're a loser. Grow a set like Brandi. I have no respect for you. Does Camille take pleasure in the fact that her show gets better ratings than Kelsey's? You damn straight she does! She says she's been humbled over the past year. I agree and we are happy for you, but please bring your crazy friend back and stop hiding in the bathroom.
The question of the day, "Taylor, your lips don't seem as large as in Season 1." Who is this idiot sending in questions? She flew in on her lips. There are more questions for Taylor about the book and her abuse. I can't even comment on this because the more she says the less respect I have for her. If you are going to tell everyone, and I mean EVERYONE about your abuse, then you should have left him a long time ago. I know victims of domestic violence and they don't say a word. Something just doesn't fit in this scenario. Now she has a murder conspiracy on Russell. Oh please, I can't take it.
One more episode to go and The Real Housewives of Orange County starts this week. So much blogging to do and so little time...
They next question her on why she wore such a small bikini on the Hawaii trip in front of everyone's husbands. Her response "Who was married? Mauricio, her husband (pointing at Lisa), 2 men. Oh and Paul was there, but there's a big question mark there." Slam dunk, Brandi. 10 points for that. Adrienne retorts, "No that's not a question mark, we're married." Are you surprised Maloof when every word you say to your husband is filled with disdain? Of course, that's also how I can tell y'all are married, because every word you say to him is filled with disdain. Still, I love that she called her out on it after beating up on Lisa last week. Let's face it, Adrienne. You and Paul are not the portrait of marital bliss. Most couples fight about money and that's not an issue for you, so be nice to your husband. If not, rest assured, someone else with take him.
Game Night. They could spend an entire reunion episode on this one topic. I do find it humorous that Kyle tries to blow off her behavior. What is the "I would never do something like that" comment about Kim hiding Brandi's crutches at the party. Honey, you found out she hid them, but then you certainly didn't go get them for her. I would not be OK with that behavior. What I love even more is that Brandi said, "Well, your sister is in rehab now so I wasn't that wrong." You damn straight! As much as I don't really respect Brandi, I have to admit that I sort of like her now. More people need to be as authentic as she is. Everyone in Beverly Hills claims they want everyone else to be honest with them. Allow me to be honest with you, no you don't. You want everyone to tell you exactly what you want to hear and you need your ego inflated daily. Brandi is a refreshing change. Then Taylor interjects her, "but you said you were going to kill her twice." Oh Taylor, SHUT UP! When you have nothing to add to the conversation, you keep your inflated lips closed. It's a wonder they have sealed themselves closed by now.
There were many disappointing parts of this episode. I expected so much more out of the curse words segment. So much potential and snooze... Who talks like that? You do and it's boring. Favorite curse word, "Poopy Stink"? Really Camille? Then dogs drinking out of glasses? Sexy versus slutty? Kyle trying to pretend she's better than everyone else. (FYI, Child Actor, you're not). Did we really need 3 episodes for this? I could have edited 9/10 of this episode. I have a feeling I will only be discussing Brandi for the rest of this since she's the only one who brought her A game to the reunion.
Next they discuss the Lisa and Taylor friendship that blossomed after the tea party. Yes, it was weird, but I feel like Lisa was being extra nice to this nut job and she needed at the time. Taylor's big issue with Lisa...Giggy was tweeting and calling people names. Can you people please bottle and donate your free time to me? Who in the hell understands Twitter anyway? Taylor was hurt because Giggy called her either a blow fish or a duck, you know, like half of the free world. Brandi confronts her saying you talk about your lips too and she snaps back "I wasn't talking to you". Brandi says, "Back off Oklahoma" and it really didn't have any impact on the show, but the fact that she said it makes me giggle.
Taylor tells Lisa that all the women talk behind her back and Lisa is shocked by this revelation. Really? I've been female for a while now and being around other females has only proven one thing, everyone talks behind everyone's back. Just assume it is so. Now what they say is what makes the difference. Brandi confirmed that piece of information to Lisa as well. Adrienne seemed a little shocked that Brandi said that. Why Adrienne? Guilty much? Then Brandi chimes in, "Well I didn't say they all talked behind your back, just one person specifically." then she looks at Adrienne and says "You." Shazaam! Seriously, I love this. Adrienne, "Why would you tell her that? That's not nice." I'm sorry, I must have just swallowed a pill and hallucinated. Brandi should not have told Lisa that you talk behind her back, but you telling everyone you don't like her and other terrible things is considered friendly behavior in Beverly Hills? Besides Adrienne, your guilty behavior is selling you out way more than anything that comes out of your face today. Grow a set and admit it. Stop blaming the Brandi Train.
There's a few more questions, then they get into a conversation about Brandi's issues with Taylor. I mean really, how long is this episode? I'm sure she could go one for days. In this instance Brandi starts talking about running into Russell somewhere and him denying the e-mail incident. She said that he said Taylor knew about it. Come on, Brandi? Do you really believe him? He a liar who beats his wife. Even though Duckie gets on my nerves, I have to back her up on this one. I'm Team Taylor on this round, though I like it much better when I'm Team Taylor because of a hot wolf guy than in this particular case.
What I don't understand is why is Taylor so hell bent determined to repeat every single horrendous thing Russell has ever said to her. Stop it! It's crazy! Don't do it anymore. Then Taylor defends herself by saying, "Eddie Cibrian said you slit his tires. Is that true." Brandi without skipping a beat says, "Yeah." LOVE IT! That was the best moment of the season hands down and I'm back on Team Brandi. Then she proceeds to describe what she did. Now I think I need a Brandi poster in my house! It's so awesome. Then Taylor concludes the segment with "I rest my case." What? What case? You the head case is rested? I'm no philosophy professor, but I don't think you proved anything at all with that flow of logic, Home Girl. The madness continues....Brandi asks Taylor about the book she was "writing" and how quickly it seems to have evolved. Duckie totally loses and starts giving her Domestic Violence statistics. Hold on a minute, do you really think you are going to change the trends of domestic violence with your latest version of a Real Housewives book? Do YOU even believe the shit you are selling? She espouses, "This is none of your business." Then why oh WHY are you talking about it on television? I know it's cable, but you must know that now people besides Brandi will know about it.
In the madness St. Kyle, the perpetual Saint of complete self-centeredness, says "someone died here. Don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes." Just when I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit she says, "you are Angry Spice" as though it was the most clever comeback of all time. FYI Kyle, it was not. It was an extraordinarily dated reference from the late 90's. The conversation of Kyle defending Taylor continues, but I've lost all interest until.... Lisa defends Brandi slashing the tires. Superhero Lisa strikes again and I love it!
There is lots of talk about the Kyle and Kim relationship. Whatever. I'll save commentary for the next episode. I'm getting sick of Kyle and I want her to stop talking. Let's turn to Camille. Andy confronts her on how she acted this season. She denies "acting" for the camera, but we know otherwise, Four Nannies. I have to admit, I miss last season's Camille who introduced Allison Dubois into my life. She was crazy, but I still liked her. She's ultra likable this season but I miss the crazy. We find out Kelsey doesn't speak to her at all. Kelsey, you're a loser. Grow a set like Brandi. I have no respect for you. Does Camille take pleasure in the fact that her show gets better ratings than Kelsey's? You damn straight she does! She says she's been humbled over the past year. I agree and we are happy for you, but please bring your crazy friend back and stop hiding in the bathroom.
The question of the day, "Taylor, your lips don't seem as large as in Season 1." Who is this idiot sending in questions? She flew in on her lips. There are more questions for Taylor about the book and her abuse. I can't even comment on this because the more she says the less respect I have for her. If you are going to tell everyone, and I mean EVERYONE about your abuse, then you should have left him a long time ago. I know victims of domestic violence and they don't say a word. Something just doesn't fit in this scenario. Now she has a murder conspiracy on Russell. Oh please, I can't take it.
One more episode to go and The Real Housewives of Orange County starts this week. So much blogging to do and so little time...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
RHOBH - Reunion Part 1
The reunion begins will the usual array of "Hello Andy" and everyone seems committed to their best behavior, but he tells us that Kim Richards will not be joining us tonight because she has checked herself into rehab. What? Fo shizzle? I can't begin to imagine why. She is always so together. Nonetheless, I shall miss her stammering. He asks Kyle how Kim is doing and she says really well. Of course, she's doing well. They have finally caged her. When asked why she is there, Kyle didn't feel it was appropriate to answer. Now Andy, I don't mean to be The Master of the Obvious, but really? Have you watched any episodes this season that you need to ask. A better question may have been, should I send my Hanukkah cards to her there next December? Will she still be there then when they have so much work to do on her?
Before we get into anything else, who did the lighting for this? There is a purple light shining on the top of everyone's head. Are we still worried about filming Paul's fart sequence or do you think someone can take a look at this? I hope it's fixed for the next round.
Why is Lisa wearing the exact same dress she wore to the SUR opening tonight? I know it's not pink, but I swear, it's the exact same dress. Is she taking a sewing class? It looks like a Home Ec project in fancy fabric. Why do you like dinky lace so much?
Are we STILL discussing the washing of the chicken with hand soap? I have done this. I wash lots of things with soap before I cook it, especially if I think it's cleanliness has been compromised. I would rather eat hand soap remnants than ass remnants because someone did not wash their hands. It's not near interesting enough to be discussed any further so stop it. In the immortal words of Taylor, "Enough. ENOUGH!".
Now we're on to Lisa's ba-donka-donk. This is a much better topic, but alas, back to the wedding questions. Was it a million dollar wedding or not? No. Why the tiara? Pandy wanted it. Was everyone surprised when they say Lisa come out with it on? Tension in the air...Ooooo....where did this come from? Adrienne says, "Once a princess, always a princess". Hmm.... maybe we're getting somewhere.
Now that the nice is over, let's get to the tension. Lisa vs Adrienne. When did this start? "Lisa called my dog "Crack pot on Twitter". Adrienne is really, for real offended. Really? REALLY??? Swimming in your money all day isn't enough that you take offense to your dog Jackpot being call Crackpot? I am so very envious of your free time. If you call my kid a name, I might take you out back and put a little Oklahoma on your ass, but if you call my dog a name, mmmm...not so much. That is because I have what is known as "Real life problems". I realize you have the option to be petty here. Must be nice. My favorite offense of them all, that Lisa didn't take Adrienne up on the free weekend at the Palms. She instead took the free weekend at the Hard Rock Casino. If only my friends would stab me in the back like this, I could maybe get 2 free weekends in Vegas. Instead, living my real life, I can't afford to go to Vegas. How do you ever manage? Now we are offended by Lisa calling her shoe line the Maloof Hoof and Camille totally understands why one would take such offense to that. I tell you what, ladies, why don't you come spend a week in my shoes? My best friends call me Bitch to my face at least 5 times a day, however, I love these people more than some of my family. What kind of conditional friendships do you people have?
I did not get the memo that this was the "Pick on Lisa" reunion episode. What are these people talking about? Lisa said Kyle keeps doing splits because she needs the attention. OK, ouch, but true. Let's call a spade a spade. Kyle retaliates by saying "Lisa preys on weak people" and "that was to retaliate but wasn't about you", she was talking to Taylor. Um...I think I need Kim Richards to translate these friendships for me. Taylor tries to make a point but I'm distracted by her duck lips which, if at all possible, look even bigger. Lisa apologizes, but that's not good enough. Kyle thinks every move she makes is calculated. Andy asks, "Are saying she's manipulative?" Kyle, "See, she makes me nervous." Oh, now I see how you are related to Kim and thank you for taking over as the rambler. Mmm Hmmm. that's crazy right there and I can't follow Kyle's argument with a map for Kyle argument. Not one member of the Richards family must have ever taken Intro to Logic in college, but it should be required before they are allowed amongst the public. Kyle continues to defend her actions by saying "When everyone said I was being so mean spirited on game night....". Lisa said, "you were mean spirited". Kyle's response, "See."
OMG! You were a total bitch and I don't know what got into you. However, I did laugh when you started pointing her face and yelling at her to stop." I would then laugh and we might make fun of someone else's outfit nearby. Notice, I do not put out a repeat offense on my friend. She is allowed to call me out on some things because she is my friend. You seek revenge on people who are not your friends.
Oh Taylor, poor, poor Taylor, I have grown so weary of thee. She is getting through the tragedy and her top lip has gotten ever bigger. I swear the top of her lip practically ends at the bottom on her nose. Stop with the lip injections! Your doctor is lying to you! He is trying to cover his kids' tuition money or his wife's shopping habit. She continues to discuss Russell and the abuse. Why are you interviewing this basket case? She was abused then her husband killed himself. Can we change the topic? No? Well that's OK because we FINALLY see a little bit of vicious Camille. Hello Camille, where have you been? Part of me loves that she isn't taking a crap from Taylor even though I realize she is playing the role of victim at this reunion. I know, we all feel sorry for her, but I am very tired of her sudden ability to psycho analyze herself in every situation. Psycho analyze this Taylor, why are you so desperate to fit in with people who are not playing in your league? Friends in your neighborhood aren't good enough for you or your $60,000 kids birthday parties? Go find your peeps and you might be a tad happier with yourself. You can't keep up with these women.
New development, Adrienne and Camille think Taylor knew about the e-mail before he sent it to Camille. They all rationalize her behavior so why do they even bring it up? They all continue to discuss things and I keep thinking that I'm the only person in the world who can see that Taylor is actually a Muppet. Really. That mouth goes from ear to ear and I have an overwhelming urge to call her Janice.
On to much more important issues of our time, Bernie the cook versus Lisa. Seriously, everyone is bashing this woman. There is a mindless discussion about this. Sorry, I'm on Team Lisa for this round. The chef bashes, and I mean really bashes your friend on national television and you don't have a problem with it, but the phrase Maloof Hoof barely mentioned sends you over the edge. There is something we are not discussing on this reunion show and it is reminiscent of a huge white elephant. There is some new dirt, Adrienne is grilling Lisa about selling a story to Radar online. Hold on now. I don't know any of the details and have never heard of this website, but let me go with just one obvious fact. Does Lisa need money? Do you REALLY think she is going to spend the time to sell a story to get less money than she spent on her Valentino outfit? Adrienne, you live across the street so I'm guessing you might be on the same playing field as she. Do you need the money earned from selling a story? $25,000? Really? Adrienne spews,"That's what friends of yours say and that's what the journalist said who came to me asking for me to sell a story to him." OMG! You people cannot be this dumb!!! You really think a journalist who writes for whatever website is more ethical than your friend? You MUST be a Democrat because I think what has been proven time and again is that gossip columnist may not be the most forthright people in the world. Lisa says, "That is such a f**king insult to say that to a friend and I'm so offended by that....". Agreed, Lisa, agreed. I'm offended for you.
Let's change the subject, here's Brandi. They start with her 2 minute marriage and asked what her ex-husband thinks. Her reply, "I don't really think about him in my thoughts." As opposed to the other ways you think of people. She comes out guns slinging and thank God because we need to dial down the mean a bit. I can't wait to see what she brings on Part 2. From the previews, it looks like they are starting with her for the next round.
Before we get into anything else, who did the lighting for this? There is a purple light shining on the top of everyone's head. Are we still worried about filming Paul's fart sequence or do you think someone can take a look at this? I hope it's fixed for the next round.
Why is Lisa wearing the exact same dress she wore to the SUR opening tonight? I know it's not pink, but I swear, it's the exact same dress. Is she taking a sewing class? It looks like a Home Ec project in fancy fabric. Why do you like dinky lace so much?
Are we STILL discussing the washing of the chicken with hand soap? I have done this. I wash lots of things with soap before I cook it, especially if I think it's cleanliness has been compromised. I would rather eat hand soap remnants than ass remnants because someone did not wash their hands. It's not near interesting enough to be discussed any further so stop it. In the immortal words of Taylor, "Enough. ENOUGH!".
Now we're on to Lisa's ba-donka-donk. This is a much better topic, but alas, back to the wedding questions. Was it a million dollar wedding or not? No. Why the tiara? Pandy wanted it. Was everyone surprised when they say Lisa come out with it on? Tension in the air...Ooooo....where did this come from? Adrienne says, "Once a princess, always a princess". Hmm.... maybe we're getting somewhere.
Now that the nice is over, let's get to the tension. Lisa vs Adrienne. When did this start? "Lisa called my dog "Crack pot on Twitter". Adrienne is really, for real offended. Really? REALLY??? Swimming in your money all day isn't enough that you take offense to your dog Jackpot being call Crackpot? I am so very envious of your free time. If you call my kid a name, I might take you out back and put a little Oklahoma on your ass, but if you call my dog a name, mmmm...not so much. That is because I have what is known as "Real life problems". I realize you have the option to be petty here. Must be nice. My favorite offense of them all, that Lisa didn't take Adrienne up on the free weekend at the Palms. She instead took the free weekend at the Hard Rock Casino. If only my friends would stab me in the back like this, I could maybe get 2 free weekends in Vegas. Instead, living my real life, I can't afford to go to Vegas. How do you ever manage? Now we are offended by Lisa calling her shoe line the Maloof Hoof and Camille totally understands why one would take such offense to that. I tell you what, ladies, why don't you come spend a week in my shoes? My best friends call me Bitch to my face at least 5 times a day, however, I love these people more than some of my family. What kind of conditional friendships do you people have?
I did not get the memo that this was the "Pick on Lisa" reunion episode. What are these people talking about? Lisa said Kyle keeps doing splits because she needs the attention. OK, ouch, but true. Let's call a spade a spade. Kyle retaliates by saying "Lisa preys on weak people" and "that was to retaliate but wasn't about you", she was talking to Taylor. Um...I think I need Kim Richards to translate these friendships for me. Taylor tries to make a point but I'm distracted by her duck lips which, if at all possible, look even bigger. Lisa apologizes, but that's not good enough. Kyle thinks every move she makes is calculated. Andy asks, "Are saying she's manipulative?" Kyle, "See, she makes me nervous." Oh, now I see how you are related to Kim and thank you for taking over as the rambler. Mmm Hmmm. that's crazy right there and I can't follow Kyle's argument with a map for Kyle argument. Not one member of the Richards family must have ever taken Intro to Logic in college, but it should be required before they are allowed amongst the public. Kyle continues to defend her actions by saying "When everyone said I was being so mean spirited on game night....". Lisa said, "you were mean spirited". Kyle's response, "See."
OMG! You were a total bitch and I don't know what got into you. However, I did laugh when you started pointing her face and yelling at her to stop." I would then laugh and we might make fun of someone else's outfit nearby. Notice, I do not put out a repeat offense on my friend. She is allowed to call me out on some things because she is my friend. You seek revenge on people who are not your friends.
Oh Taylor, poor, poor Taylor, I have grown so weary of thee. She is getting through the tragedy and her top lip has gotten ever bigger. I swear the top of her lip practically ends at the bottom on her nose. Stop with the lip injections! Your doctor is lying to you! He is trying to cover his kids' tuition money or his wife's shopping habit. She continues to discuss Russell and the abuse. Why are you interviewing this basket case? She was abused then her husband killed himself. Can we change the topic? No? Well that's OK because we FINALLY see a little bit of vicious Camille. Hello Camille, where have you been? Part of me loves that she isn't taking a crap from Taylor even though I realize she is playing the role of victim at this reunion. I know, we all feel sorry for her, but I am very tired of her sudden ability to psycho analyze herself in every situation. Psycho analyze this Taylor, why are you so desperate to fit in with people who are not playing in your league? Friends in your neighborhood aren't good enough for you or your $60,000 kids birthday parties? Go find your peeps and you might be a tad happier with yourself. You can't keep up with these women.
New development, Adrienne and Camille think Taylor knew about the e-mail before he sent it to Camille. They all rationalize her behavior so why do they even bring it up? They all continue to discuss things and I keep thinking that I'm the only person in the world who can see that Taylor is actually a Muppet. Really. That mouth goes from ear to ear and I have an overwhelming urge to call her Janice.
Let's change the subject, here's Brandi. They start with her 2 minute marriage and asked what her ex-husband thinks. Her reply, "I don't really think about him in my thoughts." As opposed to the other ways you think of people. She comes out guns slinging and thank God because we need to dial down the mean a bit. I can't wait to see what she brings on Part 2. From the previews, it looks like they are starting with her for the next round.
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